Testy

 

I will be so very happy when this in-house separation crap is over. 

 

M. has been pretty nonexistent in my life for the past few weeks, and I could not be happier.  Even when I stayed home yesterday, we spoke rarely and I was able to do my own thing in relative peace.  No.  M. has not been the problem.  Instead, my Mom and Davis decided to attack me yesterday when M. came over to Mom’s to drop Pascal off.

 

M. usually brings the dog over to Mom’s when I get back from Brian’s.  That way I get a chance to play with him and talk to Mom which kills two birds with one stone.  Mom ALWAYS tries to get M. to sit and talk when he comes up there, and since our separation, M. has spent about double the time there as compared to before meaning that he actually sits down for 15-20 minutes and talks.  I know why he does it.  It’s because he has no one to talk to now that I’m staying shed of him, and he’s lonely.  I get it.  The problem is that Mom doesn’t.

 

The minute I came through the door yesterday Mom said something about not interrupting M. to bring up the dog.  I thought she meant that he had brought a ho into my house which is what she was implying (she gets bored and likes to stir up trouble…she also probably wanted to know what I’d do about it…answer?  kick his ass out…his staying is due only to my benevolent patronage and I’m counting the days until he’s gone).  M. had a date the other day with what he tells me is a 40yr. old divorcee (it didn’t go well…she stood him up one night…then showed up the next afternoon on a whim bringing her 17yr old daughter and 8yr old grand-daughter…then they had a flat tire and M. is useless at that sort of thing…meaning anything that doesn’t include sitting his ass on a sofa), but Mom seems to have been hoping that seeing him move on would make me come running back.  Ummm…lemme check…am I still relatively sane?  Yep!  Then, no, I won’t be taking him back. 

 

Mom was still quizzing me when Davis, Tina, and M. all converged on her living room.  It went downhill from there.  Davis joined in with Mom (I often forget that Davis is still so bitter about his ex-wife…she cheated on him and never really gave things a chance even though he wanted to…of course, my situation seems to have become fused with his own at least in Davis’ mind).  They both professed not to understand why we are separated. 

 

 

 

The truth is that they don’t really care why.  I have always felt like the family stone.  I’m not allowed to have my own feelings and any expression other than absolute responsibility for the world is met with a “you’re just nuts” attitude.  I love my family, but there are many, many times when I do not like them or their treatment of each other or of me.  It’s especially hard to swallow when you’ve been terribly hurt by someone and you already feel like a failure and you’re trying desperately to rebuild some sense of yourself.  M. sitting there with a sh*t eating grin and going, “That’s what I said!” doesn’t help matters.  He’s still hoping for that open marriage bullsh*t, and I guess Mom and Davis think that’s a better idea than the separation.  Tina spoke up for me several times, but it’s pretty impossible to turn the tide when 2 people louder than me are going at me like bulldogs.  These same people have told me to dump his ass many, many times before.  Why try to stop me now?

 

I answered back something about M.’s ho’s (yep…that’s how I refer to them…what else is there to call them?  his girlfriends?  his lovers?  so far this is the first one he’s met, and there is obviously no love there just plenty of lust…and for the record, he refers to any men I talk to as man-ho’s…I figure we’re even), and they began attacking me for denigrating his women.  Davis said something about me not giving M. a chance, and that M. needed women too.  I have offered to drive M. to them more than once, and Tina has saved time so that he could meet up with them at the bar only to have them dump him at the last minute.  I WANT him to go out.  I want him to have a fun time with them, fall madly in love, and go live with them.  I want to forget he ever existed and up until yesterday, I was doing a great job of that. 

 

I am literally counting the days until he leaves for Japan in January.  In less than 3 months, my home will be my own again, and I won’t have to go out of my way to be sensitive to M.  I will be able to tell “dull as dirt” guy, “Sure, you can come over this weekend and make me dinner” (maybe he’s better in person…somehow I doubt it though…conversations about Adam12 and vegetarianism don’t make for a stimulating evening in my book).  Or, I could talk to Gigantor about his kids and job when I come home instead of trying to sort out what needs to be done around the house because M. was there messing it up all day (he still does his chores of washing his 2 plates a day and taking out the garbage once it starts falling on the floor…but I haven’t been there to do more than shower and sleep…would it kill him to sweep or dust the living room?).  I’m finally getting a hold on my life.  M. is my last obstacle, and the minute I drop him off at the National Guard post for his Japan trip, I’m done.  I’m free.  In the meantime, I feel like a prisoner on Cell block D.   

 

Hopefully, once this is physically over my family will let it go (mentally and subconsciously, I’ve realized that I stopped being married a long time ago, and I stopped feeling married less than a week after we separated…I don’t even think of myself as married and have to stop myself from answering “single” on forms at work).  I feel sorry for M.  I probably shouldn’t.  But, I have no intention of spending the rest of my life tied to someone who only wants me there to screw him and take care of him.  That’s a two way street, and the guy I’m looking for will understand that I can do all of those things for him and more, but he must do his best to do all of those things for me as well.  Life is too short to have to fight for every scrap of love you get especially when it’s supposed to be coming from the person who loves you most in the world.  I’m just starting to wonder if that’s not true for my family as well.  Maybe it’s time I broke ties with all of it.  Just drop it all and walk away.  Let them all find a new whipping girl. 

 

So who peed in your Kool-aid today? 

P.S.- I got propositioned by a creepy gangsta stereotype at my public library today.  I don’t know what’s going on out there, but I don’t like it.  He came up to my window before I could start my car, mentioned that he had seen me around and said, “So you’re single now.”  That’s the sort of thing that will freak you out when you’re in the hidden corner of a deserted parking lot.  But I just said, ”I’m separated but I’ve got a new boyfriend” hoping that would be enough to make him go away.  Instead, he kept grabbing his crotch and asked me if I knew “what they say about black men.”  Mmmm…oh yeah baby let’s just throw down here in the parking lot.  WTH???  Have men lost their ever lovin’ minds???  I’m beginning to have a genuine fear of the whang.