Archive for the ‘this is starting over?’ Category

Virgo Moon

.I had one weird ass day, yesterday.  It started out with a few phone calls to Marrying Kind and 28, and then out of boredom I sent out a “how’s your day going?” text to a few of my leading men.   What happened next was not what I had expected. 


Dull Boy answered first.  His day wasn’t going well at all.  He even used a frowny emoticon, and I have never in almost 3 months seen him use a single emoticon.  I texted back asking if he was ok, and he replied telling me not to worry.  Cuz…you know…nothing makes a person not worry like someone telling them, “Don’t worry.”  I messaged back but didn’t hear another thing out of him.  So, yeah, I am actually worried about Dull Boy.


Gig was next.  This was very SURPRISING.  I hadn’t talked to Gig in almost 2 weeks.  We usually spend time on the phone on the weekends, but this last weekend I had so many dates that I just didn’t get a chance to sit with him for hours shooting the breeze.  I kinda missed that too.  But, we hadn’t been texting since our little cool-off/break-up (or whatever the hell it is…search me).  He texted me telling me how there had been an accident that day and that a driver had been killed.  Scared the hell out of me!  I thought he’d been with them since sometimes he has another guy with him.  He wasn’t thankfully, and he said much the same thing as Dully Boy about not worrying with much the same result!  Thanks, boys.  Yeah, thing is I like you enough not to want bad things to happen to you.  Silly me.  I guess my “competition” wasn’t around for Gig to talk to and he knew I’d care.  Yeah, silly, silly me.


Supplier replied, but he’s been busy.  He’s been macking too.  lol  We’re in the same place I guess.  🙂  Who knows?


The oddest text of all?  JOE.  Joe’s name is under Gig’s in my cell and I guess I accidentally hit his name too (probably a Freudian thing).  This started a series of “I want to see you”  and “I’m off this week” texts.  Puuuhhhlease.  I know him.  There’s only two reasons for him to talk to me either he’s running out of ho’s or he’s missing what we had.  I told him I was seeing several other people and he started this “no strings” thing.  It’s probably a one day thing.  Joe tends to take a fancy to an idea and then leave it alone. 


Stalker wasn’t texted but he called last night to talk for a few minutes.  He’s been working a double shift which as anyone knows can slow down even the most eager of stalkers.  lol  He’s wanting a date for Friday, and he might get it.


Now to the elimination round…


Private Dancer pulled some crap on IM last night and this morning we had a little standoff.  He was out of sorts last night and refused to talk about it but it was obvious that something was going on.  He got testy and left.  I asked him if I had done something wrong this morning because I’m…what’s that word…NICE.  He got all up in arms and said I was crowding him (funny…you seemed pretty interested in that red lace bra I was wearing…what? gotta give the boys something to fight for!).  I told him not to worry that I didn’t need this crap.  He started laughing about me wanting to leave at the first ill word.  And, I just told him that it wasn’t that.  I don’t need somebody who wants to blow hot and cold and puts his own stuff off on me.  That was that!  Ask me how relieved I am!!!  Woohoo!!!  I got out and I didn’t even have to break anyone’s heart since he started it.  Best of all, it means that Major Cox has a clear path to my heart.  🙂  I can even go to the Welcome Home Ceremony if I want!  It’s great.  Today, Major Cox is online IM’ing me and pretending he is here putting up the Christmas tree with me.  How sweet is he?  I mean to tell ya.  If he’s half this good when he does get home, I may be truly smitten.


Second in the elimination round was Marrying Kind.  He had also been acting oddly since Tuesday night questioning me on all sorts of things.  We were on the phone several times yesterday talking about things, just life in general.  He brought up Eveready by location and then the conversation came around to Gig.  He insisted that Gig’s texts indicated his desire to have me in his life more (not even close buddy…I know Gig).  Prior to this, Marrying had been very loose about my other relationships insisting on being allowed into every facet of my life, and I had obliged to some extent.  He knew the major hurdle with Eveready and had been confident in having children himself but suddenly he was all “what if we don’t?”.  I shrugged it off.  We were talking about going to his office Christmas party this Friday.  Then he said something kind of off about liking his friends. Finally, I told him to get to the heart of the matter and when he hemmed and hawed, I spelled it out for him.  I had made no bones about not liking his so-called friends.  These include “swingers” who don’t so much swing as cheat on each other and call it swinging, women who let him buy them and their kids expensive cellphones on his phone plan, and just general users.  Trash, pure trash, I’m tellin’ ya.  And, that’s precisely what I told him.  Then I told him that this wasn’t going to work out because I’d never be ok with being around those types of people.  He said, “I still want to know you and talk to you.”  I cut him short with, “Didn’t you tell me that I needed to make a clean break from the other guys?  What’s the point in postponing the inevitable?”  So, no more of the Marrying Kind. 


Whew!  After a day like that, I was a bit confused to say the least!  Kind of despondent, I went over to an astrology site where a paragraph was talking about the Virgo Moon.  Apparently, the Virgo Moon was supposed to be great for “cleaning house” and uncomplicating your life.  Well, that explains it!  It’s supposed to continue for today I think.  So, I need to stay away from anyone I want to keep!  lol


As for a question that several of you have asked, how do I keep them all straight?  It’s not hard.  I actually remember their names, first and last, and the details of their life.  Now, I don’t memorize their phone numbers unless I call them a lot, but I even remember their children’s and pet’s names usually.  They aren’t numbers to me.  They really are people that I’m interested in and want to know.  I don’t lie to them or try to hide anything about myself.  So, I don’t have to worry about telling someone something I shouldn’t. 


Am I going all ga-ga over the guys because of my weight loss?  The answer to that one is, “Maybe.”  I can’t say for sure since this is a new experience for me, but I doubt it.  I dated a good bit when I was 500lbs.  Seriously, I did and that is not exactly the norm and it REALLY wasn’t the norm all those years ago (it’s been 6 yrs since I actively dated….  I think I have a wider appeal now at my MUCH smaller size, and I have a policy of never turning someone down for shallow reasons such as looks (one of the above men looks for all the world like Smeagol in Lord of the Rings).  However, I am considering hanging a sign that says, “You must be this tall for the Honeywine ride!”  Anytime someone is more than an inch shorter than me, the kissing becomes awkward.  😦 


There is always something about a man that sets him apart.  I like men.  I’ve always been terribly fond of them and I’m not just speaking sexually.  Men are so much easier to figure out.  Their actions usually do all they’re talking, and it’s only when I try to understand their emotional side that I get confused and caught up.  Unlike some people, I really don’t believe in that stereotype of the unfeeling male.  A lot of times, I think they just aren’t sure what they are feeling and when they do, they have learned not to say anything because of the reactions they have gotten in the past.  Men are great on so many levels and I’m a genuine fan.  And that’s without the sex which I consider a category unto itself.  Not that I’ve been up to that lately!  lol


Any other questions?  🙂  Honeywine is an open book.  Maybe too open!  lol










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Numbers Game

.I did say that Eveready would have an argument for me about what I had written and I wasn’t wrong.  When I got online Sunday night he had left me a message.  It started off with, “So ya think I’m all about sex???” He had read and re-read the last post.  He basically told me that I was going to think what I was going to think but that he knew what I wanted and that he wants the same things and that I haven’t given him a chance.  He challenged me to see him, and I said yes.  So Tuesday, I’ll be in Pineville, but I still don’t see it going anywhere for many reasons.  But, he’s right that I haven’t given him a real chance.  The sad thing is that’s true for most of the men I’ve been talking to or seeing. 

At one point in his message, Eveready asked if I was playing a numbers game, just enjoying the attention from all these men.  It’s nothing I haven’t wondered about myself, and I’m sure many other people who know me (including some of you) have wondered the same thing.  For a while now, I’ve had this debate going on inside me about whether I’ve lost my mind the way some people seem to do when they get divorced or if I just can’t say “no” to people or am I being indecisive or is this what I’m supposed to be doing.  Maybe I’m supposed to be looking around and seeing what’s out there.  I want to be in a relationship.  I always have.  But how much of that is me wanting it and how much of it is me living up to what I’ve brain-washed myself into wanting???  I’ve said these same things to some of these men, and they all say things like, “No, baby, I know you.  You’re just being who you are.”  And, I want to SCREAM.  They don’t know me!  Hell, some days I don’t know me!   I don’t think I’m using them for a few reasons, not the least of which is that it’s tearing me apart when they tell me they love me (yes, more than one of them has…and more than a few of them want to).  I don’t want to hurt anyone, ever.  They know I’m seeing other people.  They just don’t seem to care or maybe they think they are going to be the “one” in the end.  I’m actually afraid of hurting them.  The ones that are eating at me most are the two who want me to marry them (Stalker and Marrying Kind) and the two soldiers in Iraq.  Some of this needs to end, and I don’t know how to do it without hurting anyone.  I don’t even think it’s possible.  I’m going to hurt people no matter how hard I keep trying to stop them from going overboard. 

If that’s not enough, they’re pointing out to me just how numb I really am.  Emotionally, I’m torn apart most of the time.  Do I enjoy the attention?  Yeah.  Sometimes it feels really good to have someone tell you that they want you and that you’re beautiful.  But, most of the time, I just want them to stop saying it.  I don’t want to be wanted sometimes.  Used…I’m used to that.  That’s easy.  I don’t have to hurt anyone but me then.  How fucked up is that?  And, all I’ve been thinking for days is that this must be how some of the men, Gig and Joe in particular, in my life have felt.  If I can take them at their word, they had/have feelings for me, but didn’t know what to do when surrounded by other women saying the same thing.  How’s that for a lesson from the Universe?  Sucky.  That’s how.  Maybe that’s all any of this is.  Maybe I’m just being taught a hard lesson.  I’m scared that’s not all it is.  I’m scared that I’m becoming those men that hurt me. 

I had 3 dates in 4 days this weekend, and it was a different guy every night.  It feels insane.  I don’t think I’m sophisticated enough for this.  At the same time, there are a few of these guys that I think are in the right spot.  They respond to me and are slowly trying to connect with me (Supplier and Major Cox mostly).  They aren’t pushing or pulling.  It’s easy and it’s comfortable but exciting. 

I need to sort so much of this out, but I think I’m just starting to understand my life or at least, some days I think I am.  Ok, I don’t.  I so don’t.  At this point, I don’t know why ANYONE would want to know me.

I don’t know anything anymore. 

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Tongue Sandwich

.Holy heck!  For almost 2 days, I caught up with blogs!  Go me!  lol  M. has finished his schooling and will be graduating on the 19th.  So, I’ve been at Brian’s a lot, and that lets me see ya’ll!  But, this post is going to be a bit of a ramble…much like my brain at the moment.  The last couple of days have been interesting but much of it, I prefer to leave out of the blog.  Let’s just say that the Stalker is living up to his blog-name, and there are a few others sweatin’ me.  It’s good though.  Better to be wanted by many than to be ignored by one (ahem, Gig).  Of course, if you’re me, you can pull off both!  lol  Let’s hit dis!


Ok, Penelope, I think you’re going to be sorry you asked for it, but here’s the list (uh but let’s skip the numbering to keep my ho-dum under my own radar) :


Gig (aka Gigantor)- We all know this one right?  Twice divorced, 2 kids with different mamas, living with his parents, working a commercial cement truck.  We have EVERYTHING in common, but he can’t make up his mind.  Story of my life! 


Mr. Eveready- Great guy.  Simple as that.  Only problem is that we have mutual friends that my family is in contact with, and these people cannot keep anything quiet.  Eveready says he can keep his mouth shut, but I’m getting the feeling that he’s hoping for the sex and isn’t really looking realistically at the future.  Since he is also a blog reader, he knows I just wrote this and I expect to hear an argument.  I just don’t see where it’s headed.  It’s hard to say that, but it’s true.  If it’s all about sex, I can get that anywhere.


Dull Boy- Soldier stationed here on Ft. Polk.  Lives up to his name.  lol  Damned hot in those medic scrubs he wears though and an ass you want to bronze! 


Stalker- SWAT team prison guard and Cub Scout leader.  Also, lives up to his name!  lol  He is so all over me to the point that he randomly showed up at Walmart yesterday where Tina and I were shopping.  I don’t mind all that much but seriously, I’ve made it clear that YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE!  Perhaps I should send him to the blog?


Supplier- Had our first date a couple of days ago, and it…um…went well.  🙂  He has 4 daughters and a divorce that will be final in mid-January.  His job involves vending and he drives a distance equal to that from my home to well past Gig’s DAILY.  Hmmm….seems many, many, many men don’t mind that drive! 


Major Cox (aka Gigantor Dos)- A soldier in Iraq who will be headed back to Ft. Polk just after New Years.  He is AWESOME.  He is a bit younger than me (by almost a decade), but he knows black & white movies!  We have a lot of the same values, talents, and desires, and honestly, I could see myself with him.  He called me yesterday and we talked for 2 hours.  Awesome!


Private Dancer- (here’s where is gets dicey) A soldier in the same unit as Major Cox!  I found this out when I was talking to them online one day and they both had to go to a meeting at once.  Yeah…AWKWARD!  He’s an entire decade younger than me.  Sounds like a career Army man who is already a “team leader” complete with one Purple Heart.

Marrying Kind- A local man who just yesterday (and after talking to me for a grand total of 6 hrs of slow IM) asked me to marry him and offered me ANYTHING.  I get the distinct impression that if I’d said, “I want a new convertible” there would have been one on my doorstep the next day.  He kept going on about making $5k a month and me not having to work.  That just pisses me off.  I DESPISE when men try to use money to buy me off.  I ain’t sayin’ it won’t work though.  lol  He seems unstable at best!

The newer prospects:

VIP- Separated with one daughter who is 18.  Commercial real estate developer by trade.

Cap’n- Riverboat captain with a place on the lake who is looking for forever.

28- Off shore worker who works 28 days on then gets two weeks off.  He’s got 2 kids, a divorce, and recently lost his father.

Marty McFly- A soldier in Korea on his way back to Ft. Polk soon (I know!  I’m turning into a barracks bunny but I live next door to about 3000 single men…WWJD!?!).  He’s in the middle of a nasty divorce which has left him somewhat bitter.  But, he’s also interesting and fun loving and big into cars.

Unsure- This one is so very new that I refuse to reveal him!  So, there’s a mystery for ya to ponder!  🙂

Now for a dating rant:  WTH is up with the tongue boys???  I get that you are trying to show off some sort of skill at a certain sexual act, but…uh…yeah…slow the hell down.  And, ya know what?  We don’t all think the downtown action is the be-all-end-all of things.  It’s pleasant.  I’ll give you that.  But, we’re on a first date!  Not a Spainish soap opera!  Try to act like it!

Who tongued you last?  lol

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.Where to begin?  I’m woefully behind on your blog.  😦  I would have figured you would have stopped looking over here by now, but I know…train wrecks are hard to look away from!  lol  I so want to start with my Stalker, but instead, I’m going to start with Dull Boy and Girl’s Night. 


Saturday, we had an ornament exchange for Girl’s Night and went to a Japanese hibachi grill in town instead of our regular Girl’s Night on base.  We had a great time but I really didn’t get the point of spending a TON of money on a so-so meal just because some guy from another country sets fire to oil in front of me.  I was in the minority.  The real trouble came when I got home early and called Dull Boy.  It had been chilly that day and somehow or other, we got into a fight over whether or not it was cold.  COLD!  Who the hell fights over whether or not it was cold?  Especially when you get on the phone for phone sex (I thought maybe it would loosen him up)???  WTH is up with that?  I don’t know if he was ticked because he thought I’d be on base and he’d get a chance to get with me or what.  It’s nuts.

Sunday, I gave Dull a second chance when Brian sent me to the KFC just off base, but he was at work still.  Instead, I came back and talked to Gig on the phone for 3 hours.  It’s the first long, for-no-good-reason talk we had in a while.  It was nice.  I found out I have competition and after he told me that, he asked if I was worried.  I laughed and told him I’d let his track record stand for itself.  We talked about lots of other stuff too and laughed and enjoyed each other.  At some point, he brought up our sexual encounter Thursday and we both sounded a bit shocked about it and agreed that it was SO NOT PLANNED.  As a result, I managed to make it clear to him that he’s the only one I am sleeping with currently, and that even though we’re not exclusive, I’m just not cut out for that kind of thing.  He countered by saying that the only reason he’s not exclusive is because every time he’s done that before, he got left behind.  I just told him that was fine for now but that someday in the next few months we’d have to make a decision as to whether or not to go on.  It was good.  We’re always good.  *sigh*  🙂  And, apparently the Zucchini Crisp was a huge hit because he didn’t get a single bite.  lol


When I got home that night, I called a new guy.  He and I chatted again on Monday and decided to make a date for today.  Yep, I should have kept with my “chat online for a week” rule before going to the phone but I made an exception when he didn’t have that much time to get online.  He’s a seargent at a nearby prison.  He’s also on their SWAT team and is a volunteer fire fighter and Cub Scout leader.  All sounds good right?  Then came the date.  I knew I was in trouble when he asked if I believed in love at first sight.  A few minutes later, he was asking me if he could call me his girlfriend and I told him that I was seeing other people too.  Instead of that running him off, he told me that he’d just find the guy and lock him up.  Once the date was over, Stalker sent me about 4 texts and 4 phone calls within 2 hours.  Fortunately, I’d left the phone in the car.  It was especially fortunate since one of the phone calls was apparently to tell me that he’d driven almost to my house!  Not getting me on the phone for directions, he turned around!  The texts were things like “Are you ok, baby?”  True, it was raining heavily, but still, it was creepy.  He’s going to be hard to shake.  Then, when I got home he called again to make sure I’d be ok because there’s a big storm and freeze coming our way. 


Just promise me you won’t let Valerie Bertinelli play me in the Lifetime movie!  Kirstie Alley, maybe.  lol









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.Ok, let’s get into it.  🙂 


I’m well aware that my thing with Gig sounds CCCRRRAAAZZYYY!  Here’s the thing.  I’ve never been here before.  This is entirely new to me and I’m not talking about Gig.  I’m talking about ME.  I am an entirely different person from the girl I was when I married M. just 3 short years ago.  I’ve changed immensely.  Some days, I’m not sure just how much and then something happens to hold a mirror up for me to see it.  If what’s going on with Gig turns out to be my first ever, EVER crazy, insane wild fling, I’m ok with that. 


I didn’t really date in high school.  I was kind of screwed up by a false start relationship with one of the teachers.  He wasn’t my teacher.  He taught Special Ed., and I pursued him.  He didn’t do anything wrong.  He waited until he thought I was 17 (which is legal in La. or at least the cops try not to enforce any statuatory laws by that age…or they did back then anyhow…I was actually 16 though) to make a move, but by then I was too shut down emotionally to let anyone in.  My life might have been very different if there had been someone there to tell me that it was ok and that it happens to everyone.  Instead, I let the fear of rejection rule me and pushed everyone away at all times.  It took a light bulb moment for me to figure out that I didn’t make any mistakes then.  It just was what it was.


But by the time I figured this out, I weighed about 550lbs (down from 700).  I started dating.  I made a science of it.  I studied it.  I learned along the way, and I got damned good at playing at being “ok”.  But, I could never really trust any of the men I was with.  I just figured them out until I was comfortable with them.  I’m really good at that.  Joe came along and he was hard to read, but I fell hard anyhow.  I got hurt.  I took some time, but I really wanted to try again with him because it was special…to both of us.  Just as we started to think about doing that, M. showed up in my world by accident…or fate.  M. got me over some serious things whether he knew it or not.  I didn’t have body issues at 500lbs. but I had trust issues up the wahzoo.  Then M. let me down.  The one person I had allowed myself to trust COMPLETELY let me down.  But for a while at least, I got to see what it was to actually trust someone enough to let them see all of you.  I WILL NEVER TURN MY BACK ON THAT AGAIN.


It might not make any sense to ya’ll, but I’m starting to trust Gig.  He’s never been anything but honest with me even when he knew it would hurt.  Our problems tend to have far more to do with his fear of being alone on a shelf.  He is dealing with it, and yeah, I’m forcing him to deal with it because I do want this to work.  I’m probably trying too hard.  I know some people think that if you have to try at love then there is something wrong with it, but that just seems silly to me.  For thousands of years much of the world compromised to form relationships and marriages.  It’s only been since the Middle Ages that people began to believe in love as the basis for lasting happiness.  And how well is that working out for us?  Do I need to quote the divorce rate or unwed parent statistics?


I’m not saying that I’m going to drag Gig along with me.  Far from it.  But, I’m not above some hand holding.  That’s what we all wish we had, right?  Someone to hold our hand when we’re unsure?  I did say that we had “sort of” broken up.  He wants me, and I’m sure about that.  If I were there, we’d be together and that would be the end of it.  I just can’t be yet.  I want this to survive and to have a chance to thrive because I do care for him.  But, in the end, if it’s just a fling…if it’s just another notch…if it’s just another lesson…I’ll live with it.  I’ll cry.  I’ll regret.  I may even beg.  But, I’ll survive it.




Yesterday was a long day.  I got completely lost in Lake Charles!  lol  The directions and phone number I got online were for Dr. C.’s old practice.  So not only were they written wrong to get to the old practice, I finally found out that even if they were right it wouldn’t have helped.  So I called and got Dr. C.’s number, and one of his receptionists gave me directions.  Just one hitch, while the landmarks she gave me were correct, her turns were not!  The first mistake I get because she must have thought I was on a different side of the street, but the last one was just wrong.  I suck at directions to begin with!  And then she goes and sends me in exactly the OPPOSITE direction??? 


After much trial and error (and being outside the city limits at least once), I made it to the doctor’s office an hour late only to hear that I’m a text book case and he wished everyone did what they were supposed to after a gastric bypass and why was I even there?  The answer is that Dr. MM. thought he’d like to see me to confirm how well I had done.  Dr. C. did have one caution though.  I occasionally have serious pain across my stomach/abdominal area, and I noticed it most when I was under stress.  According to him it’s a type of herniated-something-or-other, where your intestines become caught between your old stomach and your new intestinal attachment, and it requires surgery.  Dammit all!  I didn’t say anything about doing it now because I’m waiting to see about the plastic surgeon Monday, but if it will take a while to start my plastic surgery or if they want to just do one area at a time like a breast lift first then I’m going to have to consider having the surgery for the intestines.  Man, I do not look forward to that.  It’s not quite as bad as having the gastric bypass again (they just move the intestines out of the pocket and sew it up), but it will hurt like a mutha!  But, hey, that’s why the good Lord made percocet!  🙂


Despite being completely turned around, I figured my way back to the interstate AND got through it with not a single hitch!  If you knew me better, you’d know that’s like a freakin’ miracle!  lol  I even found my way to Gig’s parent’s house without following my directions!  He was pretty impressed by that.  I’m like a freakin’ homing pigeon when I wants to be.  😉 


Gig was still at work when I got there, and I told him to tell his Dad that I was coming, but he said, “Oh he’ll remember ya.”  (at the time of our last date Gig had trouble with his truck, and I ended up dropping him at home…I met his Dad for all of 2 seconds then and he seemed kind of shocked to see me…Gig explained that I was the first date he’d had come to his house…I wonder how many of his other dates even know he lives with his parents?  I’m betting not a lot since we’d been talking for a week or so before he mentioned it)  However, I didn’t relish just showing up at his parent’s house unannounced!  But, it was that or wait in the car on the side of the road, and it was kind of cold as hell yesterday.  So, I drove up, took the Zucchini Crisp that I’d baked the night before, and knocked on the door.  Before he’d even gotten the door open Gig’s Dad was smiling and saying, “Oh HI!” very happily.  I asked him if Gig had told him I was coming and he said that he hadn’t come in from work.  I explained that Gig had told me to come on by and wait for him.  Gig’s job that day was in Texas, and it took another 2 hours for him to get home.  So, his Dad and I hung out and watched Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune.  I hadn’t seen those in ages, but it wasn’t too awkward considering his Dad is a pretty quiet guy from what I hear.  Later that night when I got ready to leave, his Dad seemed to genuinely hope I’d be coming back.  It was very nice.


When Gig arrived, he greeted me with a pet name and I motioned for a kiss on the cheek but his kissed me full on instead…in front of his Dad (I’m a little weird about the PDA myself…strangers around is fine, but family is different…I’m more guarded then).  It wasn’t tongue or anything.  Just a nice kiss.  Then he stood around talking to his Dad and me about the job he’d done and how it was set up.  The whole time he was talking though he was looking longingly at me and I could tell he was thinking, “How long do we have to talk to Dad before we can be alone?”  I finally broke the tension by going to his bathroom and giving them a chance to talk for a second.  When I came out he was in his room talking some sort of gibberish to get my attention.  I came in and he dropped everything he’d had in his hands and took me in his arms.  


Last night was the way it always has been with us…really good…in every way.  We talked about our lives.  We joked.  We played.  We had sex (though we hadn’t planned to do that).  It was good.  I pinned him down about the break-up thing and questioned him.  More than that, I warned him that this was his only second chance. 


What happened is what I’ve thought all along happened: he was alone and lonely and I wasn’t there to comfort him.  I regret that because if I’d known for one second that he needed a shoulder I’d have given him both of mine.  Instead, because of Thanksgiving and his son’s visit, we hadn’t really talked for a week.  It was too much for him to feel alone right then even though we had pre-arranged the hiatus.  I told him that he needs to learn to “reach out” instead of “push away” and I warned him that if he thinks he needs space all he has to do is ask for it.  I’m not looking for an agenda here.  I looked him dead in the eye and made sure he got it when I said I wouldn’t put up with that.  The next time he pushes…I’m out.  He had insisted that we were too close when he wanted to break-up with me, but it seems that we just weren’t close enough at the time.  He’s alone and he wants to be with me.  I wish that I could make that happen, but I’m an adult and I deal with it.  He’s going to have to learn to do the same.  If all you want in life is immediate gratification, you’re always going to be looking for the next fix.  That’s something Joe did and probably still does even after he recognized the problem.  The difference with Gig is that he recognized the problem and has tried to put a stop to that pattern.  For some people it’s food or drugs or alcohol, for other’s the really big high is dating, but dating is nothing in and of itself.  It’s the lasting committment that matters, and Gig said that himself without me ever pointing any of it out to him.  That tells me that he’s got potential.


All any of us can do is keep trying, keep learning from our mistakes, and try to make sense of it all.  I won’t look down on him for doing the same.  If it ends badly, so be it. 


At one point during the movie, Gig moved to hold my hand the same way he did at the end of our first date.  I looked up and he was staring at me with those speckled blue-gray eyes like there were a million things he wanted to say but couldn’t. 


Yeah…if this goes down…I have no doubt that it is going to hurt.

Update-  Btw, I don’t want to give anyone the wrong impression about all of these men I’ve been dating.  Gig is the only one of them I have slept with, and at the moment, I have no intention of adding a second man.  I don’t do well with that kind of thing.  I understand how some people can, but my emotions couldn’t take it.

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.What a difference 2 days makes!  I don’t know how many of you read the comment section for the last post, but some things went down Monday night. 


Monday morning after I wrote that last post I sent an email to Gig ending it.  In fact, I apologized for making it hard for him to dump me because…well…I had made it hard for him.  When he first tried to dump me Saturday night, I asked him to rethink it because we’re damned good together and that just doesn’t come along all the time.  I was willing to compromise because I just didn’t want to give up on it over something so small as 2 hours.  But by the time, I woke up that Monday morning at 4am something inside me knew to step back and let him go.  I knew that if he got his head straight he’d be back.  I didn’t think it would happen this way…


Monday night, Ginger and I were online chatting and she told me that Gig had sent her a friend request.  Uh huh…  Over the course of the evening the two of them ended up messaging each other and Ginger kind of tore into him.  He kind of freaked.  I made Ginger be nice because I’ve never thought ill of Gig.  He might be a bit screwed up about what he wants but he’s never tried to hurt me or to be dishonest with me (in fact, it’s himself he’s more dishonest with).  We left it at that.


By Tuesday, I was sitting in Dr. MM’s office and stewing.  There are only 2 reasons to message my best friend: (1) you’re a nasty jackass who is trying to get with her or (2) you’re trying to stir the pot to see if I still give a damn.  I got more and more ticked.  By the time I got home, I called Ginger and told her I wasn’t putting up with this crap.  He wanted out and I dropped it.  I didn’t text, email, or call.  Fin!  Then he goes and does that?  Hells nah!  As Ginger and I were talking she noticed that he had gotten online and I said goodbye to her and started dailing his number.


I read him the riot act for a start and said all the things that had been in my mind for 2 days!  He sat very quietly and barely spoke for a very long time while I got all this off my chest.  When he did start talking, he sounded…humbled. 


Some of the highlights?


I told him that I didn’t appreciate being made to feel like I was crazy for liking him.  And that although I had feelings for him and he had feelings for me, it did not mean that I was about to go stalker on his ass.  I was seeing other people while I was seeing him, but I had never once mentioned it (I don’t tell the men I date about one another…everyone wants to feel like they’re the only one…and unless we are specifically exclusive, I feel it’s an unannounced reality that I will be dating others).  When he heard that, he got very, VERY quiet.  I don’t think he believed that I wasn’t completely caught up in him until that moment.  I think it bothered him.  He was soon reminded that I have at least 6 men trying to talk to me at any given moment.  I have never had a problem finding men.  Most of them seem to think I’m their dream girl because of the way I think about life, etc.  And, I was not about to go insane over Gig’s ass.


Then he started letting little things trickle out.  (I’m totally paraphrasing here btw)


Gig- People end up talking marriage (his recent ex is who he was referring to). 


Me- Uh…no.  I’m STILL married.  And, even if I weren’t, I told you long ago that I’m not really looking to do that again any time soon.  Did I ever even say to you, “Let’s be exclusive?”  No, I didn’t.  You put all that on yourself.  You didn’t even ask me what I thought about any of it.


Gig- You have a life up there and your job and you aren’t going to leave that.  And, I have my job and it took a long time for me to get it and I can’t leave it.


Me- Did I ask you to?  I know how good your job is (he’s a cement truck driver in the commercial industry…good money), and I know that mine is pretty easily replaced.  IF…IF…we’d gotten to that point, I knew that I’d be the one to move and make the major changes.  Was I going to do that soon?  NO.  I wouldn’t do something like that without knowing that there’s a committment being made. 


Did I not say that he goes there the same way I do?  lol  We both tend to jump ahead and think about the future when we shouldn’t.  Apparently, I am the only one who knows better than to let it rule my actions. 


So, what came out of this 2 hour conversation?  First, it’s pretty obvious to him now that he let his own illusions get the better of him.  Second, I have a pretty good idea as to what he feels for me (I broke off the phone conversation to get online because I had a couple of new guys waiting for me…Gig got online and I was talking about one of the guys and he basically stopped me…he didn’t want to know).  Third, we have pulled things way back, but we’re talking about seeing each other tomorrow since I’ll be down there anyhow.  So we’ve taken two steps forward and one step back.  Helluva dance!  😦


Oh, and I asked about the sex.  I didn’t think it was bad.  I hate to sound conceited but…I may not have been all the way around the block, but I know good.  But since you might have wondered if that was the problem, I’ll let you hear it in his own words verbatim:  “I have never lost control like that.  Usually I make sure to control myself, so that I don’t hurt someone.”  Uh, yeah, I was taking Tylenol for 4 days post Gig.  Word to the wise, never ever tell a Gigantor to “make it hurt”.  Ok.  lol  There are certain looks that men have that tell you everything they are feeling, and I saw that “OMG…I CAN’T THINK…AMAZING” look on his face more than once that weekend.  I knew I wasn’t deluding myself about that.


Probably more than you wanted to know though…am I right?  lol





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Strike Two



Over the weekend Gig and I sort of broke up.  I say sort of because it’s all a bit up in the air.  In the space of a couple of hours, he went from telling me he couldn’t wait to see me to sending me a long winding dear john letter about how he needed someone closer to him and that he hated that he had fallen in love with me because I was so far away.  Two hours away.  Yeah, it’s like going to the freakin’ moon, buddy. 


He wanted to keep talking though, and we got on the phone last night for a few minutes.  Everything, sadly, was just as good and comfortable as it had always been.  That sucks most of all.  He swears that he’s not seeing anyone else or anything like that but that there are other “prospects”.  lol  Aren’t there always?  It’s not like I don’t have a few going at any given time.  I just put them on hold this last week because it looked like I’d found something special.  I know.  I’m incredibly naïve and HoS (heart on sleeve) about love. 


At least I know for sure that it wasn’t about my body.  I guess it’s time to confess.  Gig and I did sleep together this last week.  In fact, we spent two days together for our “first date”.  I know that sounds like a major ho spill on aisle Honeywine, but remember that we’d spent over 100 hours on the phone and had been talking non-stop for a month.  The sex was basically the only thing we hadn’t covered, and if you don’t click on that level when everything else is so good, it’s going to get ugly.  We clicked.  I wore his ass out although I was occasionally in pain from it.  It was technically flawless, but I did tell Ginger that it was not the best I’d ever had and no, I’m not just saying that now (I just can’t give in to it entirely without knowing there’s a future…so I’m a tart with a heart I guess).  He did have some trouble keeping up with me a couple of times, but from what I hear every guy has that happen once in a while.  I got him back on track.  It was definitely “make” and not “break” sex.  We spent a couple of hours together that night before we parted holding hands and sharing long breathless looks.  It meant something, and that was not all in my head.


So why did I lose?  In his words, “I know myself” and “I can’t do the long distance thing again”.  It seems I’m worth falling in love with, but just try adding me to your schedule!  If I lived there, that would be different according to him.  Sorry, I’m not moving 2 hours away without a commitment.  I left crazy behind a while ago.


Honestly, I thought it would hurt more than this, and it doesn’t.  It stings a little, but I’ve come to terms with it.  I’m glad that we slept together.  I think it got me over some body image hurdles even though I’m well aware that such thinking is far from PC.  I’ll miss him.  Yes, he still wants to talk and to share our lives, but a big part of me believes that what he wants most is to play the field until I finish things up here, and that he’ll probably crawl back wanting me to move down there when my school is over here.  It’s not like it doesn’t intellectually make sense, but this is me and last I heard I was just not that cosmopolitan.  I am an all or nothing gal.  I’ll take nothing, thanks. 


I’m not saying I won’t talk to him.  He’ll be back.  He complained at the end of our “date” that most women just screwed him once or twice and then left him high and dry.  I told him I wasn’t like that and that if this got screwed up, he’d be the one to do it.  It seems that I just can’t stop being right.  When you lead off with pics of giant penis, you’re going to get a certain type of woman and he does.  Unfortunately, an actual whore only wants two things: money and sex.  He can only offer one of those.  And you can’t have sex 24/7.  It is inevitable that he will be used and tossed aside, and I’ll get a text or email as a result.  I don’t know what I’ll do then.  He was honest with me every step of the way, and yes, that is something that I had pretty much lost hope about.  I didn’t think there was an honest man left in the world.  I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I find it hard to walk away from that.


Dull boy did put in an appearance shortly after the break-up email.  He’s still relatively dull.  🙂  But I made it clear to him a while back (before Gig even) that Dull boy and I would not be a forever thing.  We can hang out, but that’s about it.  He and I are each other’s entertainment.  He’s great with that or so he says.  I hope that he doesn’t end up getting serious.  I don’t want to have to go through that.  Did I mention that he wears nipple rings?  I’m sorry, but that’s just weird to me.  lol   And don’t get me started on the chest hair waxed into the shape of a lightning bolt!  😀  But, the Christmas tree he has planned would be festive!  lol 


Still haven’t heard anything from the Deputy.  As I said, he seemed very worried about my marital status, and that may have scared him off.  It probably didn’t help that I didn’t talk to him the day after our date.  I did send him an email that Sunday suggesting we get together last week, but he hasn’t been online since I sent the email.  So, he might have thought that he had gotten blown off and went off to lick his wounds.  Who knows?


So, who is going to be in charge of bringing the chips and dip to my intervention?  🙂


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