Function

We finally got word from the kidney specialist this afternoon.  Mom’s kidney function is down to 20%.  At 12%, they will begin dialysis.  There’s nothing to do but watch her diet and hope that it takes a while before it goes down.

I was on the phone with Tina a few minutes ago.  She told me that Mom had said something about grandchildren.  My heart jumped a little and I thought she was talking about Paladin’s kids.  I think of them more and more as “our kids”.  Tina said that she wasn’t sure if Mom was dreaming or just mumbling because of the pain killers, but she said, “I’m not going to live long enough to have grandchildren.”  That has hit me so hard and on so many fronts.  I can’t stop crying even as I write this.  I don’t know what to say about it.  I don’t know how I feel about it. 

I know they aren’t our kids, but they feel like mine more and more.  I’ve never stopped feeling the need to have my own child, but that has never stopped me from loving these babies that are not my own.  I know what my mother feels.  It’s the same longing I feel.  But, I can’t make her any promises any more than I can make them for myself. 

Tonight, that rips me in two.