It’s an extremely rare Monday post… so you know it can’t be good…
I started out ranting in my head this morning over a tv host on a decorating show splurging $300 on 8yds. of fabric. Seriously? You HAVE GOT to be kidding me. But I wasn’t really thinking about that all morning. I wasn’t even thinking about today being the last real day of soldiering for Paladin (thankfully, he finally seems excited about this new phase of his life despite fighting it tooth and nail). I wasn’t even thinking about the crap that Mull pulled this weekend (hopefully I’ll get to tell you about that tomorrow or Wednesday). I was thinking about the same thing that’s been on my mind for weeks.
It started out simply enough. I had a break during some of the work I was doing here around the house and I took the opportunity to jump online and check my email which is something I do even more rarely than commenting on blogs these days. In my email there was a quick note from an old girlfriend that I knew back when M. and I lived on Ft. Polk. I could tell there was marital trouble on her mind even though she was asking what I was doing and I sent her a note about what I’d been up to since Christmas and asked her about her husband. We were never exceptionally close friends but I guess we bonded over marriage and because I happened to be a shoulder when she found out about her husband’s infidelity while he was in Iraq. We email a few times a year, and often it’s because one or the other of us needs a shoulder. It’s kind of an odd relationship. lol In fact, my real life friends remind me a lot of my blogroll. Some of my friends are VERY religious holy-roller types, some are the “margaritas after work” type, some are the Katy Perry boob flashing type, and some are just salt of the earth mommy types (even if they don’t have kids). Friendship is something that’s been high on my mental list lately and it’s no secret why especially for those of you who have been around here for a while. I’ve tried not to comment. I’ve tried to wait it out and let it do what its gonna do. But, let’s face it: I suck at that. So, I’m going to talk for a minute here. It’s the LAST AND ONLY time. I say these things with no expectations whatsoever:
If you’ve read this blog for a while, you can tell that I’m a pretty judgemental person. I am. I know that. I’m good with that. I often cop to being old-fashioned in my sensibilities. I have my own sense of morality, and yes, it is situational. If I love you, if I care about you, I WILL tell you what I think. If you’re a friend of mine, you know that. It happens too often for you NOT to know that. It is a fault of mine. BUT, it’s a fault I have absolutely NO intention of changing. I have a lot of faults, too many to count I’m sure. Some of my faults I’ve learned to control over the years, but my judgemental nature isn’t one of them. It’s a core part of my personality. It may not be the prettiest part, but it’s who I am. I will not be changing that.
I am a good friend. Scratch that. I AM A GREAT FRIEND. I will sit with you for hours upon hours while you cry. I’ll help you find a way to go on when you don’t think you can open your eyes another day. I will hold your hand when everyone is coming right at you. I will be have been your voice when you couldn’t speak for yourself, when others tried to push you in a direction you didn’t want to go. I’ve got your back…always. I’ll be the first person to send the new baby gift. I’ll spend hours pouring over ideas when you want to redecorate your new place or for your big event. I’ll laugh with you over Cher’s outfits. I’ll gossip over ANYTHING with you. And, when you find the person in your life who loves you and treats you like the greatest gift he can ever know, I’ll have tears in my eyes when I congratulate you.
But, I won’t be ANYONES friend that feels I should be nothing but a “Yes Man”. I won’t fart rainbows over your latest paramour that’s been around less than a month. I won’t do flying leaps over some dude. Sorry. I’m just not that girl. And, in case you haven’t NOTICED, I don’t expect you to do that either! I’ll get excited when you’ve been together for 18 months, are engaged (complete with ring), or are expecting your first child. That’s it. That’s my line. Until then, he’s just an accessory. Do I expect you to be excited over every new guy? OF COURSE! You should be. I respect that. Hell, I’ll listen to you wax poetic over him just the way you let me wax poetic over my guy. Until it’s more serious than swapping body fluids and daydreaming about what might be, it’s all fun, but I give it about the same amount of consideration I would if we were in high school and talking about the baseball players cute asses. It’s delicious to think about grabbing on and making it yours forever, but it’s high school and we’re too young for forever. I’m not going to turn a blind eye while you disrespect me, intentional or not. People can say a lot of bad things about me, but the one thing that NO ONE can EVER call into question is whether or not I’m a good friend. I’m sure I’ll be the first to say the thing you don’t want to hear. I’ll be the first to point out the cliff you’re running toward. And, yeah, I know that’s f**king annoying. It’s the price you pay for my friendship.
Or should I say paid? Yes, I’m looking at you. No, I didn’t break down and call. No, I didn’t even send an ecard or comment on your blog. I didn’t even break down and do that Facebook wall thingy. And, I’m not going to. I have cried over this many times in the past weeks. I’ve fretted. I’ve ranted to Tina and Paladin. I’m shocked that it went down this way. But, this is as far as I go. Obviously, you didn’t like my opinion even if I tried to give it in the nicest/non-threatening way I could (yeah, I could have said something snotty…you know I could…remember my asking you if you were trying to be the new Pamela Anderson with the crazy rocker wannbe guy?). The blog you wrote said to me “I’m over our friendship because you’re too judgemental and you aren’t there for me.” I’ll admit that I’m not the person who picks up the phone 90% of the time, but I’m always waiting at the other end. I haven’t got tons of time on my hands these days which kind of reminds me of the many, many times you’ve been in this same “too little time” situation. I’ve always made time to talk to you whenever I could often putting my own stuff on hold in order to do it. I’ve been a good friend to you, but if I’m not your friend anymore…if that’s true…I’ll deal with it because this is who I am. Take it or leave it. I love you. I haven’t called you my friend in a LONG time. I’ve said, “you’re not a friend, you’re family” more times than I can count because that’s the way I feel about you and the way my family feels about you. But, I’m not willing to be loved one minute and reviled the next. No, I won’t be your Yes Man. I can’t do a Pamela & Tommy Lee kind of friendship. I wear my heart on my sleeve that way. I won’t ever think of you as an ex-friend. I’ll be sad to see you go, but I won’t stop you and I won’t run after you. If this is a war of wills over who talks first, this is as close as I’ll come. Maybe our friendship has come to an end. Maybe it’s just changed into an “acquaintaince” friendship where we’re civil if we meet, but not close. And, maybe it will slip into a “friendship coma” where we don’t hate each other but never speak again. I may not have been the friend you wanted me to be, but I do believe that I’ve been the friend you needed. If you don’t need me in your life, let it fall. Think it over long and hard first, but I will accept whatever comes next.
Like I said, this is the ONE AND ONLY time I will speak of this.
I’ve been pretty spotty in the blog reading these days, and I always feel guilty when I post like this but don’t have the time to stop and read yours (especially a couple of really cool new bloggers that recently poked their heads in! seriously, go look at Steph’s page…I’m seriously jealous of her! and Blondi has the coolest music thing at the bottom…I was listening to it while I wrote this). I’m always glad to see ya’ll. I think about your blogs even when I can’t take the time out to read or just can’t get to a computer. I swear by Scarlett O’Hara’s green curtain dress that some day I will get it all together and be a master multi-tasker who can do it all. Unfortunately, my kit is still in the mail. 😦 So, I’ll catch up with ya’ll when I can.