Numbers Game

.I did say that Eveready would have an argument for me about what I had written and I wasn’t wrong.  When I got online Sunday night he had left me a message.  It started off with, “So ya think I’m all about sex???” He had read and re-read the last post.  He basically told me that I was going to think what I was going to think but that he knew what I wanted and that he wants the same things and that I haven’t given him a chance.  He challenged me to see him, and I said yes.  So Tuesday, I’ll be in Pineville, but I still don’t see it going anywhere for many reasons.  But, he’s right that I haven’t given him a real chance.  The sad thing is that’s true for most of the men I’ve been talking to or seeing. 

At one point in his message, Eveready asked if I was playing a numbers game, just enjoying the attention from all these men.  It’s nothing I haven’t wondered about myself, and I’m sure many other people who know me (including some of you) have wondered the same thing.  For a while now, I’ve had this debate going on inside me about whether I’ve lost my mind the way some people seem to do when they get divorced or if I just can’t say “no” to people or am I being indecisive or is this what I’m supposed to be doing.  Maybe I’m supposed to be looking around and seeing what’s out there.  I want to be in a relationship.  I always have.  But how much of that is me wanting it and how much of it is me living up to what I’ve brain-washed myself into wanting???  I’ve said these same things to some of these men, and they all say things like, “No, baby, I know you.  You’re just being who you are.”  And, I want to SCREAM.  They don’t know me!  Hell, some days I don’t know me!   I don’t think I’m using them for a few reasons, not the least of which is that it’s tearing me apart when they tell me they love me (yes, more than one of them has…and more than a few of them want to).  I don’t want to hurt anyone, ever.  They know I’m seeing other people.  They just don’t seem to care or maybe they think they are going to be the “one” in the end.  I’m actually afraid of hurting them.  The ones that are eating at me most are the two who want me to marry them (Stalker and Marrying Kind) and the two soldiers in Iraq.  Some of this needs to end, and I don’t know how to do it without hurting anyone.  I don’t even think it’s possible.  I’m going to hurt people no matter how hard I keep trying to stop them from going overboard. 

If that’s not enough, they’re pointing out to me just how numb I really am.  Emotionally, I’m torn apart most of the time.  Do I enjoy the attention?  Yeah.  Sometimes it feels really good to have someone tell you that they want you and that you’re beautiful.  But, most of the time, I just want them to stop saying it.  I don’t want to be wanted sometimes.  Used…I’m used to that.  That’s easy.  I don’t have to hurt anyone but me then.  How fucked up is that?  And, all I’ve been thinking for days is that this must be how some of the men, Gig and Joe in particular, in my life have felt.  If I can take them at their word, they had/have feelings for me, but didn’t know what to do when surrounded by other women saying the same thing.  How’s that for a lesson from the Universe?  Sucky.  That’s how.  Maybe that’s all any of this is.  Maybe I’m just being taught a hard lesson.  I’m scared that’s not all it is.  I’m scared that I’m becoming those men that hurt me. 

I had 3 dates in 4 days this weekend, and it was a different guy every night.  It feels insane.  I don’t think I’m sophisticated enough for this.  At the same time, there are a few of these guys that I think are in the right spot.  They respond to me and are slowly trying to connect with me (Supplier and Major Cox mostly).  They aren’t pushing or pulling.  It’s easy and it’s comfortable but exciting. 

I need to sort so much of this out, but I think I’m just starting to understand my life or at least, some days I think I am.  Ok, I don’t.  I so don’t.  At this point, I don’t know why ANYONE would want to know me.

I don’t know anything anymore.