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Archive for June 24th, 2009

Are the Go-Go’s playing in your head too?

If I had written this post last night or early this morning it would sound something like this:  AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Fortunately, I’ve come to grips with what happened yesterday.  Well, I’ve pulled my head out of the oven anyhow.  Here’s a quick run down of what the first 10 minutes at the lawyers sounded like:

Lawyer- What’s going on?

Us- Indy…rash…infection…fake choking…

Lawyer- Why aren’t we asking for full custody???  Why hasn’t CPS been called???

Us- Uuuhhh…we were taking what we thought we could get, and we don’t know if the doctor called in CPS or not (base docs let crap slide a lot and I wasn’t at the ER to ride the guy about it). 

We found out that the copy of the original agreement that we got from the lawyer back in January wasn’t a full copy.  According to the agreement, we should have been getting the kids every other week beginning in June.  So now we don’t know why Mull was all, “When are you taking them for 2 weeks?”  Is she just sick of them or was she trying to put some points in her corner or is she just worried that she won’t get paid if we keep them half-time or did she forget that we were supposed to have them too?  I’m always saying that Paladin doesn’t give Mull enough credit for being sneaky, but he swears that she’s disorganized and not too on the ball to boot.  Time will tell especially since we just found out from Sanjaya2 this afternoon that she starts her paid training at the nursing home next week and that she made Bell come to work with her there last Friday leaving the kids with blind Jeremy.  When the lawyer heard that she might be going to work, he was practically salivating, although he didn’t really say why.  He did look like the cat that caught the canary pretty much the entire time and he didn’t even let me get more than 3 sentences out about the state of the children.  It literally was “Indy…rash…infection…Bell wanting out desperately and taking care of the kids 90% of the time.”  It was two hours of strategy and the lawyer pontificating while we were sitting there going, “We get it; let’s do something about it.”

The lawyer’s game plan is this:  Get divorced.  Get married.  One month later, sneak up and bite Mull in the ass with the property settlement.  Keep the kids like they’re a bag of weed and we’re Rastafarians through September.  Then show up at court with all our evidence and go, “Hells nah!  Gimme dem kids!” 

I took it hard.  Really hard.  I completely freaked.  I don’t completely freak too often but I did this time.  Paladin got paid a grand total of $1400 last month and $1100 plus a $200 car note went to Mull.  Does that give you an idea of how hard up things have been here?  We had a little savings and once-empty credit cards and we’ve been making do.  Then I turn around and hear: You need to feed and shelter 5 kids for the next month (if Mull lets us have them the entire time…we’re going to go in stages and play the “we didn’t have them in June the way were supposed to; why don’t we just keep them a little longer” card).  Yeah, I completely freaked.  I admit it.  I didn’t know how we’d do it.  I was stressed already and worn to the bone with Mom.  Now, here I am taking this head on.  Yes, I know it’s what we’ve been hoping for.  The difference is that we weren’t expecting it until after Mull had to give up some of that cash.  It’s damned hard to feed 5 kids under any circumstances and at this rate, she’s actually going to be getting about half of his income and the mortgage takes up nearly the entire other half.  Of course, at the same time I realize that this is temporary and if we can get through the next 3 or 4 months, we might actually get the kids MORE than half time. 

For now, though, I’m being pouty.  I’ve already warned Paladin and freaked him out over it.  If this legal bill gets big enough (and it probably will), it may mean losing the Extravaganza altogether and losing our chance to try to have a child.  I couldn’t help but cry over that.  I told him the truth.  If that happens, I’m just not so big a person that I won’t feel the tiniest twinge of resentment.  In my mind, I would literally be giving up my children for his.  It’s wrong of me to feel that way.  I know that.  I know its unfair of me.  But, I just can’t help it.  As much as I love him and as much as I love these kids, I still want something of me. 

I don’t care if Mull does fall off the side of the Grand Canyon tomorrow; she will always be their mother.  I don’t get that role.  I don’t get the satisfaction of standing up and saying, “That’s my girl/boy” when they graduate or get married.  They won’t be giving birth to my grandchildren.  All I get to do is sacrifice and work and try to make life better for them.  All the thanks I will probably ever get is the karmic satisfaction of knowing I did all I could for them, their smiles and good night kisses.  I feel like an absolute ASS, but yeah, I’d still feel that I’d lost out on something if I don’t at least try to have one of my own.  It won’t ever stop me from being there, but there would be this same hole inside that I’ve been living with for the last 3 1/2 years. 

Let me tell ya.  If you want to scare the crap out of a man that you’re practically married to, that’s a damned fine way to do it.  Paladin always goes to the “you’re leaving me?” place.  Heck, this time even Tina went there.  NO!  I’m not going anywhere.  I’m just telling you how I feel.  He  hadn’t thought of it that way, and he tried to understand.  He also didn’t know about what happened with Mom in the last post.  It came out of left field for him, and I was sorry about that.  But, I’ve been living my life one day at a time for so long now that I’ve just been desperate for down time and for something that’s about me and not about how to avert the latest crisis. 

Today, I spent all day trying to put a game plan together.  Turns out, I AM a Duggar!  Thank the lord!  I now have chore lists and menu plans at the ready.  I just have to figure out some things for these kids to do that won’t cost anything and will keep me from strangling them!  Oh, who am I kidding?  I don’t care if I strangle them as long as its cheap.  Ha!  And, by this afternoon, I was worried less about how to take care of the kids and had enough time to be sad about losing the 2 pieces of our puzzle that have been keeping me going. 

Paladin insists that we’ll make both our baby and our wedding happen.  It didn’t excite me one bit.  His actual words were, “We can do something (for the wedding).”  Yay.  I know exactly what that means.  It’s the same thing I did last time.  Scrape and dig and crawl for something that’s “ok”, but don’t ask for special.  My face told him how I felt.  Then he said, “GET excited.  Dammit!”  At least, it made me smile for a minute. 

Just before Mom fell, Tina gave me some wedding magazines.  I had ripped out a few pages of ideas and had them on my nightstand.  Last night, I couldn’t help but be a total drama queen.  I didn’t even want to see them.  I’m still having a wedding, but as of right now, it’s more for Savvy than for me.  Savvy has her heart set on being a flower girl and has explained to me exactly how it must be done.  Paladin wants it too.  As for me, I want to pout and throw a hissy fit and knock the wedding cake onto the floor.  That’s not going to happen though.  I’m just going to chug along and hope that the creative desire will overcome the destitution desperation.  I’ll be a recessionista bride, right!  Woot??  Meh…

Frankly, I’m a little sick of coming in last but getting Miss Congeniality.  Nobody ever remembers Miss Congeniality.  They see her smile and then she just fades away.  Sometimes I feel like I took an invisibility potion.  I swear I look down and I’m staring right through my hands.  I know.  Welcome to motherhood.  Where’s my badge and taser?

If you’ve got ideas to keep the kids off the streets, send them my way!  Mind you, I refuse to spend half my life cleaning up craft projects that they aren’t going to care less about a week later, but if it’s cheap or free, I want to hear it!  I’ve already looked at the library and all they’ve got is one bug expo and a Wednesday story hour.  😦

P.S.- Mom is coming home in the morning!  Thanks again for all your prayers.  🙂

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