Middle Ages *update*

.Ok, let’s get into it.   

 

I’m well aware that my thing with Gig sounds CCCRRRAAAZZYYY!  Here’s the thing.  I’ve never been here before.  This is entirely new to me and I’m not talking about Gig.  I’m talking about ME.  I am an entirely different person from the girl I was when I married M. just 3 short years ago.  I’ve changed immensely.  Some days, I’m not sure just how much and then something happens to hold a mirror up for me to see it.  If what’s going on with Gig turns out to be my first ever, EVER crazy, insane wild fling, I’m ok with that. 

 

I didn’t really date in high school.  I was kind of screwed up by a false start relationship with one of the teachers.  He wasn’t my teacher.  He taught Special Ed., and I pursued him.  He didn’t do anything wrong.  He waited until he thought I was 17 (which is legal in La. or at least the cops try not to enforce any statuatory laws by that age…or they did back then anyhow…I was actually 16 though) to make a move, but by then I was too shut down emotionally to let anyone in.  My life might have been very different if there had been someone there to tell me that it was ok and that it happens to everyone.  Instead, I let the fear of rejection rule me and pushed everyone away at all times.  It took a light bulb moment for me to figure out that I didn’t make any mistakes then.  It just was what it was.

 

But by the time I figured this out, I weighed about 550lbs (down from 700).  I started dating.  I made a science of it.  I studied it.  I learned along the way, and I got damned good at playing at being “ok”.  But, I could never really trust any of the men I was with.  I just figured them out until I was comfortable with them.  I’m really good at that.  Joe came along and he was hard to read, but I fell hard anyhow.  I got hurt.  I took some time, but I really wanted to try again with him because it was special…to both of us.  Just as we started to think about doing that, M. showed up in my world by accident…or fate.  M. got me over some serious things whether he knew it or not.  I didn’t have body issues at 500lbs. but I had trust issues up the wahzoo.  Then M. let me down.  The one person I had allowed myself to trust COMPLETELY let me down.  But for a while at least, I got to see what it was to actually trust someone enough to let them see all of you.  I WILL NEVER TURN MY BACK ON THAT AGAIN.

 

It might not make any sense to ya’ll, but I’m starting to trust Gig.  He’s never been anything but honest with me even when he knew it would hurt.  Our problems tend to have far more to do with his fear of being alone on a shelf.  He is dealing with it, and yeah, I’m forcing him to deal with it because I do want this to work.  I’m probably trying too hard.  I know some people think that if you have to try at love then there is something wrong with it, but that just seems silly to me.  For thousands of years much of the world compromised to form relationships and marriages.  It’s only been since the Middle Ages that people began to believe in love as the basis for lasting happiness.  And how well is that working out for us?  Do I need to quote the divorce rate or unwed parent statistics?

 

I’m not saying that I’m going to drag Gig along with me.  Far from it.  But, I’m not above some hand holding.  That’s what we all wish we had, right?  Someone to hold our hand when we’re unsure?  I did say that we had “sort of” broken up.  He wants me, and I’m sure about that.  If I were there, we’d be together and that would be the end of it.  I just can’t be yet.  I want this to survive and to have a chance to thrive because I do care for him.  But, in the end, if it’s just a fling…if it’s just another notch…if it’s just another lesson…I’ll live with it.  I’ll cry.  I’ll regret.  I may even beg.  But, I’ll survive it.

 

Now…

 

Yesterday was a long day.  I got completely lost in Lake Charles!  lol  The directions and phone number I got online were for Dr. C.’s old practice.  So not only were they written wrong to get to the old practice, I finally found out that even if they were right it wouldn’t have helped.  So I called and got Dr. C.’s number, and one of his receptionists gave me directions.  Just one hitch, while the landmarks she gave me were correct, her turns were not!  The first mistake I get because she must have thought I was on a different side of the street, but the last one was just wrong.  I suck at directions to begin with!  And then she goes and sends me in exactly the OPPOSITE direction??? 

 

After much trial and error (and being outside the city limits at least once), I made it to the doctor’s office an hour late only to hear that I’m a text book case and he wished everyone did what they were supposed to after a gastric bypass and why was I even there?  The answer is that Dr. MM. thought he’d like to see me to confirm how well I had done.  Dr. C. did have one caution though.  I occasionally have serious pain across my stomach/abdominal area, and I noticed it most when I was under stress.  According to him it’s a type of herniated-something-or-other, where your intestines become caught between your old stomach and your new intestinal attachment, and it requires surgery.  Dammit all!  I didn’t say anything about doing it now because I’m waiting to see about the plastic surgeon Monday, but if it will take a while to start my plastic surgery or if they want to just do one area at a time like a breast lift first then I’m going to have to consider having the surgery for the intestines.  Man, I do not look forward to that.  It’s not quite as bad as having the gastric bypass again (they just move the intestines out of the pocket and sew it up), but it will hurt like a mutha!  But, hey, that’s why the good Lord made percocet! 

 

Despite being completely turned around, I figured my way back to the interstate AND got through it with not a single hitch!  If you knew me better, you’d know that’s like a freakin’ miracle!  lol  I even found my way to Gig’s parent’s house without following my directions!  He was pretty impressed by that.  I’m like a freakin’ homing pigeon when I wants to be.   

 

Gig was still at work when I got there, and I told him to tell his Dad that I was coming, but he said, “Oh he’ll remember ya.”  (at the time of our last date Gig had trouble with his truck, and I ended up dropping him at home…I met his Dad for all of 2 seconds then and he seemed kind of shocked to see me…Gig explained that I was the first date he’d had come to his house…I wonder how many of his other dates even know he lives with his parents?  I’m betting not a lot since we’d been talking for a week or so before he mentioned it)  However, I didn’t relish just showing up at his parent’s house unannounced!  But, it was that or wait in the car on the side of the road, and it was kind of cold as hell yesterday.  So, I drove up, took the Zucchini Crisp that I’d baked the night before, and knocked on the door.  Before he’d even gotten the door open Gig’s Dad was smiling and saying, “Oh HI!” very happily.  I asked him if Gig had told him I was coming and he said that he hadn’t come in from work.  I explained that Gig had told me to come on by and wait for him.  Gig’s job that day was in Texas, and it took another 2 hours for him to get home.  So, his Dad and I hung out and watched Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune.  I hadn’t seen those in ages, but it wasn’t too awkward considering his Dad is a pretty quiet guy from what I hear.  Later that night when I got ready to leave, his Dad seemed to genuinely hope I’d be coming back.  It was very nice.

 

When Gig arrived, he greeted me with a pet name and I motioned for a kiss on the cheek but his kissed me full on instead…in front of his Dad (I’m a little weird about the PDA myself…strangers around is fine, but family is different…I’m more guarded then).  It wasn’t tongue or anything.  Just a nice kiss.  Then he stood around talking to his Dad and me about the job he’d done and how it was set up.  The whole time he was talking though he was looking longingly at me and I could tell he was thinking, “How long do we have to talk to Dad before we can be alone?”  I finally broke the tension by going to his bathroom and giving them a chance to talk for a second.  When I came out he was in his room talking some sort of gibberish to get my attention.  I came in and he dropped everything he’d had in his hands and took me in his arms.  

 

Last night was the way it always has been with us…really good…in every way.  We talked about our lives.  We joked.  We played.  We had sex (though we hadn’t planned to do that).  It was good.  I pinned him down about the break-up thing and questioned him.  More than that, I warned him that this was his only second chance. 

 

What happened is what I’ve thought all along happened: he was alone and lonely and I wasn’t there to comfort him.  I regret that because if I’d known for one second that he needed a shoulder I’d have given him both of mine.  Instead, because of Thanksgiving and his son’s visit, we hadn’t really talked for a week.  It was too much for him to feel alone right then even though we had pre-arranged the hiatus.  I told him that he needs to learn to “reach out” instead of “push away” and I warned him that if he thinks he needs space all he has to do is ask for it.  I’m not looking for an agenda here.  I looked him dead in the eye and made sure he got it when I said I wouldn’t put up with that.  The next time he pushes…I’m out.  He had insisted that we were too close when he wanted to break-up with me, but it seems that we just weren’t close enough at the time.  He’s alone and he wants to be with me.  I wish that I could make that happen, but I’m an adult and I deal with it.  He’s going to have to learn to do the same.  If all you want in life is immediate gratification, you’re always going to be looking for the next fix.  That’s something Joe did and probably still does even after he recognized the problem.  The difference with Gig is that he recognized the problem and has tried to put a stop to that pattern.  For some people it’s food or drugs or alcohol, for other’s the really big high is dating, but dating is nothing in and of itself.  It’s the lasting committment that matters, and Gig said that himself without me ever pointing any of it out to him.  That tells me that he’s got potential.

 

All any of us can do is keep trying, keep learning from our mistakes, and try to make sense of it all.  I won’t look down on him for doing the same.  If it ends badly, so be it. 

 

At one point during the movie, Gig moved to hold my hand the same way he did at the end of our first date.  I looked up and he was staring at me with those speckled blue-gray eyes like there were a million things he wanted to say but couldn’t. 

 

Yeah…if this goes down…I have no doubt that it is going to hurt.

Update-  Btw, I don’t want to give anyone the wrong impression about all of these men I’ve been dating.  Gig is the only one of them I have slept with, and at the moment, I have no intention of adding a second man.  I don’t do well with that kind of thing.  I understand how some people can, but my emotions couldn’t take it.