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Archive for August 26th, 2008

  

I swear that the universe is just pushing my buttons these days.  In case you haven’t read the comments under the last Wordless Wednesday, my BFF GingerMagnolia’s sister is expecting after a very few months of trying (like 2 or 3…lucky duck!).  I am genuinely happy for her.  I swear!  But, at the same time, it feels like the universe is poking me with a stick while I twist on life’s rotisserie.  The feeling was increasingly poignant while I waited for M. Saturday.  Across the street from the armory there were a group of women who were obviously preparing for a baby shower.  Well, unless rattle and pacifier balloons have become the “it” décor for drunken whore-fests?  Nah, I didn’t think so.  All I could do was pray that M. would be done and we could leave before they started.  It was incident number nine of the past month (not counting today’s Dr. visit when the nurses spent a solid 10 minutes playing with a 2 yr old boy in front of Mom who watched in wonder with a soft smile on her face…gut wrenching…though not as much as Mom’s x-ray tech saying, “You’re not in any danger of being pregnant”…I’m sure that was supposed to be a question and not an accusation) in which pregnancy has been thrown my face in one form or another by the blasted universe, and I’m not talking “passing cute babies in Walmart” in your face.  Nope, the universe has been serving up extra special crap for me.

 

I’m not obsessed with baby making…much.  If you click that “the ultimate quest” category at the bottom, you’ll see that of my nearly 100 posts very few have to do with ttc (trying to concieve).  I’ve visited some blogs where that is nearly the only thing that’s talked about, and it makes me wonder if I haven’t focused enough…if maybe that’s why. 

 

I’ve always said, “When it’s time, it will happen.”  But more and more I’m ready for it to happen (not wanting or wishing or hoping, but I feel genuinely ready…despite our recent marital difficulties…nothing like a near end to make the two of you see what you really want).  For more than a month, I’ve had this niggling little feeling that something big is coming.  It’s not very strong, but it seems to be coming through clearer and clearer.  The last time I had this feeling it went on for months.  I thought it had to do with my book, but then I met M.  That feeling was almost overwhelming by then.  Now, it’s creeping back in. 

 

If that isn’t enough, I was walking Pascal the other day when it suddenly hit me that I’m 36.  36!!  I almost lost it for a second and then I got one of those divinely clear moments when I remembered that for many years when the subject of kids would come up a little voice would burst in on my thoughts saying, “36, 37” while a vision of a dark haired girl about 2 and an androgynous blond beauty would pop up (the baby boys in our family are very pretty and are often mistaken for girls).  Hope strikes again.

 

Am I ready?  I’ve built a bedroom for a baby bundle.  I’ve feng shui’d the master bedroom for a crucial conception (after our recent marital troubles, I moved a baby dress into our money zone…here’s hoping that I’ll have to spend lots and lots of money on baby clothes!).  I’ve changed our diet a dozen times.  We’ve taken tons of supplements and teas.  I’ve bought unprescribed fertility medications from Mexico.  I’ve stood on my head (ok, not really…but my ass was so high in the air an errant fart could have had a hot air balloon floating over the bed).  I’ve bought M. all new underoos.  I’ve had to be physically restrained to prevent me from buying entire layettes, and I won’t promise that I won’t be buying a crib soon (that’s for my “build it and they will come” theory…color selection alone has prevented me from picking up strollers).  M. and I have linked hands in prayer nightly before sleeping.  We’ve screwed every other day for months (that did lead to a new medical condition…over use is not a good thing for the ‘tang).  We’ve not had sex for days pre-O for even more months.  We’ve timed and tested and poked and prodded to no end.  If the universe needs any more proof of our devotion, well, then the universe is just a beyotch!

 

Uncle George’s death has made me feel very guilty about ttc, guilty about my semi-hidden obsession (here and at home it’s all out…but most people just see me smile and repeat that we’re working on it).  Some part of me just kept remembering the children from India who speak of being this person or that’s relative or neighbor before they were born.  More than once when I saw him, I thought of asking him to help when he got to the other side.  When I talked about all the ttc, he just laughed it off and said not to worry about it that it would come.  I remember him telling me something like that a long, long time ago.  He told me that there was somebody for everyone and I’d find somebody.  At the time I was over 500lbs. and had long since given up on having a life of my own much less a husband or children.  He was right.  As unlikely a match as M. and I are, we make it work more often than not.  We may not always be easy, but we are usually…gratifying, fulfilling.  That’s more than some people will ever get, and I know that all too well.  I feel guilty for asking for more miracles. 

 

It doesn’t look like it will happen this month at any rate.  Something has gone completely kerflumpt with my female bits.  My once clockwork ovulation has gone off the rails, and you can bet there’s guilt there too (I chose to screw it up with the Clomid after all).  I was getting slowly darkening OPK sticks as usual then suddenly nada.  One day a medium colored line and the next it was back to a pale line.  Just in case, M. and I did the deed.  But, it was 4-5 days before ovulation was supposed to occur.  Over ten days later, I’m getting nothing but pale lines.  Grrrr!!!  Naturally, I had only a few test strips and I hadn’t picked up any more because I should have had enough to “get by” this month.  UNIVERSE!!!!!  GO TO YOUR ROOM!!!!!  See…I can totally parent.

 

 

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