What’s wrong with that? Plenty. I know what you’re thinking, “Total drama queen isn’t even happy when she’s HAPPY!”
It’s never easy here in the Ghetto Trailer. Never. There always seems to be something waiting in the shadows to turn my life to crap. Want to guess what that something was? Yeah, it’s not the hardest game to win.
M. knows about my talks with Joe over the past week. Joe and I have been on the phone about every other day for about an hour. It’s not like I’ve been absolutely consumed with talking to him, but it’s been nice to talk to someone you know so well. He can’t hide anything from me and he never could, but the difference now is that he doesn’t want to. Like I said, M. knows about all this and even knows what we talk about. Heck, for all I care, he can listen in on the phone.
The problem with all this is that I’ve been happy…very happy. The smile in my eyes has been alight, and I’m even enjoying being in the house with M. more. Understandably, one might think this would give a husband some pause. Maybe I’m dense, but if my wife were suddenly very happy and talking to the ex-love of her life, I’d be concerned and maybe even take some steps to assure her that she’s still my “one”. M. and I do not think alike apparently. His reaction? He asked me if I’d ever heard of a thing called an “open marriage”. I wasn’t sure whether to throw up or laugh, and I’m still not sure.
In my oh-so-unsophisticated and un-French mind, open marriages are the last refuge of those desperate to get out of their marriage, but without the balls to do so. In the very least, they are a frantic attempt at holding on to someone you think may be leaving you. Now, I’m just trying to figure out which category M. is in.
Is he even serious? He sure seems to be.
I feel sick.
Does this make sense to anyone else???
I can’t imagine having an open marriage, but I can see the appeal in it. The actuality of it would probably bother me some.
Ah, honey…M.’s thought process is a mystery to all. I would be asking him all kinds of questions…such as where he thinks he will live and who’s gonna drive his ass around.
You never know maybe he was just bouncing an idea and it popped out of his mouth. Ya never are going to know exactly what he was thinking unless you ask.
I tend to subscribe to the thought that having an “open marriage” kinda defeats the point of being married. Hooking up with different people is called “cheating” or “being single.” But, hey, that’s just me.
I think you need to sit him down and make him talk. It may or may not suck to hear what he has to say, but at least you will know. You deserve to have a smile on your face EVERY day & your hubby should be the one making you smile at least SOME of the time, right?
Good luck!
Your happiness may just be in that you have someone you feel you can talk to in your life again, it may not specifically be tht it is Joe, but I could be wrong. As far as open marriages go, I think you are either in a marriage or our of one. Except for extreme circumstances like where one partner is physically incapable, then I can’t really see it leading to any good for the marriage. Just my opinion though.
I pretty much agree with everyone else, but you already know that. It’s either a marriage or it’s not, you can’t be vague about it. I’m anxious to hear what M. has to say about his reasons for making that comment. Such as, does he have someone in mind? Is he just trying to scare you into not talking to Joe? Does he want out and doesn’t know how to say that? I have known a couple who have an “open marriage” where they pretty much cheat on each other when they aren’t together, and don’t discuss it. It strikes me as a terrible way to live, not to mention dangerous.
What KC said!
Joe probably wants to be more than phone friends, and M realizes that. Men always say they can’t just “be friends” with women, unless the man is gay.
I think I would put out that fire before it gets out of control, but that is just me.
He said something like that once a long time ago and a while after that I found out that he had been cheating online (well…trying to anyhow…he put up a profile on a dating site…but that was “ok” because he put on it that he was married…umm…no, it wasn’t). Maybe he just thinks that turn about is fair play. Maybe Joe just gives him the chance he’s been waiting for. I’ve tried talking to him many many times (practically daily) but he just says “I don’t know” and it doesn’t matter if I’m confrontational or understanding, he just clams up.
Frankly, I’m starting to think the Universe is trying to brain me! Trying for 2 yrs to get pregnant unsuccessfully. Strike one. Husband cheating online. Strike two. Husband telling me that I’m “on my own” when it comes to infertility treatment. Strike three. Husband leaves for 3 weeks and I’m happier than I’ve been in a year or more. Strike four. Old love comes back with his divorce papers in hand and a 180 turn around attitude-wise. Strike five. Husband asks for an open marriage. Strike six. I mean how many times does it have to hit me over the head before I get it?
I’m just so damned stubborn and old-fashioned that I actually believe that two people can work through ANYTHING. But, as Joe well taught me, you can’t fix it if only one of you is all the way in it.
Oh and I KNOW Joe wants more than friendship. I’m not completely naive. I can hear it in his voice. Just me allowing him to talk to me practically sent him through the roof. He was so happy and excited about it. He also said the words “I’m available” about 6 times in that first conversation and continues to work it in. He’s finally figured out that what he really needs is a home, his son, and someone who loves him unconditionally. It’s hard to buy into it, but I actually don’t doubt him. There’s something about his voice now. I know things have changed for him, but I don’t know that they would be any different for the two of us. I don’t like the idea of gambling my marriage, but I’m starting to wonder if I have a marriage.
It’s all very disturbing and nauseating and confusing. Needless to say, my house is spotless.
I wish we lived close enough to get together for ice cream and hugs.
I am so with KC on this!
Do you think he’s testing you to see what kind of reaction you’ll have? Maybe he’s trying to make you jealous….
If he’s testing me…it might be his last. It’s so weird that 3 yrs ago I was in exactly this same position, but that time it was M. telling me he wanted a home and family. Now, M. doesn’t seem to care about the future or having kids. He doesn’t want to talk about it, daydream about it, or even mention it. He’s ignoring me. Having dreams together, common goals are incredibly important. If you can’t work toward something together, then why stay together? Just to exist? Is that good enough?
This is a tough one. I would like to think it was his way of testing you – i.e. “Would you sleep with Joe if we had an open marriage?” Perhaps that was his only way to ask you without really *asking* you, kwim? {{{HUGS}}}
Just please DON’T cheat! If you want out, get out. GET OUT! You have a home and a plan should that happen. Damn, this must be the busiest post ever.
Not that I’m planning anything…but…
Is it cheating if everyone knows everything?
M.’s pretty much shoving me at Joe or anybody else he can find (SexyDoctor has come up in conversation and I don’t even have his number). I’ve looked at the Explorer history and he’s been on a couple of sites (Facebook, Myspace, Yahoo profiles) nothing damning yet. He’s also smiling more than he has in a year. Seems like he has a plan himself. He seems happy to know he has a home and me for whatever he wants, and now, he’s hoping for a bonus besides.
Maybe he is just sick of the pressure of being married. It hasn’t been fun for a long time. A big part of that is the infertility issue. But, leaving that aside, the only things we have left in common are the trailer and a semi-joint bank account (it’s in my name but it’s his money). We have no common interests and he isn’t interested in finding any. Heaven knows, I’ve been trying for 2 yrs to find some, but a love of Burn Notice and House does not a marriage make.
It’s a kick to gut either way it goes. I’m sick of fighting men for what I want. How about the antiquated notion of fighting to keep or get your woman? Wth happened to that???? It’s a shame they’re the only people with the right equipment.
Hon, it sounds to me like y’all are both looking for a way out. Neither one of you is happy, and I don’t think that having sex outside the marriage will make you (or him) more happy. It might be gratifying, but would it be satisfying. (Dr. Phil moment, sorry). And yes, I would consider it cheating even if everyone knew, but that could just be because of my past experience with the subject. Think about this: how would your life change…really change…if M. was no longer a part of it? Would you be more relaxed, happier, and “yourself” or not? I soooo wish you had text messaging.
OMG! It sounds like you’re married to my x-husband! My x suggested an open marriage… he also felt that the fertility issue was mine alone… refused to go in to get checked… I found a title for one of his online ads “married but looking” when I started typing something in a box online and it tried to fill it in for me. It sounds a little like a sinking ship to me. If you were me, and I knew what I know now (or something crazy like that) I would say leave him. It will only get worse. Try out the Joe thing again if you think you may be a better match (and if you don’t want to be alone). You might regret it if you don’t. Don’t waste any more of your time with M.
Boy, sorry if that was blunt!
Wow. You know what my first response was (besides smacking him upside the head for even uttering the word open in reference to his marriage)? It’s that I would have a HUGE problem with someone playing head games with me “testing” me rather than speaking to me as a partner. I would not stand for being ‘tested’ by anyone; and if I were, I may just fail. You know?
Second, it really sounds (from what you’ve said in the post/comments) that you’ve decided — that you need change in some form regardless.
We all deserve happiness however it comes.
And I’m totally not advocating cheating; I’m talking more life changing than that. Probably a lot of unpleasantries before you see the sun, but it’s there.
*new reader* I have a different opinion then everyone else about the open marriage, but that’s just my lil ol’ opinion. I am unsure that is the “issue” here though. You mentioned the “strikes”, so I would say if you’re unhappy, then you should leave. Easier said then done, of course. But ya gotta start somewhere, right? Hang in there and good luck. This is a decision only you can make for yourself! ok I’m done with my “speech”, sorry
-D
Danielle- Welcome. All is crazy here, but feel free to enjoy. I encourage everyone to speak their minds. Lord knows, I do!
It’s hours before I have to go to work. Can you tell I’m not sleeping well?
I’m not ever going to pretend that Joe doesn’t mean anything to me or that it isn’t gratifying (to borrow Ginger’s Dr. Phil reference *smacking her for using that man’s name!* I hate “dr.” Phil) to me that he’s nosing around.
Ginger, I do know what you went through. You know, I know. But this is so not the same thing. You were blind-sided. One minute he loved you and the next he was gone. M. is pretty much putting up neon signs that he wants out, and so am I.
If I were to go through with the original “plan” (http://honeywine.wordpress.com/2008/08/07/circles/), I know I’d be fine (better than fine really), but it feels so wrong to me to give up on a marriage for no “good” reason. My life isn’t being threatened, just my sanity. I’ve been making excuses for so long for him (see post prior to “the plan”). As a psychologist, I know that there has to be a breaking point when something isn’t working for you. Maybe we hit that when he told me I was on my own with the infertility. That’s a pretty big hurdle. I know if I stay in the marriage chances are good I could twist his arm on the subject, but I WILL NOT do that. I feel betrayed by him more than anything. The two men (M. and Joe back in the day) closest to you telling you “hey, no kids with ME!” is going to hurt and you don’t get used to that.
The hardest part about leaving is it’s my damn house! I’ve tried kicking him out. He just stood outside in the cold rain and lightning for 2 hours like he didn’t know where to go or what to do (he went from his mama to the Army…someone has always told him what to do).
When he moved into the other room before, I couldn’t do it because he was right there and I knew I couldn’t get over it with him still here. Could I get over it any easier with him here and someone else (not Joe…he keeps talking about his place like it would be Xanadu if only he had “someone” to share it with) waiting for me? I’ve been the one waiting. It SUCKS goat balls. I’d hate to put anyone through that. At the same time, if we get a formal divorce, I’ll be left with nothing but my trailer and a $600 a month job. I could make it, but it would be really hard.
So there you have it: guilt and money. The two things that really make the world go round.
It’s got to say something that I haven’t run off with Joe yet, right? Or with SexyDoctor when he was all up in my Kool-aid with the googly eyes? I’ve faced temptation and walked away which is more than I can say for him. The really sad part is that I’m actually more worried about M. than me. He’s not going to find it so easy out there without me. It’s going to hurt him, and he’s going to lose it…at least for a while.
Guilt…I got it.
Holy shit, Honey. That’s some serious choices you’ve got on your plate. I can’t even figure out what car to buy, so I can’t imagine that kind of dilemma.
All I can say is I think people really know when things are over. Holding on out of guilt is very destructive for both of you. Nothing good ever comes from guilt making your decisions for you.
I have no idea if he really wants an open marriage, but I’d have a serious talk with him on that and many other issues. Good luck!
I have friends who have carried on an open marriage for more than 10 years. Neither one ever wants kids and they are both airline pilots so the apart frequently.
They like building a life together, but honestly don’t care what goes on in the bedroom whenever they other isn’t around.
Different stuff works for different people.
What’s the difference whether it’s an open marriage or I just go through with the plan? The result is I’ll still be married and for quite a while. My brain hurts. :*(
*picking my jaw up off the floor*
Oh man. That is just so wrong.
Ask him if he’s ever heard of a “separation.” Geez.
Would he go to counseling with you? That’s what I would do. Get it all out on the table and find out which category he really is in.
Hang in there. I really feel for you! *hugs*
Just so you know, you can delete only certain items in the history without deleting the entire folder.
Google his user name(s) and see if anything comes up. Heck, google his name as well. You’d be surprised on what you find!
Honey,
My husband and I were having some major issues about 6 months ago. I had held in issues that I had with him for so long that it was taking a toll on our marriage. Finally one night I just let everything go. I told him everything I thought, how some things he did or didn’t do made me feel, everything. In the end we decided to make it work, but really it could have gone either way. Mind you our situation is a little more complicated with 2 kids in the mix. I just don’t want you to decide that you have had it. You really need to lay all your cards on the table with him and just see where things fall (my opinion). And I am with you on the just getting a divorce for no GOOD reason. But really being miserable 24/7 is a good reason if you can’t work things out. My 2 cents.
Careful what you wish for. 2 yrs of begging and he finally talked. He said nothing I didn’t know, and everything I feared.
He’s been looking online but has found anyone. He figured me talking to Joe left him free to do as he pleased. I guess this last year was just all for nothing.
We’re beyond counseling, but it explains why he refused it so often over the years.
Hasn’t found anyone that is.