Archive for August 5th, 2008

Last night we got a call from Delbert (he’s our brother from another mother or bro-a-ma).  His 15 yr old stepdaughter is pregnant. 


I won’t say that it didn’t hit me hard.  I know it’s nothing to be jealous of, and frankly, M.’s aunt’s pregnancy hit me much harder.  But I don’t think I have to worry about that now.


A couple of posts ago, I was telling ya’ll about crying over frogs, and trying not to cry when it seems like everyone around you is getting pregnant but you.  M. read that post, and that night when we got into bed he hugged me and said, “You had a rough night last night.”  At first, I thought he’d just noticed how I’d cried myself to sleep two feet away from him, but then he told me how he’d read about it on the blog.  He also hadn’t noticed the silent tears spilling down my cheeks when I was writing that blog post even though he was on the sofa facing me just seven feet away.  I didn’t say anything, and he went on to play a game with me.  Maybe ya’ll can play too.  It’s called What Would You Give Up?  Would you give up television for a baby?  Would you give up the internet for a baby?  To each of his questions, I answered yes (I paused and thought about it…I didn’t go with a knee jerk reaction because I wanted to be honest).  How I wish I hadn’t joined in the game, but I had to ask the same questions he had.  No, he wouldn’t give up television or the internet (not even for a month…he says it’s because he doesn’t get enough time with them now).  Maybe it was the Clomid talking, but I couldn’t help but think of all the sticks and tests and general crap I had been through.  So, I asked him, “What would you do?”  He basically told me that he would continue doing what he was already doing (i.e. wearing boxers and screwing me).  No, he wouldn’t take Clomid.  No, he doesn’t want to go to any doctors (actually he flat out refused loudly).  No, he doesn’t want to give any samples or have anyone look down there or go through any testing or anything that might be unpleasant or inconvenient. 


I’ve thought about nothing else since that night.  M. tends to be flip and/or clueless most of the time.  At least, that’s how I’ve chosen to view what he says about most things.  He’s always had to have his hand held or be forced into things like starting school, getting a drivers license, staying in the Army reserves to work toward his pension, etc.  It’s not so easy to ignore his protests this time.  The other times I stood behind him poking and prodding him because if I hadn’t we’d have already been divorced (my school money along with his school GI Bill and Army pay is what pays our bills and mine is much smaller than his…but the truth is if we’d been millionares I would still have wanted him to do those things). It’s not that he didn’t want the end result of these things; he just didn’t seem to want to step outside his comfort zone to get them.  Maybe what he thought he was saying that night was something like, “We’re fine with just us.”  But all I heard was, “You’re on your own; finish it yourself.” 


I DEFINITELY do not want to force him to have kids.  It’s not like I’ve dragged him kicking and screaming into trying for a baby.  He had told me many times of his fantasies of coming home to me and our little girl (both before and after we married).  He spoke of it nearly every time he called from Iraq.  He was thrilled to call his mother a couple of months after he came home and tell her we were trying.  That seems to be where his support ended.  As I have said many times, I had given up on the dream of having a child before M.  With my ex, I had been prepared to live childless (he emphatically didn’t want more children…he wanted to be selfish…his words not mine).  M. had made me willing to hope again.  This isn’t the first check M.’s given me that’s bounced (Infidelity).  Each time I’ve battled back and thought it all out and found a way to go on (I’ve put up with more than even my dearest loved ones know about including Ginger and Tina…I’ve been told so many times that I should leave him and Tina’s always the first to say that I’ve got a job with her…but I’ve stuck it out because I do believe in keeping my marriage together).  For better or worse, right?  But now… 


We talked this morning.  When I mentioned my ex and wanting to be with him even if it meant not having kids, M. admitted that he didn’t understand why I couldn’t go on in our marriage as it is.  Maybe I should.  Maybe it’s time to give up and take what’s there even if it’s not what I want it to be.  Maybe I need new eyes…mine are blurry anyhow…












Read Full Post »