Archive for September 19th, 2008

I have a wicked case of Schadenfreude going on this morning.  You’ve got to love karma sometimes.


For those of you who don’t know, I’ll give you the short version of my story with Joe.  Joe is was the love of my life and my soulmate.  Ours was a tempestuous, senseless affair (literally I had no sense left when he was around).  He was in a loveless marriage, but I didn’t find that out until I was in too deep (don’t bother to berate me because I already did that…for years…you never think you’re that person until you’re in that position).  When we met, his wife was out of the picture and wouldn’t even come to see their son.  I openly called and visited his home.  He spent days and whole weekends at my home.  There was no reason to doubt him.  That changed ever so subtly over time, and I made a personal decision to give him time to end their marriage even though it was killing me.  Once he had passed that deadline (I hadn’t told him he had a deadline btw), I hung on a little longer.  It wasn’t just me that was deeply caught up in this.  He was too.  Where I was scared and grateful to have found this person I had been looking for, he was terrified and tried everything he could to put up barriers and push me away.  When we were together time stopped and all was right with the world.  But, by the time he drove 20 minutes to his home, he’d tell me he was going to meet someone else.   Yeah, it was sick and twisted.  It was the most anguished time of my life.  Infertility has nothing on it.  Eventually, I stopped it because I could no longer look myself in the eye, and it almost tore me apart.  I spent months blocking him mentally because I could feel him reaching out for me (in case you haven’t guessed, I tend toward the spiritual, New Age-y side of things…I believe in past lives and this isn’t the first trip Joe and I’ve taken…I’m also relatively experienced at astral travel and I spent time with M. in Iraq and could tell him who he talked to and what happened each day…freaked him the hell out  lol).  I saw Joe a while back and I was happy to learn that much of his hold on me has gone.  I no longer swoon at his mere presence, thankfully.


My hold on Joe is another story entirely.  You see, once you’ve had that miracle, Hollywood movie kind of love, it’s never really over.  Never.  Joe found out about my marriage not long after M. went to Iraq.  It’s probably the best thing that ever happened to M.  When a man is far away in a life and death situation, it’s pretty hard to cheat on him unless you’re completely bereft of a conscience.  It was a test and I passed it.  I had developed Joe-immunity.  Like any good Hollywood movie, Joe realized what an idiot he had been and what he had lost…too little, too late.  All Joe has left is the hope that M. will screw up enough to send me running back to him.  To that end, every now and again I get an email from Joe.  Almost any excuse will do: Christmas, a birthday, a season, a hurricane.  Yep, Joe used the recent hurricanes as an excuse to email me.  I always respond with a curt sentence or two keeping it very formal, and usually it ends at that.  For some reason, it didn’t this time.  Joe wrote again telling me all about his recent life.  Enter the Schadenfreude!


Joe’s life over the last year or so has been a disaster.  He moved to Texas and changed jobs because for years a female friend of his had been trying to get him to come there (I learned the hard way that Joe’s female friends are actually ex-lovers for the most part…he makes their friendship legitimate by working his guts out for them instead of just admitting to himself that it was all about the nooky…I’m pretty sure that I’m the first and only woman who never took anything from him or used him in any way…lucky me).  Once he got to Texas, he moved in with her and within 3 weeks she met a guy online and got married sending him packing (what I am for pregnancy, he is for marriage). 


Joe always lands on his feet though, and this time he landed on a young white woman with an inter-racial child.  He did for her what he had wanted to do for me.  He began divorce proceedings against his wife (just before I met M., Joe moved out to live on his own hoping it would be enough to convince me he had changed…it didn’t).  Unfortunately, she didn’t get along with his son and basically, Joe had to choose between his child and her (the only good thing about Joe is that he has always tried to put his son first).  So, Joe moved out again and was back in Louisiana but still working 50 miles away in Texas.  This girl must have put it all on him too because he went looking for her a while back wanting to know if they were still on or not (entirely out of character for the Joe I knew…he always pretended not to care and was downright haughty).  Her family apparently loved that she had been dating him, and then he found out why.  He was the first white man she had ever dated.  In the end, she ditched her own child and moved 300 miles away.  Joe was devastated, and if I know him, he’s doing his best to build a denial wall about a mile wide.  I had always hoped that some of the truths I had held up to him would sink in, but I guess he had to learn the hard way.  The same way I had to learn them.


Then the icing on the cake…Joe’s soon to be ex-wife has “come out” and is now living with her girlfriend openly.  That’s right.  He turned her.  LOL 


I know I shouldn’t take such pleasure in his misery, but for all the days and nights of tears and incredible highs and devastating lows, I sadly DO find some pleasure in knowing that without me he is MISERABLE.  The pain I have felt in this last year of trying to get pregnant and the misery Clomid has made my life are nothing compared to watching him leave the day I called it all off.  Everything in me screamed for him to turn around and wake up.  I couldn’t believe that he could give “once in a lifetime” up so easily when it was all I could do not to curl up in a ball and die right there.  Yes, I feel guilty for enjoying this, and I don’t really want him to be in pain.  But, I definitely see the finger of Karma in all this. 


Am I a Drama Queen or what?  C’mon, make me feel better by admitting to your own Schadenfreude!



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