Archive for the ‘this is starting over?’ Category


Try having 3 Thanksgivings!  That’s right.  THREE.  Mom is having Thanksgiving at home, and then Tina and I are headed to Fort Polk for a third Thanksgiving with Rachel and the girls.  But, before all of those, there’s Manny and the boss (how is that for a great 70’s cop show title?)!


Brian decided the other day that he’d like to have Thanksgiving dinner at home.  I immediately volunteered to make the dinner.  I think it’s the first one they’ve had in their house since his mother died over a decade ago.  Their oven has been acting up and I decided it was safer to cook at my place.  So here I am at midnight with three more hours of turkey basting to go, and I’m trying desperately to stay awake while worrying about spending the next several days under the same roof as Manjina.  lol


The Deputy has done a bit of a disappearing act.  I’ve not heard from him for a few days, and frankly, I’m relieved.  I’m starting to hope that he doesn’t reappear. 


Gig is wonderful, but this weekend is for family.  His son will be with him all weekend which I am very happy about.  He misses his son and daughter very much, and I can tell it hurts him not to be more a part of their lives.  It’s one of those “aaawww” things about him that makes me melt.  I’m going to try to find something to do with the extra 15-20 hours that I won’t be spending on the phone with him (WOW…that’s a lot of time to kill) because I refuse to intrude upon their time together.  Instead, I will be enjoying Girl’s Night on base and working and maybe doing a faux finish to my faux fireplace surround.  It’s going to be a very LONG weekend.  😦   I’m going to miss him terribly and I already think about him nearly every minute of the day.  We’re trying to get together next week when I have my doctor’s appointment in Lake Charles (it’s a long overdue follow up with my gastric bypass surgeon) and I may even meet the parents.  But, hopefully, I won’t walk away with another hickey!  Did I mention that?  lol  Thanks to Gig I had my first ever hickey!  I didn’t even notice it until he pointed it out at the end of our date. 


There are so many times these days when I love my life.  🙂  It’s a very nice surprise to be happy after feeling like I was just treading water for oh so many months.  A month ago, the thought of enjoying putting up the Christmas tree was just beyond absurd.  I just wanted the holidays to go away.  Now, I’m wondering if I’ll get to kiss Gig under the mistletoe.  With a little luck, we’ll even put up the tree together.  Happy feels like it’s sneaking up and tapping me on the shoulder.  It’s a great way to start the holidays.  🙂


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.The thing about being so consumed with ho’ing and work is that (a) it’s tiring and (b) you don’t have much time to blog! On the upside, the content is a little more interesting I hope. 🙂


.This past weekend was non-stop.


.Thursday I got several calls from Dr. MM’s assistant telling me that 2 weeks from today I have an appointment with the plastic surgeon. Can I get a W00T? lol Ok, so Thursday isn’t the weekend by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s close! I also have appointments the first week of December with Dr. MM and Dr. Chung, my gastric bypass surgeon in Lake Charles. Hmmm…Gig is in Lake Charles too…hmmm…


.Friday morning I was sitting at the Subway inside our local Walmart awaiting an early lunch date with the Deputy. Originally, we had planned to meet at 10am. The night before I sent him an email saying I’d be there between 10 and 10:30 just in case I was a little late. For once, everything fell into place, and I not only made it on time, I was a little early. I was looking fabulous of course, and I sat there texting Gig and Ginger while I waited. Then came 10:15 and no sign of Deputy. I chilled and fended off a few pick-up artists (yeah, apparently they are EVERYWHERE now!). By 10:30, I was a little aggravated, and Deputy was nowhere in sight. I gave him until 10:45 (yes, I am generous like that) and I quit waiting and started shopping for groceries for the weekend. I’ve dated cops before and it’s like dating a doctor sometimes because if something goes down they all tend to converge upon it especially in a small town where not much goes down. Yes, I figured it was something of that nature and I left a voicemail telling him that he’d better have a damned good excuse. I was nearly finished shopping when I got a text from Deputy saying, “Just finished.” To which, I texted, “Finished what?” while I thought to myself, ‘You about finished with me buddy boy!’ He then called explaining that there had been a problem at the jail and they’d had a meeting and didn’t I get his email? No, I did not check my email; I have enough stuff to do in the mornings. However, I told him it was ok that I was still at Walmart and I’d wait for him.


.Once, Deputy finally did arrive things just plain got weird. I never noticed how nervous some men get on a first date. Poor Deputy was about to lose it. lol He was very apologetic about the mix up, and seemed sure that I’d dump him immediately for being almost an hour and a half late. I didn’t, of course, but I did make him sweat it out a little. We headed out to the local steakhouse for lunch and a lot of chatting. Then the weird began. Ok, not so much weird as awkward. During the date, he mentioned getting married and I could see the “whoa I DID NOT mean to say THAT” look all over his face. I honestly forgot how often men go to that place with me, not to mention how quickly. He also repeatedly mentioned the possibility that I would throw him over to go back to my husband usually with a nervous giggle included. Did I mention that this was our FIRST date? We had only had about a week of emails and a couple of phone calls prior to this! The waitress was kind of pushy and brought the check as quick as she could and hovered until he paid it. Since we had gotten the bum’s rush, I suggested we sit in his truck and talk. After all, Walmart had us on video leaving together and I left a detailed description of who I was going to be with that day (a good practice when dating online). We were in the truck all of 10 minutes when he started it up and said something about showing me the Rosepine projects. That confused me a little and I said something about cops always wanting to be on patrol. Then it became very clear. He was taking me home. To his home, that is (I guess he figured if I lived in a ghetto that he must live in the projects…ok lol ). We took a quick tour of the place. He introduced me to his father and then decided to take me down a back road to see the other end of the property. I don’t know if having 911 already dialed on my phone would have helped, but I was about to go there! That was definitely on the weird side. It’s certainly the first time I’ve met the parents on a first date. Fortunately, he wasn’t a serial killer just a very out of practice dater. By the time he took me back to my car, he was pretty smitten. He grabbed me and laid a kiss on me and I have only one thing to say about that: OMG, the WORST kiss I think I’ve ever had, and I’ve dated a lot of dorks! It was like kissing a dying guppy…no…big mouth bass. True, it was not quite as bad as that Sex and the City episode where Charlotte has some guy lick her face, but it was so not good! lol I didn’t make a big deal about it though because he looked like he’d fall into the center of the earth at the first ill word. Instead, I just smiled and told him not to worry about being out of practice (earlier I had said the same thing because he was so nervous and I’m the first date he’s had since he came back to this area 8 mos. ago). He promptly tried to lock down a date for Thanksgiving. ROFL Yep, that’s Honeywine’s dating game! You just never know how it’s all gonna go down! I may see him this week though. I like to give someone a few chances to get it right. I’m such a sucker. lol


.Now, to the incredible news!


.Gig came up this weekend! It was the longest first date of my life. We are incredibly comfortable together which is no shock. He pointed out to me that we had been talking for a month. I seriously did not realize that we had been talking that long. It’s no wonder that it felt as though we had known each other forever. Little revelations were still coming out though. He told me about his baby brother’s death at the age of 12 (Gig was 28 at the time and hadn’t been around much…there were 5 sons and a daughter…wanna guess their religion?). He also told me some things about the Marines including his level of “clearance” which was high enough to see some things that no one should know about (ok, that kind of thing is kind of a turn on…it was the same way with M.’s clearance…being a radio operator, M. had to have a clearance for his Army job…when M. told me about that a year after we’d been married, he totally got lucky…mostly, I kept thinking that maybe he’s not a jerk…maybe he’s a secret agent! lol ). I also got to see Friend when he was showing me pictures on his iPod and his face showed nothing but disdain when I came upon it (I had him point out the one’s he’d actually met and the one’s he was going to meet…there were three in the “met” category…there was only one pic in the “meeting” category and it was mine).


.Everything with Gig has been above board, and it’s incredibly sick that his honesty scares me. It does though. I think I’m falling in love with him. Yes, I’m well aware that I’m thinking of going out with Deputy again, but that has more to do with Gig than with my feelings. Gig is very non-commital or at least he won’t say anything about how he feels about me. If I’m going by his actions, I believe that he feels the same way I do. There is something here, and it could be the best thing either of us has ever found. But, I can’t…ok, I won’t…put my life on hold for him unless he’s willing to do the same. He’s got me twisting in the wind right now. After he left, I got a text from him saying that it would be a while before he could figure this out and that he had to “work out” me being 2 hours away. I thought he might be setting me up for a dumping and I called him. The way he explained himself left little doubt that he’s thinking of asking me to move in with him in the coming months. His eye is on the future and he thinks we have one together. How is that for BIG and SCARY???


.All my talk over the last months about looking at a man’s actions instead of listening to the pretty words is coming back to haunt me. It turns out that at some point you want both. I’m hanging on loosely. And, that means that Deputy may get another date. I want to see my options, but it reminds me of buying my Junior High School graduation dress. I saw that dress in the window and I knew it was the one. I went into the store and tried several others before I’d even take a closer look at it, but the minute I put that dress on, I knew it was right. I just got my first look at Gig, but I already know it’s going to be all or nothing with us.


.Well folks, I may not get to blog as much as I used to but hey, the content isn’t too shabby, right? lol Now, I know I’ve been doing a great disappearing act around here lately. There just isn’t enough time in the day when it takes 3 hours on dial-up to catch up with ya’ll. Fortunately, I’ve taken the entire week at Brian’s except for Wednesday in order to let Tina have time off to get things done at Mom’s. This should also allow me to catch up with every single one of you! I miss ya’ll. 😦 Today it’s raining and Brian’s dsl goes out in the rain. So here I am just a few minutes from leaving and I’m desperately trying to get this to load. If you see it, I’m successful and am hoping for dry weather and loverly dsl tomorrow! I’ll catch ya’ll then!




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I know I’m THREE days late with this one.  Not to mention not posting for nearly a week!  So much has been going on!  So let’s get right into it!


A.  I’ve been outed!  Blogwise, that is.  It seems that months ago I put the link to this blog in my yahoo profile.  Who knows why?  But, I hadn’t noticed it and then the other night a new fella to the Honeywine Dating Game, Mr. Eveready (I hope you like the name…it was that or Mr. Mertz  😉  ) started talking about the blog.  Good news is that he was curious enough to come over here and read up on me.  Unfortunately, I’ve been on the DL with the blog.  M. used to read it to know what was going on in my life (because…ya know…living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed, how could he possibly know how I felt or what I was doing?).  Once the separation began, I decided that I didn’t want any man in my life to have access to the blog, and at one point, I even thought if I ever got married again I wouldn’t even let that poor fellow know about the blog.  So, yeah…that link will be taken down ASAP!


B.  I jumped the first hurdle toward my new perky boobs like freakin’ Flo Jo!!!


Late on Friday, I had my first doctor’s appointment with my new primary physician Dr. MM.  I’ve heard some stories about people spending months documenting their need for reconstructive plastic surgery post-gastric bypass, and still being denied.  Dr. MM spent all of 10 seconds talking to me and said, “Let’s get you a referral!”  I am so in love with Dr. MM for her “you need it, let’s do it” attitude.  The reason I chose her for my primary instead of my former primary, aka Creepy Doc, at the same practice was because many years ago when she first began practicing there I saw her for an ear infection when Creepy Doc was on vacation and her words still echo through my mind:  Why be in pain if you don’t have to?  It has taught me so much about the “Me Generation” attitude about self gratification and made me question so many things about myself like ‘Why would you WANT to be in pain, ya nutcase?’  In a nutshell, self-gratification is good.  Lol


C.  As far as dating in concerned (cover your ears Mr. Eveready), Gig and I are still talking and have been trying to find a date to meet; he lives 2 hours away and that and both of us having jobs and family obligations is making it difficult.  Dull boy passed up a date Saturday night, but in a very backhanded way; he had a party to go to and I think he was hoping I’d volunteer to go and I didn’t.  I do have a date for lunch on Friday with a local Sheriff’s deputy and this makes me nervous since I used to avoid dating local guys because you never know who knows who and who they’ve already dated; it can be weird when you live in a small area.  This brings me to Mr. Eveready, as it turns out we have a mutual friend, but I’m still going to give him a chance and yes, there may be a date in his future.  He just has to jump the same hurdles that the other guys already have such as moving from talking online to talking on the phone.  🙂 


I would write more but I’m half an hour late already!  I hope I can catch up to ya’ll this evening!



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Gig and I have been talking CONSTANTLY.  I mean, hours and hours out of everyday and that’s when we’re not texting each other off and on during the day.  Yes, this IS why I haven’t had time to blog.  I know, ya’ll figured that out a while ago, but the two jobs and daily errands aren’t helping either, but until we all start grossing what Dooce does, this is my life.   Did anyone else hear Bon Jovi right then?  Anyhoo…back to Gig.


Last night, in Gig’s haphazard way, I got some of the dish on Friend, and yes, he did indeed send her packing.  In fact, he spent last weekend feeling very sorry that he had fallen for her crap again (“again” was his word and yes it gives me pause) and that she had caused him even a moment’s doubt where I was concerned.  Uh…ya think?  He also has spent the last two days talking more and more about wanting to see me.  Maybe he does now that he’s sure Friend was just jerking him around, but maybe it’s just that he knows I’m not available this weekend and there’s no chance he would have to follow through.


The night before last, we got on Yahoo to chat instead of the phone because he had gotten a new camera and was trying to figure it out and do laundry and a few other things.  At the time, I wondered if it was because he wanted to talk to Friend online without me knowing, but that thought was quickly ended.  We had a couple of long running conversations about our lives and what we had gone through and where things were going in not only our personal lives but in our individual futures (most of the IM’s were at least a paragraph long…including his).  I stopped wondering about Friend pretty quickly because the minute I would finish typing, he’d start.  I understand completely why it’s often easier for men to write about their feelings or get things out in a way that they don’t have to immediately respond or feel rejected.  I do the same thing.  I asked questions on IM that I would never have asked him on the phone because I know he’s scared to death. 


To be honest, I don’t think he’s figured me out.  I’ve got a reasonably good handle on him though.  He’s looking to do the same thing he has always tried to do:  find a good woman to live happily ever after with.  The problem is that he no longer trusts himself to make that call.  Well…duh…after getting it wrong, wronger and wrongest, I’d have second thoughts too; in fact, I have them now, but we’re talking about him here or maybe we aren’t.  I’m all for trying to help him figure me out if it helps him figure his self out. 


Under that umbrella, I sent him to Myspace to take a look at Joe; I wanted him to understand that looks mean diddly squat to me and since I’ve heard over and over again, “Really?  You and HIM?”, I knew Joe was good for that purpose.  My family and friends often comment on my choice of men in the looks department.  Sorry, I’m just not superficial about things like that.  Superficial is for shoes and handbags! 


All in all, I think I left him wondering if I’d really ever give in and be with him (he’s as bad as I am about wondering about the future when we really shouldn’t).  I think he’s afraid I won’t be there when the chips are down.  And, he is SO RIGHT!  We have barely started to know each other.  There is no way to tell something like that until it happens.  As always, I say something and it’s what he was thinking or he says something and that’s what I was thinking.  Mind reading tricks are us!  But, it’s going to be a very long time before I give in and let myself be with someone unconditionally.  I may feel that love inside, but I know that it’s never going to be that easy again.  It took so much out of me to start over after Joe, and M. has beaten me down again.  It’s going to take time to rebuild and I know that Gig is in that same spot.  So how the HELL WILL THIS WORK???





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I started with Ms. Nuts yesterday.  It did not get off to a good start.  There was a serious problem with her urinary tract and she was in severe pain.  She, of course, wouldn’t listen to me and call an ambulance service.  Instead, we spent an hour on the phone calling various doctors and her home health nurse service. 


The home health nurse was very annoying and insisted that I should flush and drain the catheter.  Uh…yeah…no.  I’m not trained in that.  I’m a glorified housekeeper, people!  I’m pretty sure the company insurance doesn’t cover me causing a relentless infection from improper medical procedures which I am not qualified to perform.  I’ve actually done things like this before, but with this client, I’m being very careful to keep myself strictly to the work I am to perform.  When it comes to the crazy, you’ve got to be nice but firm.  I’ve even been wearing scrubs and gloves for everything which I so do not do for Brian.


Finally, the home health nurse told me, and I made her repeat it to Ms. Nuts, that an ambulance should be called.  Ms. Nuts relented and we made the call.  EMT’s arrived about an hour later and I’d had just enough time to clean her up, change her clothing, and remove her soiled bedding before they got there.  One of the EMT’s chatted me up with the old, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” line.  So, it wasn’t all bad. 


Before I got my supervisor on the phone to make a critical incident report, I managed to put on two loads of laundry, make the bed in clean linen, and put a load in the dishwasher.  Grand total earned from that investment?  About $27.  Yep, I didn’t even get a full 3 hours work because the supervisor told me to drop everything and go home.  Great…lovely.  Did I mention that I called the supervisor on my cellphone and then she talked to the client’s sister too on my phone?  The company doesn’t pay for my phone and I only keep a cheap Tracfone because I mostly do a little texting and only use it for emergencies.  Yep, I didn’t even make enough to buy new minutes.  Tres sucky!


As for the date with Dull boy, I sent him a couple of the pictures that I had sent to Gig, and he didn’t complain and suggested I take pics of him (lol ahh men…sometimes they are so easy…I love them so).  Dull boy offered to take a look at the car’s electrical system which I found really sweet, but I refused since it’s been pouring rain all day (suddenly our lights only shine about 5 feet and the battery keeps running down…who knows?  hopefully it’s something simple).  He lives in barracks on the Army base, and he obviously thought his roomate would be out when he made the date.  Instead, I suggested we go for a drive, and he ran upstairs to put the food I had brought away (I made my vegetarian Sesame Chicken last night and he begged me to bring some).  We ended up driving to a movie store in Deridder and he picked up a bunch of dvd’s.  So, despite his roomate, we climbed onto his bed (the only place to sit in that tiny space), and watched Clerks II.  I had no idea it was wall-to-wall sex!  Probably not a best choice for a first date movie, to say the least!  At one point, he jumped up to do something and his camelback (a drinking bottle/backpack contraption) fell down.  He started to sit on it and I reach out to stop him goosing him in the process.  LOL  Now, that was one startled fellow!  I giggled and quickly told him, “You’re sitting on your camelback; I wasn’t trying to feel up your ass.”  He turned beet red.  He’s still rather dull, but kind of cute and he might loosen up.  As I’ve said many times before:  Not everyone does first dates well; that’s why I give them three.  And, Dull boy was literally shaking when he got in my car.


.Gig and I have been talking every night, and getting closer and closer.  But, now, I’m less trusting where he is concerned.  He’s eager to reschedule the date, but I’m holding back.  Maybe, we will get together in a couple of weeks.  As for his Friend, he’s not said another word on that subject, and he’s spent so much time with me that there really isn’t any way he would have much time to talk to her, if any.  Hence, I’m starting to think that his backing out had more to do with his personal fears than her.  Whatev…


.Thanks to Tina and a torrential downpour, I didn’t get to enjoy the loverly high speed internet at Brian’s.  In fact, I haven’t seen him in days.  He was annoyed that we had to leave the minute we came in, but heck, so was I!  Hopefully, tomorrow will be different and I can see all my blogs and my friends!






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I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but I talked to Gig last night on the phone for a few hours.  I was keeping it light, but worked in some important points like ‘I’m not looking for marriage or anything else in particular.’  I wasn’t sure if I had explained why I was going to be married so long, and I decided to really explain that to him.  I like people to know where I am, and I prefer to know where they are.  When you say what something is and are clear about it, you don’t have to wonder all the time and there’s no drama.  I also reminded him that we’ve only been talking a couple of weeks, and that there is no need for him to get too scared yet.


I haven’t really found out much about this Friend of his, but from the way he was talking, I surmised that he went to meet Friend at the Isle of Capri casino, and not to far in, Friend told him that she was talking to another guy as well.  Gig couldn’t say much to that considering he was still texting me (though we hadn’t talked on the phone for a few days…I suspect that he met her that night after we last talked on Friday and after he sent the email).  I’m unsure about the timeline of all this, but either that night or on Saturday, Gig was told by Friend that this other guy had offered her marriage (lol that’s an old one…heck, in my salad days, I used it once or twice…if the guy is lackadaisical you know he’s not really into you and you know where you really stand).  Gig was very much, “Really?  That’s weird for a guy to do that so soon.”  In other words, she made it known that she wanted marriage and he made it obvious that he’s not biting.  I don’t know if throwing up an alleged engagement qualifies as playing mind games, but I don’t think it’s a good practice if you’ve known someone so long that you consider them a friend.  Doesn’t sound like much of a friend at all.  But, it’s also none of my business at the moment.


There are other things going on as well in Gig’s head though.  He talked about his weight last night and how he wants to get it down because he’s got a jelly belly now.  Big whoop!  He’s seen mine enough to know I ain’t in no position to judge!  But, there’s an interesting study that came out a few days ago about men being more self-conscious about their bodies because of repeated exposure to magazines like Maxim and to pornography.  Sure, it was all well and good when it was just the ladies having their body image in the gutter.  Now that it’s affecting guys too, I wonder if anything will be done about it?  Nope?  I didn’t think so.  Better learn to thicken your skin and mentally check yourself, boys.  That’s what we have to do.  Advertising has been the bane of human existence for a while now, and it’s sure to get worse as more methods for introduction of ideas become available.  One day, it’s going to be like a futurist flick like The Fifth Element and advertising will be on such overload that you’ll just blindly follow it.  What do you mean, “We already do that?”  C’est la vie!


Anyhow, what it all boils down to is that Gig seems to be truthful.  That’s great.  Hey, it’s been so long since I met a truthful guy I won’t know what to do with him.  At the same time, I’m not placing any bets on Gig for the long haul.  I’m not a “rush in” kind of girl unless I know someone else is “all in”, and with Gig that would take a long time to ascertain.  Gig has made hints about living arrangements, but very light, light hints.  So, I’m not so sure he isn’t hoping to find someone to live with as well as love.  I so don’t want to be in that position again either.  I’m not saying I wouldn’t go there, but I am saying that it would take a lot to get me there.


As for Dull boy, we have a date tomorrow for an early lunch.  I hope he isn’t expecting much because I haven’t mentioned the size of my ass yet (me thinks I shall go send an email on the subject).  I think he’s really just happy to have anyone to talk to really.  He’s one of the more typical types of soldiers unfortunately.  All soldiers seem to have one thing in common: damaged relationships.  They tend to be a bit needy.  Yes, even the cocky ones are needy the minute they start getting close to you.  So, we’ll see how it goes, but I’m betting it will be a one-off date.


Now, for really interesting news!  Remember Ken?  Muahaha!  Sorry, I couldn’t resist the evil laughter.  I got a message yesterday from a fellow named Jeff.  Jeff has messaged me a few times, but never anything of a “let’s get together nature”.  He seems to act almost in a therapist or guardian angel capacity, and I honestly haven’t figured him out.  But, anytime my “status” indicator dips into an unhappy area, I get a message from him.  Saturday was NOT a happy day, and Jeff sent me a message asking me what was up.  I answered him in general terms and he sent me a message back yesterday asking if I remembered Ken.  Why, yes, I do.  Apparently, Peggy from Oklahoma (the one who was looking at my profile and who I assumed Ken had thrown me over for) has been talking to Jeff and I struck a nerve in their relationship.  Why?  I couldn’t tell ya.  Ken and I were just getting started or so I thought, maybe he thought it was more or maybe Peggy thought it was.  At any rate, Jeff informs me that he counseled Peggy to break it off with Ken; like I care one way or the other.  I just laughed and told him to tell her she could message me anytime she wanted, but that nothing had gotten started really and Ken and I hadn’t had sex or anything like that.  What it all comes down to is that Ken is probably so worried about his erectile dysfunction and so afraid of commitment to anyone that he’s probably never going to break out those little blue pills much less form a real relationship. 


It’s kind of sad.  I always feel badly for people who won’t put themselves out there.  Several people have commented lately that I show some courage in not only putting myself out there and being honest with others, but also, in sticking my neck out time and again.  Wasn’t there a song a few years ago about life being a giant high school situation?  It is so very true.  I sucked at high school drama.  I stood on the outside looking in and gave advice to others.  I was halfway between 25 and 30 when I was sitting in my cold living room feeling the emptiness all around me, and I realized that the way I had been living had done nothing for me.  I made up my mind to study the way other people did it and jump in with both feet.  Thank god for the internet is all I can say.  With the internet, I was able to ease myself into the game and get my footing, but those were in those long ago days when I was hugely overweight.  Now, it seems to be a different ballgame altogether.  I’m starting to think that I need to try some more conventional means of meeting people, but I really, really don’t want to!  I know that after my surgery I will probably do just that, but for now, I’m happy easing back into things and finding my footing yet again.  There’s nothing noble about that, and I certainly don’t feel courageous.  I’m a bundle of nerves over it all, and I feel that way every single first phone call and every single first meeting.  But, I still try to believe in the ‘contented ever after’ scenario if not the ‘happily ever after’ one.  I’m a speculative, reluctant optimist at best, but I try.  It’s really all you can do in this life.


I know there must be more interesting things going on with ya’ll, but I’m stuck at home today on dial-up and trying to rid my computer of malware that M. downloaded (probably from a porn site while my Zonealarm was down) which requires several hours of download time during which I will not be online (unless I want to wait 2 mos. to get this program downloaded).  Hopefully, tomorrow afternoon will be a different story!  🙂

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I can’t be bothered to hand-code this today.  So, bear with me and squint.  Ok?


My date with Gigantor is off.  And, since I can no longer judge anything in my life, I’m going to ask ya’ll to do it for me.  I received an email yesterday evening canceling our date (I just found it this morning) after Gig. and I had been on the phone that evening.  Everything was great.  Conversation was normal.  When we got off the phone to make our respective dinners, he told me to call him back after he finished dinner and showered.  Later when I called, I got voicemail but I figured he’d had to deal with his brother (his brother had some problems for the last few days which led to Gig talking to his ex-girlfriend…apparently she’s friends with Gig’s brother’s steady…he told me all about this and was very above board…I got that “ugghh” feeling but I tried to shake it off because he was talking to me while he was messaging her and it seemed harmless…did I mention that I have a very jealous nature?  I know that about myself and I try to keep it under control, but sometimes it’s hard for me to tell whether someone is up to something or if I’m just being overly suspicious).  Of course, this morning that all changed. 


Now, I’m going to do something that maybe I shouldn’t do, but like I said, I have no sense of judgement anymore.  I need ya’ll to help me out here and interpret.  Say it loud too!  I need to know just how crazy I am.


The following are emails that I’ve received from Gig in the past 3 days.  I feel a little unethical about allowing potentially the whole world to see his private emails, but I figure I own them now.  This first one was in response to my pictures and email about my body issues:


Anna i really like you i think i could possibly fall for you but your fear made me think (and no it’s not cause of your body) lol i’ve started to wander if you’ll be happy with me…i can keep up with you no problem but i’m not as young as i used to be and i’m not sure for how long i can keep up lol so what do ya say about that 😀 i’m never any good at confrontation lol and i always feel bad if i make anyone else feel bad so i normaly find a way to do it making sure noone is hurt or that i don’t have to hear it in your voice…so tell me what your thoughts are…my bro’s havin a crisis lol i’ll call you in a bit when he calls back k


We had several normal days of texts and conversations, but none of a sexual nature (before this we had been in the naughty, sexy talk stage).  This email was also sent the day the things with his brother started, and just prior (as in an hour or so) before we were talking and he told me he was messaging his ex.


Now for this morning’s email calling it all off:


Ok here it goes i guess you’ll say that yes i’m backing out…no it’s not you and no it’s not anything you did or how you look or anything like that and no i’m not giving up i just need some time to think i got a call from an old friend that i tried really hard to be more than friends with and she said she wanted to try it again and i just don’t know now what i really want god help me i’ll probably end up screwing this whole thing up and ending up alone still lmao i’m really sorry that i couldn’t tell you on the phone but i’m not very good with confrontations i just didn’t want to just not show up or not answer the phone or anything…please don’t hate me for this i really am not leading you on i’m just confused right now and don’t wanna make any harsh decissions right now so i’m gonna get dressed and go out whatch my lil brother play pool and chear him on and think ok i’ll call or text you tomorrow when i get a break alright and again i’m so very very sorry 😦  


On the one hand, I can totally get that.  We all remember Joe, right?  It took me about a month to figure out that Joe was just a figment of my imagination.  Yes, he and I still talk occasionally, but things are strained.  I’ve come to believe that Joe’s entrance in my life was the Universe’s way of saying, “The marriage has been over, and you can move on.” 


I can’t fault Gig for having those same questions, I guess.  Heck, I’ve been there.  I’ve been hurt and I’ve been the one inflicting pain.  Part of me thinks that I’m just being set aside for when this old love of his shows her true colors again.  😦  The other thinks that he’s been honest all along and there’s no reason to doubt him now.  But the deepest, darkest part of me, thinks that I really shouldn’t have sent those pictures.  😥


Anybody out there got a crystal ball?

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