Archive for March 24th, 2009

Mull gave birth last Thursday.  We got a call from Bell right after school because they got home to find a friend from church there while Mull was off at the hospital (I’m really surprised that she wouldn’t at least text Bell at school to give her a heads up…she does it all the time for other stuff…but that’s Mull…just considerate as all get out).  A couple of hours later, we were heading into the WORST Chinese place around (avoid the Super Chinese Buffet in Deridder at all cost…it’s not a doughnut if it’s a canned biscuit you deep fried but at least put something other than salt and granulated sugar on it…and for god’s sake, cook some of the danged vegetables!  they don’t have to be mush, just edible!), and Paladin got a call.  It was Mull.  She had finished giving birth and we both congratulated her.  Then she dropped a bombshell.  She sent the kids off with some friends INSTEAD of letting us pick them up for our regular weekend.  I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it pissed me the hell off IMMEDIATELY.  Naudia’s birthday party was Friday night and Rachel had specially made up treat bags for the kids.  Everybody has been wanting to meet them and asking about them.  Then Mull just decides to do whatever the hell she wants without asking.  And this was after our last weekend when Mull asked us to keep them if she went into labor!!!  WTH?  One week we’re her go-to guys and the next we can’t be trusted even though we were supposed to have them anyway?


It hit my “second class citizen with no say-so” button HARD.  Paladin just said to her, “Ok, but we need to have better communication next time” which was the same thing he said to her the last damned time she pulled something like this.  That too pissed me off and we ended up fighting through dinner to the point that I got up and walked off at one point.  I always end up feeling sorry for it though because, although he gets pissy right back at me, he also immediately thinks I’m going to leave him.  That pisses me off a bit too.  How big of a hatchet job did Mull pull to make him think every tiff means that I’m leaving him?  It tugs at my heart strings every time and then I have to remind him that just because we have a fight doesn’t mean that I’m leaving.  Apparently, Mull didn’t fight so much as do a “my way or I hit the highway” sort of thing.  You can’t really blame a guy for being gun-shy when the woman he’s married to runs off while he’s lying in a hospital dying.  That gives him a pretty good “get out of jail free” card.  What really pissed me off was that he didn’t even argue with her about it and he was just like, “Well, she said we could have the kids for the next two weekends instead.”  We didn’t have plans for them next weekend, dammit!  And she sure as hell didn’t let him have them on a different weekend a while back when he was in the hospital in San Antonio recovering from surgery.  No, she just told him “tough luck” and he didn’t get to see his kids for 3 weeks.  It aggravates the crap out of me that she gets everything however the hell she wants it.  And there we have the crux of what was REALLY bothering me.


I didn’t realize it until later that night when I was crying at 1am, but it wasn’t so much that Mull had screwed up our weekend (although that does tick me off no end).  I’ve been having a hard time for a couple of months now, and I realized that at least part of it was that I’m front and center for the Mull Show.  Here is a woman who I wouldn’t let babysit a gerbil and she gets knocked up at the drop of a hat.  Here is a woman that was dating 2 different men (and had them around her small children) within 2 weeks WHILE she was 6 months pregnant, and yet, who gets to have great, sweet kids and a man like Paladin who overpays her and begs to take care of his kids (he found out a few weeks ago that he’s been overpaying her child support by $600 each month because of a glitch)?  WHY?  I know, life isn’t fair.  But, does the Universe have to keep kicking me in the f**king teeth over it?  I mean, I’m down already… leave my ribcage intact just for the hell of it if nothing else.  Obviously, I’m not TTCing (trying to concieve for those not in the infertility loop) what with Paladin’s hacked up equipment and I can’t blame him for that.  But, he has the same attitude that most people have when it comes to this:  “There’s plenty of time; 50yr old women are having kids these days!”  In a few months, I will be 37yrs old, and I know all too well that is a crock of bull.  Every single month is another lost shot with the odds getting worse each time, and because we’ll be doing artificial insemination, we won’t get unlimited tries. 


Yes, I admit it.  I’m jealous of Mull.  I’m jealous of every single woman walking around that gets knocked up at the drop of a hat while I seem to have a macabre ability to pick out and fall for the guy that can’t reproduce.  I know… I knew Paladin’s situation going in and I chose to be here.  I have absolutely no right to feel hurt or lost or unhappy.  He doesn’t feel the urgency.  He doesn’t have to.  He has 5 children to call his own.  I have nothing but a ring on my finger and a promise of a possible future.  I’m so tired of possible futures.  Right now, it’s even worse because I can’t do anything about it.  We have to wait until after the wedding for the insurance to kick-in before we can start TTCing.  I’m guessing that even then because of the logistics it will be a couple of months before we can try.  It’s not even like with M. where I could still hope that a single sperm might come to life and accidentally make it through.  There really is no hope.  There’s just hope for future hope. 


Hope has sadly become synonymous with Torture for me. 


By Saturday evening something amazing happened though.  The black cloud I’ve been stumbling through for weeks started to lift.  Maybe it’s because I really am finally getting into a rhythm with the dual-households thing or maybe it’s because I should get a couple of months without Mull being knocked up (I give it 6 months…tops) but I felt better.  By Sunday, I was LITERALLY HAPPY.  I smiled the whole damned day and did a whole lot of mushy kissy face stuff with Paladin while we worked (I think he was in shock for a while there…I may be the crazy chick but hey, what I feel, I show…good and bad).  I’ve nearly finished the living room and I have pics!  Unfortunately, I can’t get to my computer yet; so, you probably won’t get to see them until this afternoon or tomorrow.  I also painted the tiny bathroom enclosure in the old master bedroom an OUTRAGEOUS color!  I should finish it and get picks of it up next week.  Let’s just say…Blondie wanted pink?  She got it!  🙂  I’m actually happy and have been for several days now.  Whew…finally…


Anybody else finally feeling happy?


P.S.- Oh and about the title…  Mull was supposed to have a boy.  We were shocked to hear that she had a GIRL!  I can imagine how the adopting parents must be scrambling!  And, yeah, I’m so happy these past couple of days that the thought actually makes me smile.  😀


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