It was her stolen idea, and now, I’ve stolen it. Just a bunch of lazy thieves around this place, I tell ya! I have two great reasons: I have extra time for a short post. And, I do have a few things on my chest. I usually just spit it out, but I’m really good at hiding things from the people I’m in a relationship with and those I love. I’m not sure if its a byproduct of being a woman or of being a fat woman. It sometimes seems like those of us in the dreaded “fat” club (and I’ve known skinny girls in it too) just don’t always feel able to speak up to those we love or those we want to love us. So here goes…
Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Certain People- (I’m not going to bother with the disclaimer. Feel free to guess the person in question. It will be like a game show!)
- I faked it every…single…time.
- I was told it was an olive branch. I just want to stick it up your whooha and make tapenade!
- I almost cried when I realized that I had a grandpa again. You’re one of the few reasons that I’m sorry its over.
- You’re a teenager. I don’t care what you tell yourself or how old you are physically. You ARE a teenager.
- I’m not sorry it’s over. It’s actually a relief in some ways. I’ll regret it, but I also breath easier.
- I have wiped your ass. You should never speak to me in less than the nicest of tones.
- Are you ever going to tell him that the REAL reason you waited so long is you are absolutely shallow in every sense of the word?
- I know what he said to you. You and I both know it wasn’t an accident.
- YES! It is a sore point. It always will be and I’d think that after I’ve told you that in every subtle way I can that you’d get the clue. You’re not stupid. Are you just playing dumb?
- You have completely devolved and I don’t know who you are anymore. I don’t think I want to know either. I’m sorry, but I think it was meant to happen because we just don’t fit anymore.
Maybe I should have just written about the Gosselins or Rachael Ray? I can’t stand either one of them. Ahhh…celebrities…the last people we’re allowed to bash. I love them so. You can’t just say to someone, “You suck as a parent and I wish your kids would get put in foster care because they’re bound to do better than you even in that system!” in real life. Why not? Because that’s irresponsible. If I said everything I wanted to say to the people in my life? I’d be one lonely hermit which is the same thing everyone else would be. Stupid society and it’s rules of behavior. Bah!
I can say things like:
Octomom, you’re an idiot. Didn’t you know America only likes people who have 8 kids AND a husband? There has to be someone around to hit in the head when things are going wrong! And would it kill you to drag everyone to church constantly to show just how much you believe in God? See, then you wouldn’t have to be nice to the people around you. I know, Angelina gets by without going, but she’s also spreadeagled over Brad Pitt every time you turn around. She gets a free pass. You’ve got to aim lower…cable television lower.
But, I can only say it to celebrities. I can’t tell every whore I know, “You keep going to church and announcing it to everyone around you like you’re curing cancer. Why is that? Ok, so you went to church. None of the messages are creeping in. That just makes me think there’s something wrong going on in that church.” Seriously, why is it that the biggest whores I know are constantly headed to church? Do they even make it in the doors without feeling a little electrical shock? Or, do they get side tracked by the pretty lights and the shiny pole on their way there? What is up with that?
Obviously, I had extra time on my hands here. Don’t you miss those days when I had tons of extra time and could write this sort of stuff constantly? If so, then you really must be bored too. 🙂 Some people aren’t bored enough though. That blogroll on the side there is going to be pared down one of these days. There are few things lower than the blogger who shows up just long enough for you to add them to your blogroll and then disappears. I realize some people blog for the camaraderie and to build friendships. I guess I do to some extent, as well. The truth is that I like the distance sometimes. I love knowing all of you. It’s just that life inside this box gets to feeling too tight. The human contact thing is slightly important to me. I’ve never been all touchy-feely but human connection is vital to everyone. On the one hand, I don’t feel the need to forward ya’ll emails about soldiers fighting in their underwear, but on the other hand, I would like to go beyond the homepage especially when you’re hurting or going through something you are trying desperately to handle. The truth is I’d rather you just pick up the phone. Remember those quaint pieces of machinery? I’ve never had any intention of saving the world, but I always want to be a safe place to fall. So, if I don’t get on your site constantly, it’s not that I’m not thinking about you. If I’m not emailing you twice a day and sitting on Yahoo Messenger stalking you, you might just have to live with that. I’m still around. I’m just difficult to reach. Oh, and Der Stalker, I changed my phone number. Everybody else can have the new one though! 🙂
Go on. Say something without fear of retribution.