It was her stolen idea, and now, I’ve stolen it.  Just a bunch of lazy thieves around this place, I tell ya!  I have two great reasons: I have extra time for a short post.  And, I do have a few things on my chest.  I usually just spit it out, but I’m really good at hiding things from the people I’m in a relationship with and those I love.  I’m not sure if its a byproduct of being a woman or of being a fat woman.  It sometimes seems like those of us in the dreaded “fat” club (and I’ve known skinny girls in it too) just don’t always feel able to speak up to those we love or those we want to love us.  So here goes…

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Certain People- (I’m not going to bother with the disclaimer.  Feel free to guess the person in question.  It will be like a game show!)

1. I faked it every…single…time.
2. I was told it was an olive branch.  I just want to stick it up your whooha and make tapenade!
3. I almost cried when I realized that I had a grandpa again.  You’re one of the few reasons that I’m sorry its over.
4. You’re a teenager.  I don’t care what you tell yourself or how old you are physically.  You ARE a teenager.
5. I’m not sorry it’s over.  It’s actually a relief in some ways.  I’ll regret it, but I also breath easier.
6. I have wiped your ass.  You should never speak to me in less than the nicest of tones.
7. Are you ever going to tell him that the REAL reason you waited so long is you are absolutely shallow in every sense of the word?
8. I know what he said to you.  You and I both know it wasn’t an accident.
9. YES!  It is a sore point.  It always will be and I’d think that after I’ve told you that in every subtle way I can that you’d get the clue.  You’re not stupid.  Are you just playing dumb?
10. You have completely devolved and I don’t know who you are anymore.  I don’t think I want to know either.  I’m sorry, but I think it was meant to happen because we just don’t fit anymore.

Maybe I should have just written about the Gosselins or Rachael Ray?  I can’t stand either one of them.  Ahhh…celebrities…the last people we’re allowed to bash.  I love them so.  You can’t just say to someone, “You suck as a parent and I wish your kids would get put in foster care because they’re bound to do better than you even in that system!” in real life.  Why not?  Because that’s irresponsible.  If I said everything I wanted to say to the people in my life?  I’d be one lonely hermit which is the same thing everyone else would be.  Stupid society and it’s rules of behavior.  Bah!

I can say things like:

Octomom, you’re an idiot.  Didn’t you know America only likes people who have 8 kids AND a husband?  There has to be someone around to hit in the head when things are going wrong!  And would it kill you to drag everyone to church constantly to show just how much you believe in God?  See, then you wouldn’t have to be nice to the people around you.  I know, Angelina gets by without going, but she’s also spreadeagled over Brad Pitt every time you turn around.  She gets a free pass.  You’ve got to aim lower…cable television lower.

But, I can only say it to celebrities.  I can’t tell every whore I know, “You keep going to church and announcing it to everyone around you like you’re curing cancer.  Why is that?  Ok, so you went to church.  None of the messages are creeping in.  That just makes me think there’s something wrong going on in that church.”  Seriously, why is it that the biggest whores I know are constantly headed to church?  Do they even make it in the doors without feeling a little electrical shock?  Or, do they get side tracked by the pretty lights and the shiny pole on their way there?  What is up with that?

Obviously, I had extra time on my hands here.  Don’t you miss those days when I had tons of extra time and could write this sort of stuff constantly?  If so, then you really must be bored too.    Some people aren’t bored enough though.  That blogroll on the side there is going to be pared down one of these days.  There are few things lower than the blogger who shows up just long enough for you to add them to your blogroll and then disappears.  I realize some people blog for the camaraderie and to build friendships.  I guess I do to some extent, as well.  The truth is that I like the distance sometimes.  I love knowing all of you.  It’s just that life inside this box gets to feeling too tight.  The human contact thing is slightly important to me.  I’ve never been all touchy-feely but human connection is vital to everyone.  On the one hand, I don’t feel the need to forward ya’ll emails about soldiers fighting in their underwear, but on the other hand, I would like to go beyond the homepage especially when you’re hurting or going through something you are trying desperately to handle.  The truth is I’d rather you just pick up the phone.  Remember those quaint pieces of machinery?  I’ve never had any intention of saving the world, but I always want to be a safe place to fall.  So, if I don’t get on your site constantly, it’s not that I’m not thinking about you.  If I’m not emailing you twice a day and sitting on Yahoo Messenger stalking you, you might just have to live with that.  I’m still around.  I’m just difficult to reach.  Oh, and Der Stalker, I changed my phone number.  Everybody else can have the new one though! 

Go on.  Say something without fear of retribution.

Me:   Who’s there?

Indy:  Indy!  *giggle*

lol That’s what a fair amount of my weekend sounded like.    I love that little Indy thinks I’m her joined-at-the-hip playmate, but I think I’ll enjoy it more when she understands how the knock-knock joke works.  lol

I haven’t posted because things have been far too insane. 

Last week, Dave, Paladin and I took Brian to town to arrange for deferments for several of his payments because of the cut in his VA benefits which began immediately despite the letter the VA sent stating that it wouldn’t start until June.  When we brought Brian home, we discovered that the Sheriff’s department was looking for Manjina and had 2 warrants out for him stemming from unpaid child support.  As we were getting ready to leave for the day, Manjina called from the jail.  Earlier that morning, I had told his on-again, off-again girlfriend where he would be, and Brian, who doesn’t care for her much, automatically assumed she had tipped off the cops.  Brian’s stepbrother, current owner of Brian’s residence, made it clear that Manjina would not be allowed back in the residence, and by the next day his stepbrother began clearing out the property.  The day before this happened Brian had asked me about Paladin’s offer to have him move in with us, and I assured him that it was still on the table.  After Manjina’s incarceration, Brian has decided to go ahead and take us up on our offer.  So, this week we will be starting the renovations to make our home handicap accessible.  In the middle of all of this, my head supervisor out of Shreveport came through to go over Brian’s Plan of Care and we explained the situation to her; she assured us that its not a problem for Brian to live with us and that my job will not be affected. 

As for who tipped off the po-po, Manjina’s girlfriend has been pulling every string she can to try to get him out, and at one point Brian turned to me and said, “I don’t know if it’s love, but she’s killing herself working for him.”  I reminded him that I like her.  She’s a hard worker and a go-getter and she pushes Manjina to do what he needs to do.  She’s a good woman.  As for the tipster…my bet is on Mar.  I think Mar thought it would be the prime opportunity for her to worm her way in here.  Her reaction to the “surprising news” was also very suspicious as in she wasn’t surprised at all and seemed to be fishing to see if anyone knew how they’d found Manjina.  Hmmm…  I’m guessing it’s killing her that Brian will be moving far away from here.  Or should that be “far away from her”?

So, probably before June 1st, I will be living at the Deridder house full-time.  The good news about that is I will be able to be online a lot more!  w00t!  I seriously miss being here, and I miss it even more now that more than half of my local girlfriends have left Ft. Polk.  It’s unfortunate, but it’s the nature of living near an Army base.    Girl’s Night hadn’t been the same since the men had come back from Iraq, but at least we still got to see each other.  Now, nearly all of them have been reassigned to different bases around the world.  Our last Girl’s Night was poorly attended, but I was really there to see Rachel and the kids before they left for Missouri.  We spent over an hour in the parking lot hugging and laughing.  Dave and Will came by while we were outside and Rachel had to go joke with them for about 20 minutes.  I guess I’m going to have to get over my aversion to using my Facebook and Myspace accounts because like many young people that’s Rachel’s favorite way of staying in touch.  *sigh*  And, yeah, I know I sounded totally old saying that.  *crotchety old lady voice*  You little whipper-snappers get off my lawn!

I truly appreciate your suggestions concerning our custody issues.  I took them to heart and have spent two days going over my personal correspondence and the blog in order to piece together a log of our custody issues.  Of course, this was partially spurred by more ugliness over the weekend.

We had a lot of things happen over the last week and over the weekend with Mull.  After she kept the children from going to the zoo with us, we decided to keep the children over Spring Break but only on our terms.  As it turned out, she refused any contact with us over Spring Break. 

By Thursday night, Paladin prepared for war and when he contacted Mull to pick the kids up for his regular visitation, he was prepared to tell her that if she tried to prevent his visitation that the police would become involved.  Fortunately, Mull eagerly agreed to the schedule and he didn’t have to make that threat.  I’m guessing that hanging out with five kids wasn’t her boyfriend’s idea of a good vacation especially since he turned 26 on that Friday according to the kids (Mull is 35).  Hey, I guess even a blind guy notices five kids after spending a week with them.  Can’t keep them quiet forever.  The duct tape glue wears loose.

Friday night was pretty quiet really.  Blondie had a headache, but she recovered after a small dose of children’s ibuprofen was put down her.  We blindfolded Bell and brought her into her party room (soon to be Brian’s studio) to give her our family gifts while Tina, Dave, and Will were there.  She got a ton of Goth accessories from Tina & my family, a glam Goth bracelet from me, and a tiger print mini-skirt from Paladin along with a pair of shoes to replace her extremely worn-out favorite flats.  She loved it all and the room.  I had taken the blue Christmas lights I had bought for the wedding (50 cents each at after Christmas sales…I’m planning to use them to light the trees in the back yard for that fairy effect) and lined the entire room in them.  I took one set and wrote her name on one wall in lights.  We borrowed Brian’s 32 inch flat screen tv for the party which turned out to be a great blessing.  The original party was meant to be a “water” party because they had so much fun playing with the water balloons at the BBQ that Bell wanted to do that for her birthday too.  But it POURED the rain all weekend long.  Instead, I had about a dozen Goth kids in one room.  When we weren’t looking they went out and ran in the rain.  When we got them back inside they played Twister and then watched bad horror flicks (“American Zombie”, I want that hour of my life back!).  It was probably all for the best because I ended up being the party overseer all by myself. 

Before the party, Savvy complained of an earache twice.  I was pretty sure she was just seeking attention, but to be safe I insisted she take some ibuprofen and lie down.  When she didn’t make too much of a fuss about it, I figured it was better to be safe than sorry.  I told Paladin to take her to the ER and I’d hold down the fort.  He got back just before the party ended.  As it turned out, she did not have an ear infection.  It’s likely that she agreed to lie down because she relishes the extra attention.  But, the doctor did say she had an upper respiratory infection (aka a common cold) and possible allergies and the doc prescribed Motrin and a nasal spray but decided that an anti-biotic wasn’t necessary. 

As usual, we learned a lot of little tidbits from the kids.  Bell told us that Blondie and Savvy have both begun wetting the bed at Mull’s, but we’ve been checking their beds and they’re staying dry here.  That seriously worries me.  Bed wetting can be a sign of anxiety in young children.  But, I also wouldn’t be surprised if there was some sleep apnea involved because these children snore loudly.  Still, it doesn’t explain why they are bed wetting at home and not here.

Then, while making pancakes for breakfast on Saturday, Blondie piped up and said, “Mom never makes us breakfast!”  They had been at home all week for Spring Break and I asked them what they’d been eating.  They told me they ”put peanut butter on bread” and Blondie said “I get salami out of the fridge.”  Ask me how pissed I was!  All five of these children have had a hot breakfast EVERY single day they have been with us at the Deridder house except ONE morning when they asked for some of my cold cereal.   So I said, “But Mom gets up and takes care of you right?”  Blondie and Savvy were both answering back and forth and it went something like this:  “Mom is sleepy.”  “Bell is supposed to take care of us.”  So I asked them, “What about Indy?”  They told me that Indy doesn’t sleep in Mom’s room anymore; she sleeps in the living room or in their bed.  So I said, “But what about when you go to school?”  They answered that “Mom leaves her door open so she can hear Indy.”  If I was pissed before, just guess what I was thinking by the end of that conversation!  This kind of stuff kept coming up all weekend and HELL YES I MADE NOTES!  We knew Bell was bearing the brunt of the parenting at Mull’s but we had no idea how much.  The next morning I was talking about Indy’s need to be potty trained (she’s beyond ready…she tells you when she needs to go and gets on the toilet by herself) when Bell told me that Mull has been having Indy wear the panties I sent home with them but she’s doing it to save diaper money.  Then Bell complained, “but then I have to take her to the bathroom every few minutes.”  Not much of a life for a 16 yr. old.  I too was a parent figure at that age, and although I took a lot of pride in it, I also didn’t have to care for 3 kids under the age of 8.

Things just seem to be quickly going down hill with Mull.  The girl’s new underwear is still missing a MONTH after I sent them home with them and Mull just says she doesn’t know where they are and they’re still showing up with the same 3 pair of stained underwear they’ve been wearing for the last 6 months.  Four months after she first mentioned it, Savvy’s hearing aids still have not been fixed, and it’s a Tricare service; it doesn’t cost her a single DIME!  Poor Savvy keeps showing us her cavity, which is getting much deeper, and asking us to make a dentist appointment for her, and when we talk to Mull about it, she says, “It’s costs too much.”  When Paladin offers to pay the co-pay for it (about $150 according to Mull…Savvy also pointed to the new NintendoDSi commercial and told me that “Mom has that”…Walmart.com has the game for $199…I guess her toy is more important than Savvy gumming her food), she counters with, “It takes months to get an appointment.”  Bull!  Pure BULL!  I called the dentist’s office myself yesterday and they had appointments for after-school for 3 days this week and assured me that they didn’t have to hold treatment for Tricare participants.  I knew that before I called the dentist (so does Mull…she’s used them before), but I wanted to double check and to make a note of it in the Custody Log.  Mull also sent Savvy back with her Easter dress shoes because according to Savvy, “Mom says they’re too big and they look ugly with socks.”  So Savvy wasn’t allowed to wear her shoes with her Easter dress, and since I haven’t seen these kids in a single dress shoe, I’m guessing she went in her dirty sneakers.  For the record, when Savvy tried the shoes on they were a bit loose, but the smaller size was too tight and since I’d just bought her new socks I had told her she could wear them with the socks.  Martian has his own issues and Saturday he had to be forced to take a bath (he admitted that he hadn’t had a shower since Wednesday) and later that weekend he mentioned to Paladin that Mull had used a “wooden spoon” in regards to discipline but we never got the full story.  Frankly, things just got deeper as if a bad mothering hurricane was tearing through this week.

Saturday morning while I was cleaning up breakfast, Paladin and I found out that the little girls didn’t know about the divorce.  I guess telling your kids something like that just isn’t necessary in Mull’s book.  So we spent about 5 minutes explaining what it was and that it wasn’t a big deal and that nothing was changing from the way it was right now.  It didn’t seem to phase them at all and I was glad of that.  All they’ve been saying for months is that “Dad left” and I constantly correct them.  When asked, they know that “Mom took us to the hotel.”  I really HATE that Mull tells these kids that their father left them when it is the most untrue thing in the world.  He’s done everything he could to be there for them all along including asking Mull to come back knowing she was pregnant with yet another child that wasn’t his.

Just when I thought the day couldn’t get any longer, Saturday, after Bell’s party, we put the Borrowed Girls to bed in their room.  Begin the saga!  It’s been going the same way at least one night out of every visit for the last 2 months:  Savvy goes to sleep with no trouble at all.  About 1am, Savvy starts coming into our room and continues to do so every hour for the rest of the night until I give up and sit in her bedroom and make her keep her head on her pillow.  After that, she’s dead to the world.  So, it’s not that she’s not sleepy; she just seems to wake up and wants to be up wandering around.  I thought maybe she was afraid of the dark, and she has used that as an excuse but she has a different reason for wanting to be up every time.  To cut her off at the pass, we had put up blinds with curtains over top of them, we’d put in a nightlight (which was useless because there’s so much light from the porch and street light that you can barely see it), and we’d given Savvy a flashlight.  All of it was useless.  The next morning I found out why.  Bell told us that Savvy has been doing this at Mull’s too.  She goes into Mull’s room and Mull tells her to go get in bed with Bell (we make her stay in her own bed).  According to Bell, when Savvy goes to school she tells the teachers that she’s ’sick’ but what she really means is that she’s sleepy.  Because of school policy, they send Savvy home and Mull let’s her sleep on the sofa.  Bell says that this has become a habit with them.  Because Savvy is being counted at attendance in the morning, she’s not on the absent rolls, but she is missing school.  So, later this week (Paladin has appointments today and tomorrow), Paladin is going to stop by their schools and find out the in’s and out’s of what’s going on with ALL of the school-age children (we already know that Marvin has missed all the school days that he can).  Mother of the year, I tell ya…

Sunday wasn’t that bad.  I put Savvy on punishment because during her night tirade she had woke both Blondie and Indy by screaming that she didn’t want to stay in bed and had taken apart Indy’s sippy cup.  I made her write 30 lines saying “I will stay in my bed all night and I will not wake up other people at night”, and I wouldn’t let her play on the computer at all.  When she complained, I told her that the punishment was for our house and that she could ask Mom if she could play on the computer when she got back to Mull’s trailer park.  She replied, “But Mom’s always on the computer; she doesn’t let us use it.”  Boy, that picture just keeps getting clearer, don’t it?

I wouldn’t bank on Mull being off the computer any time soon, Savvy.  When Mull showed up to pick the kids up on Sunday evening, she pulled out the b**ch fit card.  Paladin came inside all flustered asking me about these imitation-Lego blocks that Mull sends with the kids sometimes.  I told him that they hadn’t brought them.  He looked anyhow, but they just weren’t there.  He went out and told Mull that if we found them, that we’d bring them to her.  Mull told him that she wanted those blocks and she wasn’t leaving until she got them.  He came back to look again, and I started getting hot under the damned collar let me tell ya.  Like I’m hiding children’s blocks!  That’s right!  I plan to retire on selling used $20 bags of imitation Legos, b**ch!  He looked again and still no blocks.  This time when he went out she made the teenagers get out of the van to go look for them.  I stayed in the house because if I’d went outside I’d have a cut a b**ch fo sho!  I sent him outside and told him to go take up the laundry list of crap she needed to address (all that stuff up top there) and I’d help the teens look.  Sanjaya2 was with them and he said, “She seems to have had a really bad day today.”  That’s about the nastiest thing that boy has probably EVER said in his life; he’s that sweet.  I replied, “I’ll bet.”  By the time, the kids came back out, she was more than ready to leave because she ducks any discussion of her parenting like Willie Nelson tries to outrun the IRS.  The long and short of the block epic is that 20 minutes later when Paladin called the kids had found them sitting in their bedroom the entire time.  Hand to God, if I’d went outside, the cops would have been called.  I wanted to call them immediately but Paladin doesn’t want to have to go there until there’s no other choice. 

My best guess on Mull’s meltdown?  I’m guessing that a week spent with five kids in a trailer makes it very clear to a 26 yr. old blind guy that EVEN HE CAN DO BETTER.  Since she drives him back to college every Sunday before she picks up the kids, I’m guessing that Mull and Jeremy either fought or broke up.  I hope for his sake it was the latter.  Either way, I’m guessing she will be online hunting for another baby daddy line up this week.  Mull likes to hedge her bets.  In her line of work, you have to.

At any rate, that’s my life of the past week or so.  Crazy.  Just pure crazy.  Tomorrow night, we’re sending the Custody Log to Paladin’s Dad who works in child support enforcement in Oregon.  I don’t know if all of this stuff is enough to get Child Services involved, and we want his opinion and that of his contacts.  We’re also taking copies of it into Paladin’s lawyer and pushing him to get off his ass or we’re going to have to get a new ambulance chaser.  We also have to start the renovations on Thursday.  It’s all too complicated and it barely leaves me enough time to scratch my ass much less get online.  I have pics waiting to be posted, but I have to get my software reloaded on the computer at work.  We’ll see how much of a slave driver Paladin is this weekend.  Maybe I’ll get to be online at home! 

*sigh*  Try not to forget me.  I won’t forget you.  I’ll be around when I can and in a few weeks, we’ll be together again. 

P.S.- Maricel, point taken.  I haven’t updated my About Me page and I so totally have put that on the list.  Of course it’s number 195 on the list.  So, it may be a while…

I haven’t posted in a week, but not for lack of trying.  There has been A LOT happening on ALL fronts.  But, I’ll start with the easy stuff.  The day after I wrote that last post I got online at work to catch up with all of you.  I got halfway through my blogroll when the boss sent me off to town.  The next day when I got to work Manjina told me my computer had another virus.  Boy, he did it right that time!  This virus wouldn’t let you online at all and you couldn’t even run any anti-virus or anti-spyware programs.  I had no choice but to wipe the entire hard drive.   Yeah, that’s about as much fun as it sounds.  It took 2 work days for me to wipe the drive and reload the basic programs.  I haven’t even put MS Word or Picasa back on it yet.  I’m not even going to load Yahoo Messenger because I’m pretty sure that’s how he got the virus in the first place.  His Yahoo accounts have been getting hijacked for months with the hijacker changing his password and sending out messages as him.  Going by the messages, it’s obviously a vindictive ex-girlfriend or someone related to them.  I tell ya.  Here’s a clue Manny.  STOP HANDING OUT YOUR PASSWORD LIKE IT’S CANDY!  And how about you don’t add everything with a female name that asks to be added?  Not so hard really.  At any rate, if you thought I just didn’t care or skipped your blog intentionally, SO NOT TRUE.  Somewhere in the middle of all of this, there was a kids weekend, my relatives came, Rachel got her PCS orders, and Tina had a minor celebrity sighting.  So let’s hit this…

When Mull dropped the kids off on Friday, she and Paladin got into it over me.  It started innocently enough.  She sent them with a ton of craft stuff for the weekend.  When they came through the door, Blondie was gushing over it telling me how “Mom said we can do this here.”  I told her in my smiling, sweet, not-on-your-life voice, “Nope.  You can do that at Mom’s.  I have stuff to do this weekend.”  Mull was still outside giving Paladin a schedule for Spring Break (but I’ll get into that later).  So, Martian took the stuff back out to her.  Mull flipped.  She told Paladin, “She can’t tell my kids what they can and can’t do.”  I was inside with the little ones and oblivious to all of this, btw.  Paladin told her that I was none of her business and Mull told him she’d ask her lawyer about that. Paladin told her that was fine that he wondered just what the judge would have to say about her selling babies.  As I said, I was inside the house and had no idea this was going on.   Bell came inside and was obviously upset.  I asked her what was wrong, and she said she didn’t know if she should tell me.  I told her, “In this house, we have no secrets” and took her to the bedroom to talk.  She told me about the fight going on outside.  I told her that Dad and Mom were wrong to fight in front of her and Martian.  She was having trouble explaining how she was feeling, and I told her that I knew she felt caught in the middle and that she didn’t have to be.  I told her that it’s the adult’s responsibility and she’s a teenager and that anytime she felt caught in the middle she could come to me.  We hugged.  It was totally a bonding moment and she felt better.  When Paladin came inside I dragged him into the bedroom alone to find out what was going on.  He hadn’t known that Bell or Martian could hear them.  I left the room and sent in Bell and Martian so Paladin could talk to them and apologize.  And, the rest of the weekend went off without a hitch except for some arguing between Paladin and I.  I always get stressed when pulling off a big to-do.  I try to do everything myself (in this case, that meant redecorating a courtyard and porch and cooking for 30…all in 2 days…I’ll have decor pics soon!) until I can’t and then I hand off a few jobs.  Paladin wanted to go put a bracket over his license plate.  Yeah, way more important than fixing the grill and getting out the cooler.  So, yeah we got into it, but we got over it…as soon as he saw the light…  I told him if he thought this was rough, he should see how I get when the wedding comes.

Sunday, we planned a BBQ and invited my relatives and all of my girlfriends (I told Rachel to forward an email to them but most of them didn’t show up…not sure if Rachel was lax or what…this has happened before with her…she shows up with one or two people in her car and that’s it…I’m starting to wonder if it’s intentional friend-hoarding or coincidence).  We didn’t tell the kids this until the day of the BBQ because every time we have made a specific plan and told them about it something has ruined it.  They all had a blast!  Paladin got water balloons, and although I missed most of it because I was making sure everyone got fed, I hear that they got several of my cousins GOOD.  lol  My relatives all loved the kids and fawned over them.  Savvy got her hair french-braided by my aunt and was over the moon about it.  Rachel showed up with her 3yr. old Naudia and with Girl’s Night regular Clara and her little 4yr. old Junior (how I wish I’d given someone a camera while I was running around making strawberry margaritas and telling Bell that “I don’t care if your mother lets you make her pina coladas and drink with her.  It’s not happening here.”).  Naudia and Indy are about the same age, and Junior and my cousin’s little boy Christian are the same age.  So, the kids had built-in buddies.   The boys did great and were in cahoots in 10 seconds.  But, Naudia has me worried.  She wouldn’t play with the other children (she is shy with most people but she’s been in daycare with other kids for months) and when you put her next to Indy you can tell that they are on two different developmental tracks entirely.  Naudia’s language skills are stunted to some extent and Rachel has already spoken to a speech therapist because of it.  I’m very worried about it.  Sometimes you really don’t see how significant it is until you see them with other children.  I’ve been around this child more than her own father (thanks to deployments) and on this Monday, they will be leaving for Missouri.  I’m going to miss them so very much.    Anyhoo, the party was still in full swing when Indy informed me that she had pooped.  We headed inside for a diaper change and Mull showed up halfway through (who keeps feeding this kid curry?  seriously, she could peel paint off the walls!).  I told Martian we’d be out once it was done.  When we came out I almost had to force Indy to go because she wanted to keep playing outside.  I’m sure that helped Mull’s mood.  Eventually, the party wound down and we headed out to my Mom’s.

The majority of the week was spent at work trying to repair things.  First, I worked on my computer.  Then Brian told me that he had gotten a letter from the VA telling him that he owed them almost $17 grand!  Needless to say, we spent a day at the VA trying to get somewhere with that.  It comes down to additional medical expenses, such as OTC meds and transportation costs, that the VA has been giving him a monthly stipend for, but that Brian didn’t claim (it was determined before Tina’s time and we suspect that a previous worker filled out the form and padded it…but the Hispanic Morgan Freeman voice on the other end of the line would only say it was “data” they had on file).  They are going to dock his pay by over $500 a month.  Brian thinks it will all be ok, but things have been tight since Mr. Ralph died and he had to take over all the bills alone.  The other day before Paladin and I left Brian asked if the offer to move into the West Wing still stood.  Of course, it does.  Not a problem.  We’ll be happy to have him as a tenant. 

I did take off for most of Tuesday and Paladin and I joined the family on a trek through Natchitoches.  Paladin had never been and we hit all of the same places we’d gone with Ginger last summer including St. Augustine Catholic Church (the wedding ceremony of Steel Magnolia’s was filmed there), Oakland Plantation (it’s undergoing renovations but they’ve opened far more of it since last summer), and Magnolia Plantation (it was deserted and not even the caretaker was there…last year we had a ghostly encounter there that scared the bejesus out of Ginger :) ).  Then we went to lunch at The Landing restaurant on Front Street where the food is ok but you really pay for the ambiance (I prefer Merci Beaucoup around the corner); the bread pudding always makes me forget the cost though.  Paladin and I avoided most of the shops and just strolled along the river front talking about how what might have been.  If Mull hadn’t screwed up filing the divorce, we’d have been in Natchitoches secretly getting married that weekend (I mentioned that to Mom when we got home and she flipped…apparently, I forgot to tell her about our interrupted secret elopement plans).  We ended the day out at the Bayou Pierre Alligator Park.  Unfortunately, it was still a bit cool out and alligators don’t like that, but the baby goats were ADORABLE!  I used every quarter I could lay my hands on to feed them!  Paladin was hanging around talking guy stuff with my Uncle Rob.  Paladin fits in with all the relatives just like he’s one of us already (the brothers even like him…he hangs out and drinks coffee and argues politics and speaks guns & ammo…like I said, he fits right in!  lol ).  On the way out of the park, Tina stopped the owner to tell him how much she enjoyed watching him on A&E’s The Exterminators and she told him about her minor-celebrity sighting.  Last Saturday, she was in Walmart when the brother on the Exterminators, Ricky, asked her if he could get past her.  She went totally ‘OMG!  A celebrity!’ stunned and stuttered, “Sure, Ricky.”  Then Ricky looked stunned.  I’m pretty sure it was the first time he had been a celeb-sighting.  It made Tina’s year.  It was a good quiet day, and I went home with White Russian and Irish Coffee truffles from Front Street’s Les Saisson candy shop. 

In fact, everything was quiet until Thursday evening when Paladin and I got into a major fight.  He has a bad habit of telling the kids everything about our plans which is the same as telling Mull.  Martian called him Thursday evening and asked what we were doing and he told him about the zoo, stopping at Mom’s for painting (weekend before last, I let Savvy and Indy talk to Mom on the phone and Blondie has been asking about her too…Indy threw a major fit the other day wanting to talk to “mom” on the phone…Paladin thought she meant Mull and I had to explain to him that she meant my Mom…this would have been their first time to meet my Mom in person but they’ve met the brothers and Tina a few times) and bowling on base with the Girl’s Night crowd.  I screamed at Paladin over that and told him that we’d never see them now.  He argued back at me because I’m too controlling and have to have my way and he’s not going to lie to his kids.  I told him, “This is who I am and you’d better figure out now if you can handle it; if you can’t, it’s best to leave now.”  He walked out of the ghetto trailer and came back a while later.  We talked it through but nothing was really settled.  I took the argument harder than he did.  He thought of it as a little spat.  I spent the rest of the night driving back to Deridder with him quietly thinking about whether or not he could handle life with me.  I’m under no illusions.  I KNOW I’m controlling and I take my life and everything I do seriously, but I haven’t changed in 20yrs.  I wouldn’t hold my breath on things changing anytime soon.  Paladin tried to get me to talk about it by the time we stopped at Walmart for gas (people don’t really appreciate you sitting in the van for half an hour talking while they wait to fill up, btw).  He finally realized that he’s not the only one with abandonment issues.  I may handle mine better, but they’re still here sitting beside my ’second class citizen’ issues having coffee and talking shite.  My issues didn’t even get a chance to cool down when Paladin pulled out the forgotten Spring Break schedule Mull provided.  He had forgotten to show it to me until that moment.  I flipped a bit.  Mull’s schedule was basically her taking the kids to the zoo Saturday and to Church Sunday then immediately leaving them with us after Church for most of the rest of the week.  Gee…I wonder if college students get the same Spring Break.   They do?  Why, really?  By morning I was still steamed at Paladin despite his hugging me tight in bed and telling me how much he loves me (that doesn’t keep me from being mad about suddenly having to work out my work schedule so that I can work, take care of the kids, and be with you week-after-next when you have to be in the hospital for 2 days).  Mostly, I was pissed because I’d been looking forward to sleeping past 6am for the first time in a month, to having a single day when I didn’t have to clean or take care of a million other things.  I wasn’t mad at him for long though.

When Paladin called at 8am to make sure the kids were up and getting ready for our day out, Mull informed him that they couldn’t go because they were sick.  Uh huh.  After I’d told Paladin “told ya so”, I suggested he roll on over there and see just how sick they were.   The answer?  Probably not at all.  According to Mull on the phone, Savvy was throwing up all night and Indy was sick and had a fever.  When Paladin got there, they were gone.  Mull soon arrived with all the kids in her mini-van dressed and ready to be left with us; she wanted us to leave Bell at home alone with Indy and Savvy and take the “healthy” kids to the zoo (that leaves Martian and Blondie, btw).  That would never under ANY circumstances have happened; at most, one of us would have stayed with them and Bell would have gone with the rest of the kids.  It’s not Bell’s job to take care of a sick 2.5yr. old and 8yr. old!  She’s only 15!  Dammit, Mull, be a mother or step aside and let a grown up do it!  Of course, sick is a very relative term.  Paladin quickly found out that Savvy had thrown up once the night before and she was hanging on him begging to go to the zoo as perky as ever.  Indy was kept out of his reach; so that he couldn’t touch her to check her “fever” but she didn’t do her usual sick kid thing (she wasn’t listless or glassy-eyed or cuddling up…and believe me, we know what she looks like sick…Mull has sent her to us sick MANY times).  Paladin informed Mull that her ploy wasn’t going to work.  If the kids were really sick, she needed to either stay home and take care of them herself or take them to the ER on base (it costs her nothing but time to take them there).  She told him that just maybe the kids would be sick the next time he was supposed to have them too.  He told her that if she couldn’t take care of her responsibilities that a judge could make sure she did.  Mull has sent those kids to us about 4 times in 5 months with illnesses and has yet to have taken any of them but Martian to the doctor (she only took him because he’s missed so much school that if he didn’t have a doctor’s excuse they’d fail him).  Savvy keeps telling us about her cavity and that “Mom says she can’t afford to take me to the dentist”; Paladin has offered several times now to pay the co-pay for the dentist (as he did for Bell to get her braces and he pays to keep the dental insurance which is an extra charge in the Army system) and Mull just got almost $5k in tax money and another big pay-off from the adoption.  She can afford it.  She just doesn’t want to.  She wanted to make sure she ruined our day out and to get her way.  Paladin told her that wasn’t going to fly.  He came home without the kids because of it.  Bell texted him telling him that it was unfair to not do it Mom’s way because that way at least some of the kids could go and instead now they’d be in the ER for hours; he texted back telling her not to do her mother’s talking for her (Mull makes Bell and Martian talk to Paladin for her despite the fact that we’ve told her time and again to do her own calling…it’s not like Paladin attacks her or anything…it’s called being an adult).  What else was he supposed to do?  If we had taken these obviously-not-sick kids to the zoo as planned, Mull would have reamed us over it and she’d probably have done the same if we’d left Bell to take of them (as if  we’d do that!).  In the end, we’ve pretty much decided not to make Mull’s life easier by taking the kids for most of Spring Break.  We want them here.  We do.  But, Mull can’t have it her way all the time.  She doesn’t get to tell us how to spend our time with them.  Period.  And, I, for one, really don’t feel the need to take care of the kids so she can spend romantic weeks with her college student especially if it’s on her terms.  The Wednesday before this, Paladin talked to his attorney about equal custody, and the lawyer said he could file for it but it’s going to take time.  His lawyer isn’t the greatest and seems to be juggling a lot of clients.  I told Paladin that he’d just have to be the squeaky wheel.  We haven’t been formally documenting Mull’s activities or hunting her down or making notes about her men, but it looks like it may be coming to that.  *sigh*

So that’s been my week in a nutshell.  I’m going to try to get to your blogs tomorrow since I’ll have my Sunday free, I guess.  I hope you haven’t all disappeared.    Right now, I’ve got to water my neglected garden, check out the very needy cat, and go to the last Girl’s Night.    Byes!

It’s an extremely rare Monday post… so you know it can’t be good…

I started out ranting in my head this morning over a tv host on a decorating show splurging $300 on 8yds. of fabric.  Seriously?  You HAVE GOT to be kidding me.  But I wasn’t really thinking about that all morning.  I wasn’t even thinking about today being the last real day of soldiering for Paladin (thankfully, he finally seems excited about this new phase of his life despite fighting it tooth and nail).  I wasn’t even thinking about the crap that Mull pulled this weekend (hopefully I’ll get to tell you about that tomorrow or Wednesday).  I was thinking about the same thing that’s been on my mind for weeks. 

It started out simply enough.  I had a break during some of the work I was doing here around the house and I took the opportunity to jump online and check my email which is something I do even more rarely than commenting on blogs these days.  In my email there was a quick note from an old girlfriend that I knew back when M. and I lived on Ft. Polk.  I could tell there was marital trouble on her mind even though she was asking what I was doing and I sent her a note about what I’d been up to since Christmas and asked her about her husband.  We were never exceptionally close friends but I guess we bonded over marriage and because I happened to be a shoulder when she found out about her husband’s infidelity while he was in Iraq.  We email a few times a year, and often it’s because one or the other of us needs a shoulder.  It’s kind of an odd relationship.  lol  In fact, my real life friends remind me a lot of my blogroll.  Some of my friends are VERY religious holy-roller types, some are the “margaritas after work” type, some are the Katy Perry boob flashing type, and some are just salt of the earth mommy types (even if they don’t have kids).  Friendship is something that’s been high on my mental list lately and it’s no secret why especially for those of you who have been around here for a while.  I’ve tried not to comment.  I’ve tried to wait it out and let it do what its gonna do.  But, let’s face it:  I suck at that.  So, I’m going to talk for a minute here.  It’s the LAST AND ONLY time.  I say these things with no expectations whatsoever:

If you’ve read this blog for a while, you can tell that I’m a pretty judgemental person.  I am.  I know that.  I’m good with that.  I often cop to being old-fashioned in my sensibilities.  I have my own sense of morality, and yes, it is situational.  If I love you, if I care about you, I WILL tell you what I think.  If you’re a friend of mine, you know that.  It happens too often for you NOT to know that.  It is a fault of mine.  BUT, it’s a fault I have absolutely NO intention of changing.  I have a lot of faults, too many to count I’m sure.  Some of my faults I’ve learned to control over the years, but my judgemental nature isn’t one of them.  It’s a core part of my personality.  It may not be the prettiest part, but it’s who I am.  I will not be changing that. 

I am a good friend.  Scratch that.  I AM A GREAT FRIEND.  I will sit with you for hours upon hours while you cry.  I’ll help you find a way to go on when you don’t think you can open your eyes another day.  I will hold your hand when everyone is coming right at you.  I will be have been your voice when you couldn’t speak for yourself, when others tried to push you in a direction you didn’t want to go.  I’ve got your back…always.  I’ll be the first person to send the new baby gift.  I’ll spend hours pouring over ideas when you want to redecorate your new place or for your big event.  I’ll laugh with you over Cher’s outfits.  I’ll gossip over ANYTHING with you.  And, when you find the person in your life who loves you and treats you like the greatest gift he can ever know, I’ll have tears in my eyes when I congratulate you. 

But, I won’t be ANYONES friend that feels I should be nothing but a “Yes Man”.  I won’t fart rainbows over your latest paramour that’s been around less than a month.  I won’t do flying leaps over some dude.  Sorry.  I’m just not that girl.  And, in case you haven’t NOTICED, I don’t expect you to do that either!  I’ll get excited when you’ve been together for 18 months, are engaged (complete with ring), or are expecting your first child.  That’s it.  That’s my line.  Until then, he’s just an accessory.  Do I expect you to be excited over every new guy?  OF COURSE!  You should be.  I respect that.  Hell, I’ll listen to you wax poetic over him just the way you let me wax poetic over my guy.  Until it’s more serious than swapping body fluids and daydreaming about what might be, it’s all fun, but I give it about the same amount of consideration I would if we were in high school and talking about the baseball players cute asses.  It’s delicious to think about grabbing on and making it yours forever, but it’s high school and we’re too young for forever.  I’m not going to turn a blind eye while you disrespect me, intentional or not.  People can say a lot of bad things about me, but the one thing that NO ONE can EVER call into question is whether or not I’m a good friend.  I’m sure I’ll be the first to say the thing you don’t want to hear.  I’ll be the first to point out the cliff you’re running toward.  And, yeah, I know that’s f**king annoying.  It’s the price you pay for my friendship. 

Or should I say paid?  Yes, I’m looking at you.  No, I didn’t break down and call.  No, I didn’t even send an ecard or comment on your blog.  I didn’t even break down and do that Facebook wall thingy.  And, I’m not going to.  I have cried over this many times in the past weeks.  I’ve fretted.  I’ve ranted to Tina and Paladin.  I’m shocked that it went down this way.  But, this is as far as I go.  Obviously, you didn’t like my opinion even if I tried to give it in the nicest/non-threatening way I could (yeah, I could have said something snotty…you know I could…remember my asking you if you were trying to be the new Pamela Anderson with the crazy rocker wannbe guy?).  The blog you wrote said to me “I’m over our friendship because you’re too judgemental and you aren’t there for me.”  I’ll admit that I’m not the person who picks up the phone 90% of the time, but I’m always waiting at the other end.  I haven’t got tons of time on my hands these days which kind of reminds me of the many, many times you’ve been in this same “too little time” situation.  I’ve always made time to talk to you whenever I could often putting my own stuff on hold in order to do it.  I’ve been a good friend to you, but if I’m not your friend anymore…if that’s true…I’ll deal with it because this is who I am.  Take it or leave it.  I love you.  I haven’t called you my friend in a LONG time.  I’ve said, “you’re not a friend, you’re family” more times than I can count because that’s the way I feel about you and the way my family feels about you.  But, I’m not willing to be loved one minute and reviled the next.  No, I won’t be your Yes Man.  I can’t do a Pamela & Tommy Lee kind of friendship.  I wear my heart on my sleeve that way.  I won’t ever think of you as an ex-friend.  I’ll be sad to see you go, but I won’t stop you and I won’t run after you.  If this is a war of wills over who talks first, this is as close as I’ll come.  Maybe our friendship has come to an end.  Maybe it’s just changed into an “acquaintaince” friendship where we’re civil if we meet, but not close.  And, maybe it will slip into a “friendship coma” where we don’t hate each other but never speak again.  I may not have been the friend you wanted me to be, but I do believe that I’ve been the friend you needed.  If you don’t need me in your life, let it fall.  Think it over long and hard first, but I will accept whatever comes next. 

Like I said, this is the ONE AND ONLY time I will speak of this.

I’ve been pretty spotty in the blog reading these days, and I always feel guilty when I post like this but don’t have the time to stop and read yours (especially a couple of really cool new bloggers that recently poked their heads in!  seriously, go look at Steph’s page…I’m seriously jealous of her!  and Blondi has the coolest music thing at the bottom…I was listening to it while I wrote this).  I’m always glad to see ya’ll.  I think about your blogs even when I can’t take the time out to read or just can’t get to a computer.  I swear by Scarlett O’Hara’s green curtain dress that some day I will get it all together and be a master multi-tasker who can do it all.  Unfortunately, my kit is still in the mail.    So, I’ll catch up with ya’ll when I can.

Hugs, Honeywine.

I’ve been fighting a small bout of depression for the last couple of weeks.  Life isn’t bad right now especially, and I know that consciously.  But every time I turn around something happens to emphasize the vast black and white areas of my life.  The latest has two words:  “eminent domain“. 

After work and blogging Tuesday, life just got better when I headed home to hear those two words.    In the last few days, there has been a community ruckus.  A local newspaper article has one of the General’s at Fort Polk talking about how much Polk brings into the local economy.  Then he segued into:  Oh by the way, we’d like to expand from the bombing range to Hwy. 28, but we’ll buy ya’ll out; this won’t be like when Polk was built in 1941; read my lips, “no eminent domain”.  What’s that bumper sticker say?  Sure, you can trust the government; just ask an Indian.  There’s talk that one guy already sold out his place.  The locals are up in arms and for good reason.  Most of them live on family property owned by generation after generation.  I truly feel for them.  I can’t blame them one bit for being up in arms.  Some of them have second and third mortgages, and they’ll be lucky if they break even.  There won’t be a fresh start for them.  For others, like my family, our little rattle trap places are crappy and free of mortgages, and we’ll probably come out ahead on the deal.  When we built Mom’s place about 30yrs. ago, the land cost us about $300 (a steal even then because the old man who owned the place took a shine to Dad…we helped out taking care of old Mr. Monk off and on until he died) and we logged and sawed the lumber ourselves.  We built it with our own hands.  Altogether, we probably don’t have $15,000 in the place.  The rumor is that the going rate will be 50% over the appraised value.  At that rate, we’d do ok, and provided we found the right place to move to, we might even flourish.  It’s a fresh start for my family, and I’m happy for them.  But, I’m sad too. 

I know that this is by no means a certainty.  Sure, the local store has up the map showing where the lines have been drawn, but it doesn’t mean it’s a certainty.  I keep looking at everything in bloom: the jessamine in the pines, the purple redbuds, the rows of daffodils going wild, the wild plum tree out behind the old chicken coup which I painted and stenciled myself.  For 30 years, this place has been home.  We’ve always prided ourselves on not having a mortgage.  WE own this place, not the bank.  No one but us has any right to it.  The rest of my family is excited.  Paladin is excited (he’s dying for me to live out at our place full time instead of this back and forth).  I’m not.  I haven’t been feeling excited about life in general for the last couple of weeks.  I’ve been feeling like I’m wading through waist high water because of all the constant moving.  I’ve been pushed and pulled this way and that by obligations that I took upon myself.  This damned cold or plague or whatever it is isn’t making things better.  I should be happier now that I’m only hacking half the night and hey, I can talk above a whisper now.  Life isn’t better right now though.  But that’s just the way life is, right?  Sometimes, it’s not that your head hurts; it’s that your life hurts.

As always, I’m trying to see the sunny side.  Paladin.  I love him more deeply every single day.  When he heard about the land deal, his first reaction was, “There’s plenty of room here for a double wide for the family.”  His second reaction was, “Well if they want to move somewhere else, we can always sell out and follow them.”  There is a quiet joy deep down inside me every time I see his face.  Tuesday I had his car at work and I went back to Fort Polk to pick him up only for him to turn around and drive me back to Mom’s.  It’s a 2 hour trip after he’d worked all day long and he was exhausted.  When we got to Mom’s I made a pot of coffee and made sure he downed most of the pot.  His brain tumor left him with seizures and driving at night isn’t a great idea (he swears its fine, but I worry).  I always remind him to call me when he gets home; so I know he got there ok.  He forgot to call that night.  I called him at bedtime.  I knew, he was ok, but I wanted to check.  He was so angry with himself.  I told him it’s was ok.  He said to me, “It’s not ok; when you love someone you don’t leave them wondering.”  I almost cried.  He shows me everyday how much he appreciates me whether it’s a small supermarket bouquet every Friday or a greeting card every time he passes one that makes him think of me.  Sometimes, when you strip everything away, life can be easy and simple.

Everything around me is changing in ways I hadn’t ever imagined.  Marriage is hard enough to get used to.  The first time around I wasn’t sure I could take it.  There have been times lately when I wasn’t sure I could take it a second time.  Then I turn around and I’m at Girl’s Night and we’re talking about kids.  Clara perkily says to me, “You wanted kids and now you have FIVE!” in her Columbian accent.  I couldn’t help but laugh…well…whisper/laugh.  Change isn’t so bad right? 

Some of it is sucking right now.  Ok, it’s sucking more than I ever imagined.  The last couple of nights I’m not sleeping and my thoughts are constantly on the events of this week.  I’m ranging between aggravated, angry, and just plain sad.  Maybe the moon is in Mars and causing all sorts of havoc?  Yeah, just blame it on astrology; it’s as good a reason as any.  I feel like one giant raw nerve right now.  The good just ain’t outweighing the sad.

I’m not ducking anyone.  I’m not hiding out.  I’m not disappearing off to love nest bliss (Paladin and I have hit the “as good as married” stride already).  I’ve been hacking my guts out and when I wasn’t doing that I was painting or cleaning or wiping someone’s ass.  And, when I did have time it was used to worry because Paladin is being ousted from the Army.  He’s being “medically retired” which means a significant drop in pay.  So, I’ll be keeping up my seemingly constant back-and-forth moving from house to house in order to keep my lovely ass-wiping job for quite a while.  Sorry, I fogot to be blissfully, saccharin.  Today, the sweetness ain’t comin’ so easy especially when I get blindsided by my BFF. 

Maybe it’s time I quit.  Maybe it’s time to retire from the damnable internet bullshit.  I thought the internet was supposed to be the place where you could come and while away some time and chat up other people who were doing the same and simply enjoy yourself.  I didn’t know it was supposed to be a profession and that computers were supposed to be glued to your wrist.  Whatever.

The lovely Danielle at Life Induces Thoughts, Mostly Random gave me an award!   

It makes me want to actually open a lemonade stand, but then I remember how pathetic…and quite possibly extremely creepy…that would make me. 

Truthfully, today I don’t feel like making lemons into lemonade.  I would, however, like some nice juicy ones to cut in half and throw at some people.  I have to say that most of you who read this blog don’t come off as all Pollyanna.  Thank, the gods!!!  This makes it hard to choose who to give the award.  So, the first 5 commenters get it!  Hey, maybe someone will even delurk!  Though after reading the search engine terms, I hope many of you stay lurked.  A lot of you want to be spanked.  Yikes. 

Teeni gave me an award and a meme!  It’s all about honesty.  I’m pretty sure that if nothing else comes out in this blog, the one thing that does show up time after time is HONESTY.  My one thought on this is, “What haven’t I told ya’ll?”  There can’t be much left!  But there may be a few scraps of info that I’ve held back on.  We shall see!

Here’s how the Honest Scrap award meme works:

The honorees of this award are to: A) first list 10 honest things about yourself – and make it interesting, even if you have to dig deep! B) pass the award on to 7 bloggers that you feel embody the spirit of the Honest Scrap.

Ten honest things about me:

1.     I still have serious perfectionism issues.  I know I sound all loosey goosey sometimes, but underneath it all is the same old me that wants everything to line up “just so”.  Paladin doesn’t actually help with this because he’s pretty much the exact same way.  We try to let some things slide and not get too crazy, but occasionally the insanity takes over. 

2.     I’m 36 yrs. old and I’m starting over again and I’m scared by that.  I don’t get scared too often, and it usually doesn’t last.  It’s instability that frightens me more often than not, but this time it’s not instability or even 5 kids thats kicking off my fear response.  My life has been weird enough.  lol  This newly forming union is equal parts of insta-family and insta-retirement complete with Winnebago (Paladin has mentioned traveling the U.S. in an armor plated Winnebago more than once).  What the hell is comforting about that?

3.     I’m racist.  Yes, I am.  It’s a problem that I developed after a bout with an INSANE downstairs neighbor from Guam.  I am not proud of my prejudice in any way.  I know it’s there, and I purposefully do an internal dialogue to remind myself that a gut reaction to a South Seas islander is just the memory of one crazy b**ch.  Unfortunately, from time to time I meet or hear stories about others from that neighbor’s same cultural background which reinforces my prejudice and it makes me wonder if it’s the culture that’s so different or if there is a genuine issue with mental illness (much as there is in my family lol).

4.     I’m also 36 yrs. old and have no real career plans.  I have several pieces of paper which say I be right smart, but only one of them matters to me (I freakin’ earned that Master’s…I actually worked at it, and for me, that’s quite unusual…the Bachelors, being my high school class’ valedictorian, my paralegal certificate were all just me skating by per usual which makes me a little sad…a consistent 3.9 GPA and I wasn’t trying…what if I’d actually tried???).  I’m capable of almost anything (I’ll leave genetic engineering to the experts like Ron), but I honestly do not worry about work and careers.  I’m happy with enough, but I know that my job here will not last forever.  In fact, I will probably be looking for something new before the year is out because “our” house is in Deridder and that’s a 50 mile drive from Brian’s.  It just can’t last.

5.     I don’t LOVE kids.  Allow me to explain.  I find them entertaining.  I respect them.  I genuinely enjoy seeing the world through them.  But, I know how hard they can be to deal with…you know, like people and all.  I’m no Duggar.  So yeah, I have reservations about having FIVE step-children even if they are awesome (which they are…so far). 

6.     I’ve been having a lot of disturbing, nightmarish dreams lately (like shooting some lady and her 2 kids instead of M…then driving through a neighborhood on garbage day where every house has a stroller or crib in the trash before I get to a house where I’m stalking some lady who is charting her fertility…Freud totally rolled over right then).  Of course, it’s no small wonder because I’ve had some underlying anxiety these past months.  I’ve noticed that it seems to disappear the minute I’m with Paladin.  I hope that’s a good sign. 

7.     I have an option to have kids (not Paladin’s…he had a vasectomy and doesn’t want a reversal but he suggested we look into sperm donation…he did this without me ever even bringing up the subject…I hadn’t said anything because early on he had said something about being done with all that…I should have known better…he adores all children…I love him), but I don’t know if I want to.  The biological urge is there, and no, I’m not just talking about my mother’s “are you gonna?” urgings.  But SIX???  Six is a lot of kids, and it is nice to have our time together knowing that we can pick up the 5 kidlets and get our family on when we want to.  But, I do want that child I’ve been working so long to see.  Chances are we’ll try at least a few times, but if Fate doesn’t allow it, then a basketball team will have to be enough.

8.     Alcoholism has been a part of my life since I was a small child, and it affected me deeply forming my personality to a great extent.  Nothing creates instability like alcoholism, and I have never delved deeply into the psychological aspects of my reaction to my father’s alcoholism.  It’s not a stone I want to turn over.  I hope it won’t come back to haunt me someday.

9.     I can’t tie my shoes.  I know “how” to do it, but they won’t stay tied even with a double knot.  So, I make other people do it for me!

10. Sometimes Pascal tries to eat boogers.  Sure, it’s not exactly about me, but as a doggie parent, I fell it reflects badly upon me.  So, I’m owning it.

There we have 10 honest things.  Given a few weeks I could have found some that were more interesting I suppose, but really, my life is pretty banal.  So probably NOT. 

Now for the honorees who are also honest people (so good luck finding new things to be honest about gals!):

Kat at 3 Bedroom Bungalow in Crazy Town;

ETW at Glamorous Life of a Hausfrau;

Alf at I Shot a Man in Reno;

Penelope at It’s me penelope;

Ginger at Names Have Been Changed;

Karen at Smiling Through It All;

Danielle at Life Induces Thoughts, mostly random

 That’s all folks!    I’m out for today!  Catch ya on the flip side moon doggy!

*IMAGE HEAVY* 

Our holidays really got rolling around here with a Girl’s Night on December 6^th.  So I thought I’d share those pics first!

Here’s one of Tristan, me, Mijha, and Rachel (left to right):

I was left in charge of Tristan which was not such a bad thing if you like wearing sesame noodles.  The only problem was the Asian hibachi chef kept putting food on Tristan’s plate that was incredibly HOT.  I spent half the time trying to keep this old guy that barely spoke English from giving the 1yr old third degree burns.

On the other side was Tina but she was running the camera.  So here’s a pic of Clara (in white) and Sonya (best known for an infamous Girl’s Night where she kept pulling down her mini-skirt and showing us her thong all the while proclaiming that she was “strictly dickly”…she was subdued on this evening having moved out of her marital home that morning…there’s a story there and I hope to hell I get to hear it soon!):

Clara’s son Junior and Rachel’s little girl Naudia were VERY excited about the aquarium:

December 19^th was M.’s graduation and he asked me to come.  I did and I took pics and even video for his mother:

I also managed to get to Fort Polk and provide a little Christmas cheer to the barracks room of my new guy (whom I had barely met at that point…but I just couldn’t take the idea of his kids being without a tree on Christmas day when they were there with him).  I brought candy canes for each of the kids and him, and he and I decorated the tree together.  It was incredibly nice, and I could tell that he was genuinely happy decorating it together (M. and I tried that once just a month after we were married…it sucked ass…M. isn’t much for any group activity).  And, here’s a peek at that tiny little tree with it’s tons of tinsel (my guy kept throwing on tinsel…even more than I normally put on and that’s SAYIN’ SOMETHIN’!):

Christmas Day was hectic!  And I mean!  Remember Thanksgiving when I had THREE of them???  Well, I cut it down to two Christmases.  At Mom’s we had Rachel, Naudia, Tristan, and our other Girl’s Night regular Rebeca, and we had old family friends: Martha, Doug, and their daughter Helen.  Just 13 people and a dog and a parrot!  It was a rollercoaster.  Mom had everyone get up at 5:30am to open presents because I was taking a dinner to Fort Polk for my new guy and his kids (since they were stuck in barracks…don’t worry you’ll hear about him in the next day or two).  I made an interesting haul: a knitting loom set, a cookie jar, perfume, an addition to my Santa Claus collection, and one gift that I’m putting at the end of this post.  Tina had given Pascal an entire wardrobe of dog clothes (yeah, I thought I was the crazy dog lady around here…apparently not), but one was the cutest little red and white, Nordic sweater and I HAD to put it on him! 

Here’s a pic of Doug, Tina, Rachel, Pascal, Naudia, Tristan and Rebeca (left to right):

And, here’s one of Helen, Martha, Doug, and Rachel (left to right):

Unfortunately, Rachel and company were an hour late.  So, by the time they got there, I had about 30 minutes before I had to leave and head to Fort Polk to meet up with my guy and meet his kids for the first time (YIKES!…that is something I’ve never done early on in a relationship, but he asked a few times and I finally decided that maybe me not meeting the kids was more of me protecting myself than me protecting the kid’s feelings).  It was a lovely day and I survived it despite being on the road most of the day (I still went to work at Brian’s for a few hours that morning but he decided that he didn’t want Christmas dinner just homemade chicken and dumplings for Christmas Eve on which I worked my little fingers to the bone).

Oh yeah…  I almost forgot about my last present!  It was from M. (he got some more tiger underwear from me…I had bought them months ago…and yes, the next post will catch you up on what’s up there too).  But, Tina wrapped it in true Tina-style!  See if you can guess what it is!

Well, I was up until about 4:30am on Turkey Day.  I got about a 3 hour nap before Tina woke me banging on my door to get started on Mom’s Thanksgiving dinner.  3 hours of sleep in 48 hours was not pretty.  lol  I pulled it off for the most part though with a minimum of mishaps. 

The main mishap?  I SWEAR I SEARCHED THAT TURKEY HIGH AND LOW FOR THE GIBLETS!!!  But, I didn’t find any!  I found the neck and usually the neck and giblets are packaged together, but not this time.  And, I mean I looked that bird’s ass up and down with a flashlight!  Then I got to Brian’s and Manjina started carving the bird and about halfway through he found the paper wrapped giblets under the skin near the breast.  How the hell they got up there I have NO IDEA!  I know, it’s such a CLASSIC Thanksgiving screw up.  Fortunately, the bird was still delectable according to the meat eaters.  I put on the traditional spread which I was a little concerned about since everyone there expects things to be cooked the way Brian’s Mama made them.  All three men ended up staying for my dinner instead of following their original plans and they’ve been eating the leftovers ever since.  I call that a win. 

At Mom’s I barely put in an appearance because they were just sitting down to eat as Tina and I were about to leave for our Ft. Polk Thanksgiving or FPT.

FPT was a bit of fun.  We actually had the dinner at Rebecca’s (Rachel’s next door neighbor and long time Girl’s Night participant).  It was nice and all the usual girls were there, but no guys as Tina (ok…and I) had hoped.  After some serious cat wrangling on the part of Rachel’s toddlers, it was revealed to me part way through the dinner that at last weekend’s Girl’s Night Gig and I were the main topic of conversation.  Some of the girls didn’t know about the separation, and Tina clued them in about all of my goings on including the various men I’m dating and my upcoming doctor visits. 

Later, several of us ended up back at Rachel’s place with the SingStar karaoke going.  I was definitely fading by then and was half asleep on the end of the sofa.  Rachel’s little girl Naudia kept trying to put on Elmo and screwing up the game.  Then I threatened to kill Elmo.  What?  I was freakin’ sleep deprived.  The girls were all laughing and shocked, but Naudia settled right down and crawled up and laid down with me.  She ended up falling asleep on me.  So, hopefully, I didn’t scar her for life.  It all finally began to disband about midnight.

So, I got about 5 more hours of sleep before I had to get up and go back to Brian’s.  I was dragging.  In fact, by 2:30pm when Brian got out of bed, he actually sent me home and was afraid that I’d fall asleep behind the wheel.  I obviously made it back though.  Manny was occupied with his new ho, but still trying to work me before I left.  All in all, I had a relatively unscathed weekend. 

I wish I could say the same about the upcoming week.  This week I have doctor’s appointments with Dr. MM and my gastric bypass surgeon in Lake Charles.  The biggie is the plastic surgeon but that’s not until Monday of next week.  M. has only 2 weeks of school left, and things will still be hectic until that’s over.  So, I’m off on another Honeywine rollercoaster.  *sigh*  I wish I could promise to see you all, but I really can’t.  I miss reading your blogs.    I will do my best though.  *hugs*