Mom’s Hair and other mysteries of the universe

What are the benefits of Mom being high for almost 2 weeks?  Bwahaha!  Mom let me cut her hair.  I’ve been trying to get her to let me cut it for months.  And before someone wonders if I’m being really cruel to her…we have tried to get her to go get a professional to do it, but she only wants Ethel at the Fantastic Sam’s to do it and we just haven’t had the time to get her out there (We only go to the “big town” of Alexandria once a month to take M. to drill and it tends to fall at a time when either Mom won’t go or the shop is closed.).  So when she was in the hospital and I was pulling knots out of her hair (or as she put it ‘you’re a pullin’ me bald headed!’) I told her the minute I got her home I was cutting it.  She agreed (ahhh…morphine drips…if only I could arrange them for her without the hospital visit…like when she starts randomly spouting Sue Johanson’s sex tips…although I did learn how to make my own nipple clamps).  Part way through she started whining in a high pitch and motioning at her hair laying on the table beside her.  Apparently, she had been planning to send it to Locks of Love, but she didn’t tell me that and I didn’t think of it myself.  She kept saying, “That would make wigs for 2 little kids.”  I was sorry and she was right.   

But that hits upon the main problem she and I have had these last few weeks.  She tells me to do something without filling me in on her entire plan.  ‘Move my arm’ seems to mean ‘Move my arm counter clockwise at a 112 degree elevation opposite my clavicle.’  It’s not that she has trouble letting you know what she wants.  It’s that she leaves out details that are obvious only to her.  Hence, her hair started out as a simple bob with bangs and fringe around her face.   

Then she kept saying, “I want it 3 inches long all over.”  That wasn’t going to happen.  Mostly because MY plan was to cut her hair with M.’s hair clippers almost like Bob’s Big Boy (she’s got the chubby cheeks, the same coloring, and overalls are always appropriate…if you have cataracts lol).  That’s pretty much what Ethel does to it, and Mom likes it just fine especially after Ethel curls the top and fluffs it up into a classic old lady style.  She wouldn’t let me use the clippers, and a straight bob or bangs are really my only go-to’s when it comes to cutting hair with scissors.  I wasn’t about to cut her hair too short because then if she hated it not even Ethel could fix it.   

So I began to experiment, and I finally got even for the last haircut she gave me.  I was 15 and had managed to avoid her makeovers for several years when someone told her she could layer long hair by pulling it up into a ponytail and cutting it.  Yeah…not so much.  Maybe there’s another trick to it, but it didn’t work when I was 15 and it didn’t work on Mom yesterday (I looked like I had my hair cut by a fellow prisoner in a Lifetime movie).  Instead, I started just randomly chopping up the back of her hair, and danged if it didn’t turn out almost not horrible.  Who knew???  I’m glad no one else was around because I felt like Johnny Depp in Edward Scissorhands.  Tina came home and when I asked her what she thought, she whispered, “It’s not bad.”  You don’t whisper “not bad” because that’s a success in my book!   

And since she was still high, I took advantage and put lime green sparkle eyeshadow and rose lip gloss on her.