Are the Go-Go’s playing in your head too?
If I had written this post last night or early this morning it would sound something like this: AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Fortunately, I’ve come to grips with what happened yesterday. Well, I’ve pulled my head out of the oven anyhow. Here’s a quick run down of what the first 10 minutes at the lawyers sounded like:
Lawyer- What’s going on?
Us- Indy…rash…infection…fake choking…
Lawyer- Why aren’t we asking for full custody??? Why hasn’t CPS been called???
Us- Uuuhhh…we were taking what we thought we could get, and we don’t know if the doctor called in CPS or not (base docs let crap slide a lot and I wasn’t at the ER to ride the guy about it).
We found out that the copy of the original agreement that we got from the lawyer back in January wasn’t a full copy. According to the agreement, we should have been getting the kids every other week beginning in June. So now we don’t know why Mull was all, “When are you taking them for 2 weeks?” Is she just sick of them or was she trying to put some points in her corner or is she just worried that she won’t get paid if we keep them half-time or did she forget that we were supposed to have them too? I’m always saying that Paladin doesn’t give Mull enough credit for being sneaky, but he swears that she’s disorganized and not too on the ball to boot. Time will tell especially since we just found out from Sanjaya2 this afternoon that she starts her paid training at the nursing home next week and that she made Bell come to work with her there last Friday leaving the kids with blind Jeremy. When the lawyer heard that she might be going to work, he was practically salivating, although he didn’t really say why. He did look like the cat that caught the canary pretty much the entire time and he didn’t even let me get more than 3 sentences out about the state of the children. It literally was “Indy…rash…infection…Bell wanting out desperately and taking care of the kids 90% of the time.” It was two hours of strategy and the lawyer pontificating while we were sitting there going, “We get it; let’s do something about it.”
The lawyer’s game plan is this: Get divorced. Get married. One month later, sneak up and bite Mull in the ass with the property settlement. Keep the kids like they’re a bag of weed and we’re Rastafarians through September. Then show up at court with all our evidence and go, “Hells nah! Gimme dem kids!”
I took it hard. Really hard. I completely freaked. I don’t completely freak too often but I did this time. Paladin got paid a grand total of $1400 last month and $1100 plus a $200 car note went to Mull. Does that give you an idea of how hard up things have been here? We had a little savings and once-empty credit cards and we’ve been making do. Then I turn around and hear: You need to feed and shelter 5 kids for the next month (if Mull lets us have them the entire time…we’re going to go in stages and play the “we didn’t have them in June the way were supposed to; why don’t we just keep them a little longer” card). Yeah, I completely freaked. I admit it. I didn’t know how we’d do it. I was stressed already and worn to the bone with Mom. Now, here I am taking this head on. Yes, I know it’s what we’ve been hoping for. The difference is that we weren’t expecting it until after Mull had to give up some of that cash. It’s damned hard to feed 5 kids under any circumstances and at this rate, she’s actually going to be getting about half of his income and the mortgage takes up nearly the entire other half. Of course, at the same time I realize that this is temporary and if we can get through the next 3 or 4 months, we might actually get the kids MORE than half time.
For now, though, I’m being pouty. I’ve already warned Paladin and freaked him out over it. If this legal bill gets big enough (and it probably will), it may mean losing the Extravaganza altogether and losing our chance to try to have a child. I couldn’t help but cry over that. I told him the truth. If that happens, I’m just not so big a person that I won’t feel the tiniest twinge of resentment. In my mind, I would literally be giving up my children for his. It’s wrong of me to feel that way. I know that. I know its unfair of me. But, I just can’t help it. As much as I love him and as much as I love these kids, I still want something of me.
I don’t care if Mull does fall off the side of the Grand Canyon tomorrow; she will always be their mother. I don’t get that role. I don’t get the satisfaction of standing up and saying, “That’s my girl/boy” when they graduate or get married. They won’t be giving birth to my grandchildren. All I get to do is sacrifice and work and try to make life better for them. All the thanks I will probably ever get is the karmic satisfaction of knowing I did all I could for them, their smiles and good night kisses. I feel like an absolute ASS, but yeah, I’d still feel that I’d lost out on something if I don’t at least try to have one of my own. It won’t ever stop me from being there, but there would be this same hole inside that I’ve been living with for the last 3 1/2 years.
Let me tell ya. If you want to scare the crap out of a man that you’re practically married to, that’s a damned fine way to do it. Paladin always goes to the “you’re leaving me?” place. Heck, this time even Tina went there. NO! I’m not going anywhere. I’m just telling you how I feel. He hadn’t thought of it that way, and he tried to understand. He also didn’t know about what happened with Mom in the last post. It came out of left field for him, and I was sorry about that. But, I’ve been living my life one day at a time for so long now that I’ve just been desperate for down time and for something that’s about me and not about how to avert the latest crisis.
Today, I spent all day trying to put a game plan together. Turns out, I AM a Duggar! Thank the lord! I now have chore lists and menu plans at the ready. I just have to figure out some things for these kids to do that won’t cost anything and will keep me from strangling them! Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t care if I strangle them as long as its cheap. Ha! And, by this afternoon, I was worried less about how to take care of the kids and had enough time to be sad about losing the 2 pieces of our puzzle that have been keeping me going.
Paladin insists that we’ll make both our baby and our wedding happen. It didn’t excite me one bit. His actual words were, “We can do something (for the wedding).” Yay. I know exactly what that means. It’s the same thing I did last time. Scrape and dig and crawl for something that’s “ok”, but don’t ask for special. My face told him how I felt. Then he said, “GET excited. Dammit!” At least, it made me smile for a minute.
Just before Mom fell, Tina gave me some wedding magazines. I had ripped out a few pages of ideas and had them on my nightstand. Last night, I couldn’t help but be a total drama queen. I didn’t even want to see them. I’m still having a wedding, but as of right now, it’s more for Savvy than for me. Savvy has her heart set on being a flower girl and has explained to me exactly how it must be done. Paladin wants it too. As for me, I want to pout and throw a hissy fit and knock the wedding cake onto the floor. That’s not going to happen though. I’m just going to chug along and hope that the creative desire will overcome the destitution desperation. I’ll be a recessionista bride, right! Woot?? Meh…
Frankly, I’m a little sick of coming in last but getting Miss Congeniality. Nobody ever remembers Miss Congeniality. They see her smile and then she just fades away. Sometimes I feel like I took an invisibility potion. I swear I look down and I’m staring right through my hands. I know. Welcome to motherhood. Where’s my badge and taser?
If you’ve got ideas to keep the kids off the streets, send them my way! Mind you, I refuse to spend half my life cleaning up craft projects that they aren’t going to care less about a week later, but if it’s cheap or free, I want to hear it! I’ve already looked at the library and all they’ve got is one bug expo and a Wednesday story hour. 😦
P.S.- Mom is coming home in the morning! Thanks again for all your prayers. 🙂
Anna, I am so sorry that things have turned out this way. I will be praying for everyone concerned.
I remembered reading on your blog about you using Feng Shui, are you using it at this new house? If you aren’t, I think you should, especially in the money areas.
I for one think you are super crafty by what I have read and I think that you can do an amazing wedding, have what you want, and still be frugal.
I think after you have time to process all the crap that has been going on in the last week you will be able to see it more clearly.
As for everything else, sometimes you gotta look out for yourself too or you get lost. If you have a dream then don’t ever give that up for someone else you might just have to work a little harder to make it happen. You can do it.
Heather- I haven’t feng shui’d here yet and I need to. But, I have been putting up some money related items in areas that “feel” like they need it. After so many years of doing feng shui, I’ve gotten to where I can almost tell when an area needs something. lol
Marie- I am feeling better about it today and here’s why:
UPDATE- I tried to get online and talk to ya’ll last night. Some of you should have gotten comments, but the vast majority of you didn’t because my internet went out. It’s done that a few times now. Twice during phone conversations and now that I’ve got a phone through the internet that is particularly annoying! 😦
I may be back to chat later tonight, but for now, things are happening and I’ll be out of the house the rest of the day. I’ll be back this evening if we decide to see Mom tomorrow, but I’m not sure if I can wait to see her.
Byes!
Oh, Honey. I totally understand the wanting your own child. I think it is perfectly understandable. It does not make you selfish. It makes you human. Hang in there, Sweetie. Have faith that things WILL work out.
I am thinking of you. Hit me up on FB if you need to chat! Big hugs from IL!
Hang in there, Honey. Yipes.
It’s normal to feel cheated. I’ve been there before and the feeling sucks! I hope you can find a way to include yourself in all these changes, it IS important.
Good luck, hon!
*HUGS*
I think you have every right to feel the way you do – it’s normal!! Besides, ya just can’t help the way you feel!
Sending you lots of ((((((hugs!!!)))))
So happy to hear about your mom!
Aw man, when it rains it pours, huh? Don’t give up your dream, it may just take a little longer. Can the lawyer not get the child support reduced since his income has decreased? Can he also not get a temporary hearing on the child support issue? You guys have nothing left to live on. That’s not right. While I do believe in child support, I don’t believe in robbing and taking advantage.
You’d be surprised how much you could mean to those kids. My stepfather is my real dad to me. My kids are his grandkids. Love is more important than genetics.
at least you can take comfort in your mom doing alittle better…
((hugs))
{{HUGS}} I know this isn’t going to help any, but if you do a small ceremony for the rush you can always make him swear to go over the top and renew your vows at another ceremony when things calm down. Just a thought… Glad your mom is doing better!!
I take my kids to the mall before it opens; it’s free – it’s cool air – and they have a play area. 🙂 sometimes we will have a snack before we leave (usually right before the stores in the mall open). It works for me…..
BTW – the main reason they like it (and me too) is that they can run b/c it’s virtually empty! Gets the energy out…
Well, I hope you’re feeling a bit better by now. It is normal to feel cheated when shitstorms keep on coming and you’re the clean-up crew, but I think you’re the type who will find a creative way to have what you want.
Hang in there, girl!
I babysit my niece and in the summer when school is out, I also babysit her older sister, so I had to come up with some ideas for free/cheap stuff to do with them. They love the library and ours even has puppets, etc, and usually some kind of reading program with free prizes, story time, etc. We also have a free conservatory. Check your local newspaper (or online) for free museums, etc in your area. We’ve also planted seeds, and done some baking like cookies and rice krispy treats, but you could also do things that need to be decorated like cupcakes. That way it’s a fun activity, but you also get to eat it. Another thing we’ve done is save empty food containers to play grocery store. For weeks, we saved any food packaging that would keep it’s shape like a box, or plastic container, egg crate, etc (not cans or jars, only light weight items) and I glued them back shut. We play grocery store and use money I found at the dollar store. You could probably find some to print out, and let them color it as well for another activity. The girls also like to just play with the boxes, stack them up and so on. And of course, a few jump ropes, some sidewalk chalk etc from the dollar store and they can play outside whenever the weather is nice. As for food, shoot, we ate a lot of pasta, rice and beans, and never complained. Eggs are a good cheap source of protein also, I’m not sure what you do as far as meat for them, since you don’t eat it yourself.
I definitely think you all should try to get that child support modified. That’s a ridiculous amount that he has to pay her, and only get to keep a few hundred to LIVE ON?? WTF? Is he supposed to give her every dime and be homeless? That’s insane. Especially when she’s not even using it to take good care of the kids.
Planting a garden is something that is cheap, and kids love it. They like to watch what they are growing. I do not have a green thumb, but I can tell you that my preschool kids loved it. Also, give them chores to do everyday. It will keep them busy, and help you out. Playgrounds will be your best friend this summer! 🙂
Wow theres so much going on good luck to you with all of this
Hope all is well with you and yours.
Just checking in to make sure things are ok. We haven’t heard from you in while.