Archive for January 26th, 2008

 I tried to ignore the spot on the pantiliner yesterday, but this morning there’s no ignoring the facts.  It’s right about now that I walk outside with Pas and I want to just keep walking until I reach some desolate cabin with a rocking chair.  (Fucking PMS.  I think I need to make a PMS pillow that I can beat the crap out of.)   

The second thoughts (and third and four hundred) are ‘what haven’t I done?’   

-bought the Mexican Clomid (but the day is definitely coming…septuplets doesn’t sound so bad right now)

-taken the FSH test (because I don’t really want to know that it really is all my fault especially when I can’t afford to do anything about it)

-the naked fertility rites (I don’t know why not…maybe it’s my last resort)

-standing on my head (because I never could do that and I have no idea where to hang the ropes and pulleys so that I could accomplish it)

-cut out caffeine entirely (I’ve cut it down to less than 300 mg as suggested, but it’s time to really just let it go)

-any of a million other little things like hanging baby pictures everywhere (I’ve only done that in our bedroom…how hard it was to get back into bed this morning and stare at them in the half-light) 

As the blog name implies, I’m usually very good at looking for the goodness of life.  Right now…not so much.  I try to think of our family friend who was 40 (married for 20yrs without so much as one miscarriage) and suddenly became pregnant.  But it’s not working this morning.  Fucking PMS.   

Instead, I wonder if M. even notices.  I can never tell if he’s not deep or if he’s so deep that he can’t express it.  And yes, sometimes I wonder if he even cares.  Guys tend to have the whole ‘I can be 80 and still have kids’ mentality even though science has proved them wrong (those 80yr olds and 40yr olds are the rarity).  And a lot of times M. sits and does something so childlike (this morning it’s watching his favorite tv show Power Rangers) that I think maybe he really doesn’t care.  I know he says he wants to have kids more than anything.  (And why would I even want to question that?  Fucking PMS.)  Sometimes I think he’d just assume have an Xbox.  I know he pays attention when it’s time to try.  He watches that stick like it’s a new video game because that means sexy times ahead.  Instead of wondering, I’ll just try to remember it’s the PMS. 

I also try not to think of all the people in the world who never try.  I try to look at Pas and remember that he will always be my little guy (even though that little voice in my head keeps echoing that he’ll never say mommy).  And I hope beyond hope that tonight’s movie will not be a tear-jerker even though I’d love nothing more (I’d rather it be me in an empty house on this grey day with a cup of chai watching Colin Firth in Pride & Prejudice).  Instead, I’ll put on a happy face, fix Tina’s hair, and add more ovulation kits to the grocery list.   


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