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Archive for September 18th, 2008

Bedside Manners

I’m on day 4 of hell.  Seriously, are they making Tylenol Extra-Strength weaker now?  Because that could explain a lot of involuntary groaning when I least expect it.  Nighttime is my only relief.  Thanks to a whole Lortab.  That pansy-ass half a tablet business I usually do when I’m in severe pain just ain’t cuttin’ it this time (on a scale of 1-10 I’d give it an 8.5…when I was young I had ones that hit 10 to the point where I’d have to stay home with a towel and hot water bottle…but for the last 10 yrs or so it’s been normal painful cramps…I asked M. to go to town with Will yesterday because I was hurting to badly…he said, “Wuuu…you’re in pain” complete with wavy hand gestures and a nasty smirk…I have never wanted so badly to twist a man’s balls and shove them up to his tonsils).

 

Thanks to the pain, I’ve had sexy dreams every night.  Not a bad side effect I guess, but it’s weird to have Lortab turn severe cramping into sexy. 

 

The first night, I was at an odd resort built between a mountain and a river.  The river was trying to flood and was running fast.  I was 5 or 6 months pregnant and looked like crap (I was wearing the dumpy rags I wear to clean the house) when this very strapping, tanned, shirtless fellow wrapped his arms around me and declared that he must have me.  I protested because I looked like crap and was hugely knocked up, but he was very understanding and insistent.  That was one nice dream even without the bowchickabowow.

 

The second night, I was once again hugely pregnant but I looked better.  I was doing the standard “cowgirl” pose ala Katherine Heigl in Knocked Up (that’s the only part of the movie I’ve seen…Mom was watching it and I caught that scene…Mom loved the movie).  I was enjoying myself but as with the night before I needed assurance that this wasn’t a bad idea.

 

Last night was THE WORST dream though.  I know I’ve mentioned Mom’s GP before; I’m sure I did after her last doctor’s appointment.  Anyhow, long ago and for nearly a decade he was my GP.  I saw him regularly for years.  I don’t like him.  He’s just the best choice one had at the time there in Leesville.  One reason I never liked going there is because he has a horrible b**ch head nurse.  Really, she’s awful.  Their staff changes every 3 months because of her, and we used to wonder why he would keep her.  He MUST lose patients over her crap because we’ve almost quit him several times because of her.  Then one day she brought in a pic of her daughter and was showing it off.  Tina said that kid looked SOOOO much like him it was amazing!  Shortly after, the pic disappeared…mystery solved, I say.  Then at Mom’s last appointment, he and a new nurse appeared out of an empty exam room both were smiling and adjusting their clothes.  They separated as quickly as possible, but seriously…c’mon…hello…OBVIOUS!  I’m guessing she’ll be around for a while as long as she doesn’t make any waves with his baby mama nurse or his wife.  I hope she has a diaphragm because he and his wife have 4 kids too.  He’s obviously potent.  But, I digress.

 

Last night, I dreamed that several of the women in my life and I went to Shreveport for shopping.  For some reason we were staying at his house there (I doubt he has one…but dream land can make anything happen).  And, he started putting the lusty eye moves on me and the haphazard accidental brush of body on body.  Can I get a collective “Eeeeewwww!”?  Unfortunately, in the dream I was all over this even sending everyone else off to shop without me (that’s how you know it must be a nightmare).  Fortunately, I woke myself up just as he moved closer to the sofa and brushed his fingers against mine.  Now, I’ve got the heebie jeebies!

 

When was your last creepy sex dream?

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