Posts Tagged ‘Delta Burke’

Did you miss me?  I know, I’ve been AWOL a lot lately.  There’s really been only one thing going on this week (well, two if you count a chest cold that M. has been fighting since last Saturday…oh the phlegm…or was that the Blob?…eeewwww).  I’ve been writing a paper which is due today, and naturally, I didn’t even start it until about 4 days ago (the hacking from the other side of the bed sent me running in the wee hours…it’s not that I’m particularly gross-out-able but the spitting gets to me after a while…uuugghh).  As it turned out it had to be 20 pages and for once I had picked a topic that forced me to write it from scratch.  Yes, I’m an idiot; usually I just piece something together from other papers I’ve written, but some 18 hours of work later it’s done.  Anyhow, I didn’t think ya’ll would be dying to know the ins and outs of a program designed to spread the Voluntary Simplicity word and provide the poor with charitable donations which would allow them to join local community organizations.  Oy, can you tell my head is still mired in the details?


On to something a bit more mindless…


I was sitting in the parking lot of M.’s school looking at my Harper’s Bazaar mag, and I couldn’t help but think one thing, “Even if I could spend $150 on a bikini, would I?”  You might recall a couple of posts ago when I mentioned how bored I am with my look.  My current look is carefully crafted mind you, and tends to be a mix of bohemian chic occasionally spiffed up with something slinky.  There’s good reason for this.  Tunics, a boho staple, tend to be my best bet since they often have ¾ sleeves and all their emphasis is on the neckline (never get into an arm flab contest with me…I can beat anything you’ve got…thank you gastric bypass…in my next book the mom/serial killer is using nothing but arm flab as her weapon).  I do love them because I throw on some fab dangly earrings, some funky ethnic bracelets, and my knock-off designer sunglasses and away I go looking oh so put together.  But my tunics are starting to get a bit warn and I’m not seeing many that I like in the stores.  This can only mean one thing:  FASHION CRISIS!!! (the alarm sounds as Mama Armflab flies into action flapping her wings as she takes out plus size designers everywhere)


I have simple rules when it comes to my clothing:


1.     It must have a sleeve.  And, I’m not talking about those little cap sleeves they’ve been putting on all the cute t-shirts lately.  (wth is up with that, Walmart?…fat girls need real sleeves!…add $1 to the price and give me a sleeve!)

2.     An interesting neckline is a major plus.  I gots the tatas, and I likes to use them.  They are one of the few good things about extra pounds (though I’ve lost volume in those too…but you roll these suckers up and stuff them into a good bra and it ain’t too shabby).

3.     Everything from my tits to my ankles has to be covered.  I don’t have cankles; I have CANKLES!  Even my calves have drooping skin and it just grosses me out.  And, to paraphrase, Suzanne Sugarbaker (aka Delta Burke on Designing Women), like Grandma said, “If it don’t look good, don’t put it out on your front porch.”

4.     When it comes to bright color or pattern, put it on top.  I also gots a big behonky, and although I don’t mind my big booty, I don’t feel the need to make it my sole focus.  Balance is everything; so when I look at an outfit overall and my eye is immediately drawn to the neckline, top, or shoulders, I know it’s just right.  Therefore, most of the cute screenprinted tops don’t work either with their penchant for putting the printing on the bottom.  Make me bigger around the middle?  No, thanks.

5.     If all else fails, take a picture!  If I’m not sure it looks right, I have someone take a digital picture of me in it.  Then I can judge it better.  I suppose if you have a really hard time judging the outfit instead of your hair, etc., you could cut your head off of the picture to make it easier.  J



Mind you, about a month ago, I found out that we can get our Tricare medical insurance back at a mere $260 a month.  Chances are good it will cover reconstructive plastic surgery (yes that’s me you hear giggling and dancing in the background).  Hopefully, a year or two from now, I won’t have anything but scars in need of coverage.  To quote the geeks, W00t!


However, in the meantime, I’ve got cankles to cover.  Consequently, cooler weather is also my friend, even though I freeze to death most of the time (M. took my temperature the other day and I was 96.9…I didn’t even feel cold…makes me wonder what it is when I’m freezing).  Cooler weather opens up a lot of possibilities with all the jackets and layering:  denim rocker chick, preppie in a vest (striped tank over a mandarin collar tunic) & corduroy coat, Dallas reject in a long faux fur (move over Sue Ellen).  But what do I do now that the boho tunic thing seems to be falling out of fashion favor? 


Yes, I know they’re still doing the Ally McGraw style of 70’s tunics and caftans (I do loves me a caftan…some cute thongs, big earrings, & an updo makes me a very trendy Mrs. Roper), but I long for structure.  I’m not afraid to show my figure.  I just want the outline of it and not the whole show or a giant sack! 



Last night was Tina’s birthday (she’s totally old and was really enjoying this Bahama Mama), so after a dinner at The Landing on Front Street in Natchitoches, LA (home of the movie Steel Magnolias), we drove back through Alexandria (where the aunt in Steel Magnolias was supposed to live…you know the one that made that bleedin’ armadillo cake), and had just enough time to hit Burlington Coat Factory before it closed.  I was on the hunt, and I was seriously disappointed.  What I was really looking for was some Calvin Klein Jeans brand t-shirts (if you know where to find them PLEASE TELL ME).  I found one at Burlington before in a 3x which made it loose enough to cover the flab and all the cool screenprinting was done starting at the shoulder (awesome!), but alas, they had plenty like it in the Misses sizes but none in the big girl sizes.  WHY?  They obviously make them! 


They did a survey a few years ago that said that something like 60% of people wouldn’t mind not having so many fashion seasons, and I’m starting to agree.  Take a look at pattern books and there are lots of designs, but often it’s the fabrics & trims which make the look change from one style to another.  But I just don’t have the time to run myself up 5 or 6 new tops every few months on the trusty sewing machine.


I LOVE fashion.  I do.  I get half a dozen fashion mags a month (Bazaar, Marie Claire, Elle, etc…Bazaar is my favorite for their back page “in & out” section…it will never steer you wrong though I don’t always agree with it…it’s great for those who can’t afford a stylist and are fashion challenged).  But for years I’ve been wondering, where is my store?  Cato’s has a nice selection and so do several other shops that focus on larger sizes (Avenue, Lane Bryant, Roamans, Jessica London, Fashion Bug).  But, inevitably, they have the dowdy-est colors and patterns that make me want to gag, and the more traditional retailers offer up only a few token items for the big girls (and they’re definitely not focusing on covering up my arm flab).  What is a girl to do????  NO, REALLY…TELL ME!



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