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Archive for March 5th, 2009

I’ve been fighting a small bout of depression for the last couple of weeks.  Life isn’t bad right now especially, and I know that consciously.  But every time I turn around something happens to emphasize the vast black and white areas of my life.  The latest has two words:  “eminent domain“. 

 

After work and blogging Tuesday, life just got better when I headed home to hear those two words.  😦  In the last few days, there has been a community ruckus.  A local newspaper article has one of the General’s at Fort Polk talking about how much Polk brings into the local economy.  Then he segued into:  Oh by the way, we’d like to expand from the bombing range to Hwy. 28, but we’ll buy ya’ll out; this won’t be like when Polk was built in 1941; read my lips, “no eminent domain”.  What’s that bumper sticker say?  Sure, you can trust the government; just ask an Indian.  There’s talk that one guy already sold out his place.  The locals are up in arms and for good reason.  Most of them live on family property owned by generation after generation.  I truly feel for them.  I can’t blame them one bit for being up in arms.  Some of them have second and third mortgages, and they’ll be lucky if they break even.  There won’t be a fresh start for them.  For others, like my family, our little rattle trap places are crappy and free of mortgages, and we’ll probably come out ahead on the deal.  When we built Mom’s place about 30yrs. ago, the land cost us about $300 (a steal even then because the old man who owned the place took a shine to Dad…we helped out taking care of old Mr. Monk off and on until he died) and we logged and sawed the lumber ourselves.  We built it with our own hands.  Altogether, we probably don’t have $15,000 in the place.  The rumor is that the going rate will be 50% over the appraised value.  At that rate, we’d do ok, and provided we found the right place to move to, we might even flourish.  It’s a fresh start for my family, and I’m happy for them.  But, I’m sad too. 

 

I know that this is by no means a certainty.  Sure, the local store has up the map showing where the lines have been drawn, but it doesn’t mean it’s a certainty.  I keep looking at everything in bloom: the jessamine in the pines, the purple redbuds, the rows of daffodils going wild, the wild plum tree out behind the old chicken coup which I painted and stenciled myself.  For 30 years, this place has been home.  We’ve always prided ourselves on not having a mortgage.  WE own this place, not the bank.  No one but us has any right to it.  The rest of my family is excited.  Paladin is excited (he’s dying for me to live out at our place full time instead of this back and forth).  I’m not.  I haven’t been feeling excited about life in general for the last couple of weeks.  I’ve been feeling like I’m wading through waist high water because of all the constant moving.  I’ve been pushed and pulled this way and that by obligations that I took upon myself.  This damned cold or plague or whatever it is isn’t making things better.  I should be happier now that I’m only hacking half the night and hey, I can talk above a whisper now.  Life isn’t better right now though.  But that’s just the way life is, right?  Sometimes, it’s not that your head hurts; it’s that your life hurts.

 

As always, I’m trying to see the sunny side.  Paladin.  I love him more deeply every single day.  When he heard about the land deal, his first reaction was, “There’s plenty of room here for a double wide for the family.”  His second reaction was, “Well if they want to move somewhere else, we can always sell out and follow them.”  There is a quiet joy deep down inside me every time I see his face.  Tuesday I had his car at work and I went back to Fort Polk to pick him up only for him to turn around and drive me back to Mom’s.  It’s a 2 hour trip after he’d worked all day long and he was exhausted.  When we got to Mom’s I made a pot of coffee and made sure he downed most of the pot.  His brain tumor left him with seizures and driving at night isn’t a great idea (he swears its fine, but I worry).  I always remind him to call me when he gets home; so I know he got there ok.  He forgot to call that night.  I called him at bedtime.  I knew, he was ok, but I wanted to check.  He was so angry with himself.  I told him it’s was ok.  He said to me, “It’s not ok; when you love someone you don’t leave them wondering.”  I almost cried.  He shows me everyday how much he appreciates me whether it’s a small supermarket bouquet every Friday or a greeting card every time he passes one that makes him think of me.  Sometimes, when you strip everything away, life can be easy and simple.

 

Everything around me is changing in ways I hadn’t ever imagined.  Marriage is hard enough to get used to.  The first time around I wasn’t sure I could take it.  There have been times lately when I wasn’t sure I could take it a second time.  Then I turn around and I’m at Girl’s Night and we’re talking about kids.  Clara perkily says to me, “You wanted kids and now you have FIVE!” in her Columbian accent.  I couldn’t help but laugh…well…whisper/laugh.  Change isn’t so bad right? 

 

Some of it is sucking right now.  Ok, it’s sucking more than I ever imagined.  The last couple of nights I’m not sleeping and my thoughts are constantly on the events of this week.  I’m ranging between aggravated, angry, and just plain sad.  Maybe the moon is in Mars and causing all sorts of havoc?  Yeah, just blame it on astrology; it’s as good a reason as any.  I feel like one giant raw nerve right now.  The good just ain’t outweighing the sad.

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