Archive for September 8th, 2008



I am so bored without M. here.  He’s been gone so long I actually MISS HIM!  Now, that’s a feat!  He didn’t call yesterday.  So, I finally called him at 10:30 last night.  He was peeing on some back street in New Orleans (I’m sure he’s not the first).  They’ve finally let him do some patrols.  I feel for you N.O. 


If we hear a big noise in the house in the middle of the night, he tells ME to go find out what it was.  I realize I’m far scarier than he is, but MAN UP!  I guess I’m old-fashioned in that way.  Ok, in most ways.  Anyone who thinks the women’s movement didn’t really change woman’s lot in life has never been married.  The changes have seeped into our national subconscious.  My favorite example of this: an ADT commercial where the husband hears a noise and goes downstairs to investigate when a masked robber breaks in the door…he races upstairs where the children join the husband and wife in bed…he’s cowering with the children in his arms and she’s calmly answering the ADT call to get the police. 


Then again, just when you think we’ve changed, you turn on TLC to discover Toddlers and Tiaras.  If you missed it, you should just start kicking yourself now!  In fact, self flagellation should be on your itinerary daily!  Just get out that cat o’ nine tails you hide under the bed and get with it.  It, like many pageant shows, is at once frightening and spellbinding.  I’m genuinely shocked that the chubby kid, Bella, won Supreme Queen of the Holy Sequins (or something to that effect).  Not that she isn’t a cute kid, but (ok this will sound really catty…you must see the show to appreciate it) the hideousness of the outfits, particularly the cut-down, imitation of a light blue Elvis cape she wore for the talent portion was downright scary.  I refuse to speak of that dark fuzzy blue sequined get up she had on; it looked like Barney had given birth.  Bella just wasn’t that good at it either.  I mean the disturbing kid who wanted to win $700 so she could get a cow was far more impressive in her pageant creepiness (I honestly believe that the judges just sit there and wait to see either who is more creepy or whose sequins blind them the most).  Did I mention that her fake teeth cost $700?  That’s not counting the cost of the spray tanning and the 3 pageant outfits with the requisite bows and sequins and lace.  Karlee, who will forever be that cow kid in my mind, could have had a herd of cows by now!  She could be the Donald Trump of cows by now!  Actually, it was hard to choose which was creepier: the flippers (fake teeth), the spray tans, the bouffant hair dos, or the mothers (last night I had a nightmare that Ginger was wearing a bouffant…obviously I shouldn’t do blow while watching TLC). 


I vote for the mothers.  The mother from Jackson, MS was the queen of these (right next to creepy cow girl’s mummy).  When her youngest pageant child, Aja (I’m pretty sure someone just mispronounced Asia when they named her…or maybe they don’t spell in Mississippi…lowest literacy rates in the country…I’m just sayin’), freaked out and began crying, the cameras thoughtfully (thanks camera guy with no sense of conscience or guilt) captured her berating her child by threatening to take away her jewelry, makeup and pretty dress and telling her that she wouldn’t be a Princess anymore.  OMG!  The therapy that child will need!  I don’t know if I can ever erase the look of sheer terror in Aja’s eyes as the poor child stumbled across the stage after her mother’s machinations.  It kind of makes those rumors that Shirley Temple’s mother made her smoke to keep her small a little more believable.  I’m pretty sure Aja’s mommy would have grabbed a rubber hose if she’d had room to pack one in the minivan full of sequins. 


That said the babies…ADORABLE!  Maybe there should be a rule that once your child can form full sentences, you can’t parade them like prize pigs…or prize cows (wuuu…giant creepy thought…what if Karlee just wants the cow so she can put bows on it and parade it around?  can you get flippers for cows? EEEEEKKK!  save the cows!)?


Ok, your turn!  Confess!  Do you secretly long to put fake teeth and bows on living creatures?  Are you planning to spray tan a cow?


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