Three

Paladin’s away and so I can play.  It’s this or endlessly Clustying “adenomas”.  My Facebook update a couple of days ago was really only the tip of the iceberg around here.  It’s been one long crapfest really. 

It all started last week when Paladin brought a bout of fast ravaging flu in from his CASA meeting.  By the next morning, he was lying on the sofa at death’s door and by 10pm that night it was starting to hit me.  The b**ch of that was that I was scheduled for a CT scan the next morning to rule out the herniated intestine.  This meant that I couldn’t take even a tiny Tylenol for the chills, fever, and puking.  We spent a solid week trying to recuperate and I completely lost my voice for most of it.  Thankfully, I could kind of squeek/talk by the time my supervisors showed up for 2 days of visits. 

During this bout of death, Manjina stuck his head in to mention that the little gal he’d had round the week before was selling BBQ plates.  I innocently said, “For work or charity?”  His answer, “For her high school.”  That was the straw that broke le camel’s back!  Well, that and a couple of home improvement style snafus he became entwined in.  Frankly, it’s time for him to go!  He showed up last September to watch Brian for 3 days (which I paid him to do) and never left.  Paladin hasn’t wanted him here from the beginning but Brian felt obligated to take him in.  This is the end.  I made it very clear to Brian this afternoon that he has a week to find somewhere else to perch.  I don’t think that’s going to be so easy.  Last week when the supervisor was here I told Manjina he’d have to get his things out of Brian’s place because Brain is supposed to live alone.  Instead of just sticking things in Martian’s room, he loaded up the truck and went back to his friend’s flop house.  I’m guessing they told him there was no room at the inn because he was back the next day.  Either way, we have kids to think about and I don’t need any pedophilic crap going on around here.  HELL NO.  I don’t care if that girl was 80.  High schoolers are off limits!  Somebody’s daddy is going to take exception one of these days and shoot his ass and good for them when they do!  Brian’s a little pissy about it, but I told him the same things he used to say to me about Manjina when Mr. Ralph let Manjina walk all over him.  He’s old enough to find his own way in the world and if he ends up on the street too bad.  I AIN’T HAVIN’ IT!

Course, that was just today. 

Last Wednesday was my fertility ultrasound.  I knew something was wrong when the tech’s face fell a little and she asked me if I was sure about the date of my last cycle.  I went home and shook it off.  The next day I got a call that it didn’t look good.  There’s a ovarian cyst on the left ovary and the endometrial lining is abnormally thick.  They’ve set up another ultrasound but they chose a date just days before my cycle.  That doesn’t sound right to me.  I would think they’d want to check it at the same time next month in order to determine if that’s normal for my cycles.  I was in a fog through Thursday and most of Friday crying at the drop of a hat.

Then Friday afternoon came.  Dr. Trexie, the Army surgeon, told me that I don’t have a herniated intestine.  It’s more likely to be a stomach fistula (the old stomach has reattached itself like an alien parasite) or an ulcer.  Depending on the severity of either choice, it means a revision of my gastric bypass.  Thankfully, Trexxie has a lot of experience with gastric bypass complications because his last duty station had a weight loss surgery clinic and his unit specialized in dealing with all their complication cases.  That actually sounds pretty good to me.  Hey if I can’t have babies, I can at least lose enough weight to look like Anna Nicole at her druggiest. 

Then Trexxie hit me with the word: vomit (victim of modern imaging technology).  They’ve found a nodule on my adrenal gland.  He assured me that chances are that it’s absolutely nothing to worry about.  I take GREAT issue with that!  Any tumor…that’s right Doc, call it a nodule if you want but we’re not stupid, we know what that word means…  Any tumor an inch and a half long on a gland that is only the size of a walnut must be having some impact on my health.  So its more tests to rule out cancer, but frankly I want it out either way.  I’ve spent as much time as I could spare looking into the fertility issues and the adrenal adenomas, and I’m wondering if one is impacting the other.  In the military system, they can miss things like that because you’ve got a P.A. working on the fertility test and an M.D. taking care of the adenoma.

So, Thursday I was hit with fertility problems.  By Friday, I might have cancer.  On Saturday morning, Mom was admitted to the hospital ICU for a blood disorder and Manjina had to be taken to the ER for kidney stones while Brian got a much milder version of the flu I’d had. 

All this with the kids here this weekend.  The one thing about kids is they don’t give you time to cry.  So when you’re teaching Indie to put her doll to bed, you have to turn away to wipe the tears.  I worked really hard to keep everything normal for them, but I ached from the strain of it to be honest.  The kids were good.  We took them out for Chinese on Saturday because I couldn’t face cooking and we wanted to prove to them that they could learn to like new things.  That and Paladin loves to show of his chopstick chops.  I was in a semi-coma all weekend but I managed to keep it to myself.  Nothing really bad about Mull for once except that she had obviously been counting change and we paid her support not 5 days before that  Not to mention that Blind Boy should have gotten paid too.  (she left stacks of change on her dashboard where Paladin would notice them…maybe she’d hoped he’d offer her money).  We have also gotten one call for one of her bills being overdue, but Paladin hung up on them before I could tell him to find out what it was about.  You never know if shes been using him for a co-signer without him knowing it. 

Yesterday, we got to see Mom for a few minutes in the ICU.  Her blood developed anti-bodies to some donor blood she had gotten.  She hasn’t had a transfusion in months, and there’s no way of knowing which transfusion was responsible.  Either way, we found out today that the surgeon working on her leg and shoulder has messed up her arm to the point that its never going to be right again (all he had to do to make it right was to splint it…instead he had it just in a sling).  This is the same doctor who constantly kept wanting to help get her into a nursing home and who sent her home too soon from the first leg surgery.  I told Tina that it’s time to call a lawyer.  Let the lawyer look into it and if it’s fishy then it’s time for a lawsuit.  If not, then no harm done. 

It was the weekend from hell.    I don’t know what to do with myself really.  It will be weeks before the other tests are even scheduled because of back logs on base.  In the meantime all I can do is worry and fend off advances from Paladin.  His testosterone came back low last week and the doctor put him on testosterone replacement.  Last night he was doing push ups and crunches in the floor.  He’s constantly trying to hump my leg now.  The Brothers kept giving him a hard time about Roid Rage yesterday on the way home from the ICU.  I’m not sure if I can deal with the teenage version of Paladin constantly wanting to boink me right now. 

Then again, maybe that means all my other wishes will come true.  Mull will fall off a cliff.  The “nodule” will be completely responsible for my fertility issues and will be easily removed resulting in me becoming knocked up at the first hint of spermage.  Then I’ll lose another 100lbs with the revision and the doc in Houston will give me the body of a young Anna Nicole. 

Right now I just feel deep down numb.  There’s nothing to do about anything.  I can’t fix it.  And, I can’t make time move faster either.

Still alive?

In the past 2.5 months, I have been: traveling out of state for a total of 6 weeks to San Antonio/Mississippi/Houston (sorry, I didn’t catch you while we were in Houston Mama, but we literally were there for less than 20 hours total including drive time and appointment), had kids for a little more than 4 weeks, and for funsies there’s been approximately 40 different doctor appointments (me & Paladin combined) with an additional 8 appointments scheduled before February.  It’s taken the past 4 days of relative peace for me to get the house semi-livable (who knew taking down 15 large boxes of Christmas decorations would take so long?  any woman from the past century, that’s who).  I’ve been increasingly exhausted and dissatisfied with my current state of “life”.  Those quotation marks are deserved.  Cuz child this ain’t livin’ by a long shot.  This is EXISTING, pure and simple!

So why did I even bother to get online?  I’m going to be honest.  There have been a few days when I could get online for an hour or two but I haven’t blogged (though, I’ve kept up with you occasionally via the feeds in the Vista sidebar) or Facebooked or even checked email.  Those couple of hours amounted to me being in a semi-vegetative state in front of Youtube watching old BBC sitcoms and longing for the days when my hair got brushed.  I really wouldn’t even want to admit to how little my hair got brushed in the last 2.5 months.  A hair clip is so very forgiving.  I wouldn’t call my desire to curl up into a ball depression.  It’s more of the old Hollywood “check me into the hospital for exhaustion” type of thing but without the heroine addiction.  The last out of state visit was to Houston to see the reconstructive surgeon, and a major concern of his was that I would have a long recovery because he thinks that it’s possible Tricare will cover having my arm flab, thighs, and tummy done (we won’t talk about the giant ass and tits down to my navel left behind).  My thought when he mentioned the horrible, long, painful recovery?  I think visions of sugar plums ACTUALLY danced in my head.  Weeks in bed where I’m not having to do everything for the 14 living people (not counting the 4 legged people in fur coats) who depend on me on a nearly daily basis?  Had a little mini-orgasm just typing that.  I keep longing for normalcy but I’ve finally accepted that our schedule is not now and will not be normal indefinitely.  Paladin and I had a long talk on the way home from Mom’s the other night about how frazzled I am (that’s the perfect word that is).  He’s, of course, afraid that I’m regretting my life and am going to run away with Raoul as soon as my body is resculpted.  Ha!  As if I’d have the energy for that.  I’m still hoping for that me time.  Unfortunately, blogging stopped being that for me some time ago. 

I loved blogging.  I loved meeting new people and building a virtual community.  However, over time blogging became more and more of a committment.  It became another on my neverending lists of tasks to complete.  The two hours out of my day to keep up with blog friends and writing was the first casualty of my new life.  I understand completely the laments of other bloggers who hate to see their blog friends move on after sharing their misadventures of singlehood or infertility.  Those of us who get lost in the real world miss you as much as you miss us.  I’ve been avoiding blogging because I couldn’t see any way to have my cake and eat it without regret.  For a long time, I’ve debated shutting down the blog entirely.  I thought about just doing the Facebook thing, but I still hate FB and there are things that I don’t want some people on FB to know because frankly, they aren’t as close to me as ya’ll are/were.  For those of you with the job, the kids, and the community functions who still blog and keep up with everything: WTH?  I’d have to grow an extra arm out of my ass and a have a secondary brain implanted with it. 

So, we’ve established that I can’t blog anymore.  At least, I can’t blog the way I used to.  I can’t spare the hours out of my life to blog when I’m lucky to shave my pits once a week.  It’s a matter of priorities.  I need to be a priority and you need to be a priority for me too.  So, I’m going to try something that sounds absolutely exhausting: I’m going to post AT LEAST twice a month and Facebook AT LEAST twice a week.  I know.  Sounds like a total cop out, but if I find that there are weeks when I have time enough for me and time enough to blog: great!  If not, I won’t want to have myself horse-whipped for letting anyone down.  I’m not going to promise to read or reply to your every post, but I’m going to skim like my life depended on it.  I realize that some people will defriend me or whatever, but screw ‘em.  Frankly, if no one wants to talk to me, that’s fine by me.  It won’t hurt my feelings a bit.  For God’s sake, if I’ve missed something vital like death, illness, or birth (and chances are that I have), don’t hesitate to point it out to me.  I’m used to sticking my foot in my mouth.  Otherwise, the best I can do is a heartfelt try these days.  If nothing else, you may enjoy lurking around to watch the train wreck!

So here’s an ultra-quick catch up on my last 2 to 3 months of life:

Paladin had facial reanimation and vocal chord implant surgeries which were largely successful.  However, one eye hasn’t closed properly, and we’re going to have to do something about it.  I don’t doubt that you’ll be seeing us again before you know it, Tabitha.

Mom’s leg is healed enough for her doctor to give her the ok to put weight on it.  Mom won’t go back to the rehab hospital though.    Not even when little 3 yr. old Indie stood by her bed and said, “Gramma you gots to go to the hospital to walk.”  The old bitty looked that 3 yr. old right in the eye and told her, “No!”  I did get her to promise the little girls that she’d work on rehab at home though and I plan to hold it over her head BIG TIME!

Brian’s brother, Jon spent almost 2 weeks in ICU with pneumonia, but he’s back here and feeling ok enough to drag in some ho the other night.  Actually, I’m not sure she was old enough to be a ho.  She looked about 12.

My camera stopped taking video right in the freakin’ middle of Christmas!  It especially sucked since we had just put a swing up in the big oak tree out back.  Now, I’ve lost the looks of absolute joy on the little girl’s faces as they had their first swing of their very own.    I hope I never forget the squeals and laughter which were enhanced by it swinging slightly crooked.  I looked out the backdoor the next day to find that Indie had pulled a yard chair up and was trying to jump onto the swing.  I caught her just in time!

Paladin is getting a surgery consult soon for a vasectomy reversal.  He’s been cautioned that it’s unlikely to be approved because of his age and his radiation therapy.  His thought on the subject?  “You know at your age we could have at least 5 more!”  Ummm…idiocy runs deeply in this one.

I have a surgery consult this week myself for a chronic herniated intestine (the intestines try to play peekaboo with the gap between the old stomach and the new stomach).  The lovely folks on base are drooling to play with my innards.  They gonna play hell!  I ain’t got enough stomach left to play around with.  So, we’ll see how that goes.  Next week, I get to do a fertility ultrasound.  Oh and they’re going to check my cataract.   That’s right.  I’m that freakin’ old.  My eye doctor told me I’ve got a cataract on my left eye and that in just a couple of years I’ll need bifocals.  How does one respond to that?  Just tell me!  How?

My cousin Flaxen, of the beaten up by her ex-Marine boyfriend in front of her 4 yr. old son post, not only dropped the charges against the man, but is now very much pregnant by him.  It’s getting uglier every day with the back and forth, but she’s still taking care of herself better than I expected.

My Dad was put in jail for over a week and put on suicide watch.  That’s notable, I think.  Doh, aka Golddigging Step-barf-mother, had apparently called the cops on him one night and it took more than a week for him to be seen by a psychologist who immediately cleared him and denied Doh’s claim of incompetence.  They split up, but it looks like he’s going back to her now.  Yeah, nothing like trying to put someone away as incompetent to show your love.

My friend Susan emailed me the other day that her baby girl has just been diagnosed with cerebral palsy and may have leukemia. 

Paladin has also joined CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates for abused children) and I’ll have my Tuesday nights Paladin-less for a while.

As for the kids situation: 

I’ll start from the beginning.  As soon as Paladin and I were married we went in to the Social Security office and filed the paperwork with them.  This stopped Mull’s part of the SSI check.  The other day we found out that she has secretly married blind boy (why is it a secret from everyone including the little girls?  WHO KNOWS WITH HER! you’d think it would give them a better sense of security if anything).  Coincidentally, she “decided” to marry him the minute her SSI got cut off.  Then she found out the same way I did that she don’t get jack unless she has another baby with Blind Boy.  Guess who is planning to add to the brood?  Yeah, stellar plan Mull.

Mull is also desperately looking for a new place to live.  She moved into the trailer park about a year ago and we’re guessing that her lease is coming up.  The fly in that ointment?  She’s lost her job at the shoe store.  How is that a fly you ask?  At Thanksgiving Indie showed up in new shoes.  They were light up Sketchers Dora and from the shoe store where Mull works.  These were not cheap shoes.  Similar, non-Dora, non-light up Sketchers sell for $20 at the outlet store down the road and that is a rock bottom price for them.  Mull ain’t never in her life spent $20 on a pair of shoes for the little girls (for the older kids she will…because they know the difference and she can’t get away with that crap).  This was highly suspicious.  Next thing we know, Mull isn’t at work.  She hasn’t worked for a month.  No explanation for anyone, not even the kids.  I think you see where I’m going with this one.  I suspect that she either stole the shoes outright or mislabeled them and took them at a cheap price and got caught.  It’s that or she doesn’t work if she’s married.  What does this have to do with looking for a new place to live?  The German folks that run the trailer park know the ones who gave her the job at the shoe store.  It’s like I’ve said all along: give her time and she’ll out herself for the trash she is.

Speaking of just how trashy Mull is let this be the example:  Just before Christmas, the little girls came in telling us how Mull had taken them to a special store and got this little girl a new bike, and a computer thing, and new clothes all for Christmas.  Well, I was crestfallen.  The best we could do for Savvy and Blondie was used bikes that we fixed up and now one of them was going to get a new bike at home from some type of Toys for Tots program.  So, on Christmas, I braced for the inevitable, “I got a new bike at the trailer.”  I need not have worried.  The children never got their presents.  Mull bought the little girls checkers and a $3 Littlest pet shop game; she didn’t spend even $20 on each of the 3 little ones.  The teenagers got $100 guitar hero games and a used PSP.  What happened to the bike and computer thing and new clothes?  We’re guessing she sold their Christmas presents.  Yeah, every time you think she can’t go lower…

Can I end on a happy note or what?

P.S.- Paladin says I shouldn’t end on a downer and that I didn’t tell you that the kids had a great Christmas here.  Actually, they had a great Christmas Eve (one present and a dinner) here, a great Christmas morning here (with actual jawdropping when they saw their used bikes), and a great Christmas day at Mom’s.  That’s a total of 2 giant stockings of candy.  Did I mention that I even managed to make stockings for all of us in the middle of doctor appointments?  They came out great too!  I hope I took a picture.  They were here so much that some of the many lessons I’ve been teaching them like knock before opening a door, close the door when you’re dressing, and saying “please” and “thank you” actually took hold.  I don’t expect them to still do them when they get back this weekend.  After the first 2 weeks of Mull being at home, they had all regressed a great deal.  Indie kept hiding under tables and Blondie just kept wanting to know when she could go back.    I wish she’d get another job or leave them in a field.  Being raised by wolves would be better than having her around!  So much for Paladin’s non-downer.

I hate Vista

Paladin’s laptop is driving me insane.  There’s a reason I prefer a desktop pc.  It’s like sitting in front of a typewriter.  The laptop is not only Vista-screwy but the connection here at the hotel is iffy at times.  When it is good, I come to the realization that Paladin is a computer hog.  lol  He lives and breathes the newspaper and now he’s gotten into Facebook.  I don’t mind that much.  It’s just that at home there’s a computer for each of us and when he’s doing his thing I can be doing mine.  Here I’m stuck watching Maury Povich which truly must be a fate worse than death.  And those few moments when Paladin does go offline, I mostly spend trying to medicate him or rubbing his neck.  I don’t mind that bit though.  I don’t even mind his dvd choice of two seasons of Greatest American Hero.  Obviously, I’m whipped.

If you’ve got Facebook, you may have seen my “I married Chunk from the Goonies” comment.  I swear on a stack of Bibles that is precisely what he looked like for the first 2 days!  Only worse because he is also bloody and stapled.  I took pictures but this stupid laptop takes an act of God to get them from the camera to a file to a file that will actually open it.  Lovely.  Still, I paint a pretty picture, non?  I keep messing with him that he looks like Cher on the left side of his head.  The kicker is that because of the way they did the “facial re-animation” he looks happy all the time on that side.  I’m going to have to figure out his “angry face” all over again.  Now, the best he can do is “wryly bemused”.  lol  The cool part is that when he is drugged up we kiss and he tries to feel me up.  He gets all mushy because I’m here taking care of him.  To which, I usually reply, “What else would I do?”  Then there’s this flash across his face and I realize that he’s thinking of Mull and how she’d left him alone through the vast majority of his brain tumor treatment.  You know, they even LOST HIM for about a week when he was at Walter Reid and she just didn’t answer the phone or give a sh*t!  That’s just inhuman!  So, I definitely don’t mind him going mushy.  He gets this look on his face like “I can’t get any luckier than this” and it makes me melt.  All that would be even better if we hadn’t been surprised by a little factoid the day before the surgery:  NO SEX FOR 6 WEEKS!  How do they not mention this?  Uh, hello!  That’s a slightly important bit of info!  I know that we’re not exactly newlyweds since we’ve been together almost a year now, but it was important information to us.  The day before they dropped this bomb, Paladin had been talking about a day or two of *ahem* honeymooning.  That’s out now.

Pre-surgery, we actually got out for an hour or so to meet up with Tabitha.  Hi, Tabi!  *waving* It’s the first time I’ve met a blog friend.  And, you know what I realized after?  Totally forgot the camera!  Tres sucky!  I’m so going to take a camera next time.  And, we will be getting over to her place.  I’d have gone yesterday, but Paladin feels like crap and I hate to leave him alone that way. 

I have such cabin fever.  I talked myself out of dragging along my 100lb. sewing machine, and I have nothing constructive to do.  Paladin mentioned going out to see the sights, but I’m quite dubious about driving around here.  Although I braved the Saturday traffic to pick him up from Wilford Hall and I only almost got into an accident once!  I maintain it was the other lady’s fault.  Why would you sit in someone’s blindspot and leave just enough space between you and the car ahead of you as to give them the impression that the person behind you was letting them in?  I had a blinker on.  Didn’t you think that might mean I was moving over?  I think I quite literally scared the crap out of her.  It’s a good thing they shot Paladin up with Demerol right before we left.  lol  I’m not much on cities or on sightseeing.  I’m a lousy vacationer.  I’m not sure I know how it’s supposed to work.  My idea of time off is 2 days in a dark room with good cable & movies and lots of sleep.  But 2 days is about all I can take of that.  That’s as long as I can be a slug.  I wish I could rent a dog or a garden or something!  This thumb twiddling is getting to me.  The kicker is that we have appointments for every single day.  So, you lose about 4 hours out of each day between getting to the shuttle to Wilford Hall and then the appointment and then getting the shuttle back to BAMC.  So what do you really get a chance to do?  Keep in mind that we’re old and pretty much roll things up when the sun goes down.  Sad but true. 

Did I mention that?  The Ft. Hood shooter is right next door.  That’s a pain.  We carry stuff with us everywhere.  We’re old.  It’s a requirement.  And, now every time we move somebody wants to look at our bags.  I’m still wondering why they didn’t take him to Walter Reid. 

Eh, I’m rambling.  And now I’ve run out of time.  I’ve got to go wake up, Cher and get him ready for the next appointment.  Byes!

Wedding Day #2

Paladin is off at therapy.  I just realized that I haven’t been here in like 2 weeks.  Ya’ll need a quick catch up.  So here goes: 

* We’re doing a menage a therapist thing now.  That’s right.  It takes 3 of them for us.  lol  Nah, it’s not quite that dire.  Dr. Mark went on a rotation for 2 months and handed us off to Dr. Max and Dr. Randy.  Dr. Randy is just for Paladin.  That was good because a fair amount of our time in therapy was being spent as one on one time between Paladin and the docs.  He needed his own thing for a while to sort through everything he’s gone through since his illness began all those years ago and to build this new life and find a direction for himself after his forced medical-retirement.  I kind of wish I were there though.  Paladin has significant short term memory loss, and I’m not there to be his short term memory bank.  As for Paladin and I, there are still issues but they are no longer BIG fights.  Just small quiet ones.  That’s progress.  Right?  Eh…

* Brian’s truck broke down and we spent several days shuttling his brother, Manjina around to temp jobs.  Manjina finally got enough cash together and the truck is back on the road… for now.  Brian’s step-brother, Ralph Jr., wants the truck back and since the VA has now taken Brian’s entire $900+ check, it’s a matter of time before the crap hits the fan on that one.  We’re keeping our fingers crossed that it happens off our property.

* The last kids weekend was spent coloring pumpkins (we’ll carve them this Saturday) and then Sunday after church, we had a picnic/tea party.  They had fun and I took a bunch of video for Youtube (honeywine2000 is the username if you’re curious) to send to the grandparents.  Paladin’s Dad got very emotional over the video.  He is a sweet man.  He and Paladin are both big ol’ girls. 

* Here’s another kick in the lady balls for those of us with no children.  Did you know that if you’re married to someone on Social Security disability you only get benefits if you have children with them or are 62 or older?  Isn’t that lovely?  Doesn’t that fall under some sort of discrimination?  Seriously?

* Then Tina called asking if I’d talked to our Dad recently.  I haven’t.  Heck, I barely get the time to scratch my own butt half the time.  Tina couldn’t get anyone on the phone for a couple of days and finally started calling around.  Where was Dad?  JAIL!  Why?  Apparently, he and Step-slag got into it and he threatened to off himself.  She had the cops take him away.  I guess there’s a backlog of some sort because he’s been in jail a week now in protective custody waiting to see the regional head-shrinker.  Tina called Uncle Jim who lost his mind over this.  I was even surprised at the names he was calling the Step-slag.  At any rate, the last I heard a few of my uncles were getting together to go break him out.  Tina, Uncle Jim, and I have all offered to put him up over here.  Step-slag isn’t answering at their place in Mississippi and for all we know, she’s jumped ship with the contents of the house.  I guess he’s taking too long to kick the bucket.  All those multiple insurance policies must be getting expensive to keep up.  So, I guess I’ll find out eventually what’s going on there. 

* We’re also busting our humps to get everything around here done in preparation for spending more than 2 weeks in San Antonio starting the middle of next week.  A lot of it is that little stuff you do to get ready for winter like build a dog house and take out the air conditioners and repair a broken window.  But, when you’re trying to get all of that done, keeping several medical appointments, taking care of the kids, and taking care of paper work (Paladin is still trying to get his TDY crap fixed…we decided to get an advance for the trip because they’re backed up on TDY payoffs to the point that if we’re lucky we’ll get our last 2 TDY payments sometime in 2010), it all gets to the point where you don’t know what you’re doing from one minute to the next.  I haven’t even thought about what to pack yet!  And then there was special paperwork.

Yep, it took us forever and a day, but we finally got wedding 2 done.    I think it was my favorite.  It was sweet and simple and something of an international affair at that!  We just headed up to Natchitoches to Front Street and had the parish Justice of the Peace meet us there.  Front Street has such great scenery and even though it was a wet morning, we got great pictures.  We even had a local photographer who is also the Cane River Heritage Area office manager pop out and take a few pics for us and she posted them online here.  Then an older gentleman popped out and took our picture telling us that he only spoke French.  Before I could use my extremely limited high school French to ask “French Canadian or France?”, he disappeared.  Then when we went into the Les Saison candy shop for our wedding dessert (handmade chocolate truffles…mmm…so good…I get at least one every time I go), we were congratulated by a gal from London.  We were a real sight, I guess, because people were stopping and waving.  I do love living in the South sometimes.    Everyone seemed so happy to see us everywhere we went.  I would have thought they’d be jaded seeing people taking wedding pictures all the time on Front Street.  It was truly lovely.  It made me wish I’d skipped the first wedding and just had this one.  We had lunch at The Landing and then before heading home, Tina and I went into the local Goodwill.  If we were a sight on Front Street, we must have been something else at the Goodwill!  lol  One lady stopped me and asked if I was buying my dress because she was putting on a bride of Christ passion play.    I’ll say it again:  I love the South.  Just to put the cherry on top of such a Southern experience, I bought several pairs of tap shoes for my Borrowed Girls (they look just like plain mary janes and I was desperate to find them inexpensive dress shoes for the holidays).  On the way back, we stopped at the Nat’l. Guard Armory and Tina dropped off the last of the ex-husband’s things (he’d left some stuff including his paternal grandfather’s coins behind and I wanted to make sure he got them before they deploy in the next couple of months) and he told her that his maternal grandfather died back in May shortly after he’d moved out.  I feel really sorry for them.  I loved his grandfather.  I really did.  Then, after all of that, we stopped at Mom’s to drop Tina off.  I wish I’d had the camera running because Mom was so happy she was about to jump out of her skin.  She said, “So now I really CAN say that they’re my grandkids!”  I just told her that I thought she already was.   They’ve been calling her Grandma for months now.  It was just a really happy day.  And here’s the proof:

Of course, if you’re on my Facebook, there should have been a link to all the photos over on Walmart’s site.  I won’t even lie and begin to promise to talk to everyone any time soon.  I’m hoping that with all the down time stuck in the hotel room in San Antonio that I can catch up for a while at least.  I’ll talk to you soon-ish though! 

Shopping, It’s like gambling

only you win EVERY TIME! 

Somewhere some shopping addicted soul just clicked on this blog and wanted to slap me.  I don’t blame them a bit.

The best part about visiting the neurosurgeon in Baton Rouge?  The gorgeous lean dark-haired, piercing-eyed doctor?  Well, no.  But that was close!  Daaaaannng…he were HOT.  And, no ring!  For a split second, I wondered how quickly and quietly my wedding ring could be slipped off and stowed in my pocket.  Hey, Paladin, at least, I wasn’t thinking of tossing it at you and jumping onto the doc’s lap.  Ok, for a minute.  Seriously.  He was HOT. 

The best part of visiting the neurosurgeon was that he was next to a shopping center!  A very chic, shopping center at that.  It was the kind of place where you go to look, and then go to Filene’s Basement to buy.  Is that just me?  I should have been born Jewish.  Clearly.  It was filled with boutiques ala Melrose Place, but it also had a few places that you could afford to buy at like Barnes & Noble, White House Black Market, and a cinema and lots of restaurant grills which I realize were also a mix of prices.  For someone who isn’t as penny pinching as me, it would just be normal.  But as Rose from the Golden Girls once put it, I can squeeze a nickel til the buffalo poops!  In general, I do not do full price.  Homey don’t play that.  So when I caught sight of a little place I call heaven, I thought, “I’ll look, but I won’t even THINK of buying unless they have a clearance section.”  Then the pearly gates opened…

Heaven also goes by the name: Charming Charlie’s.  How?  How did you Texas girls not tell me about this???  I would drive to it.  I don’t care that it’s three hours away!  It’s like It’s Fashion (a black girl version of Cato…in other words: Cool…owned by the same company as Cato), but just for accessories.  They have some clothes but nothing over a large.  The main focus is on accessories and I just cannot fully explain to you how awesome this place is.  I could have dropped $300 in 20 minutes flat, and I wouldn’t have been sorry!  The handbags were so very of the moment and most were only $35 and decent quality at that!  The jewelry stole my heart, though.  It’s mostly costume jewelry, but again, it’s good quality and cheap.  I got this for $10:

The turquoise enamel is thick, the crystals on the edges of the petals are well set, and the faux pearl doesn’t look too “faux” if you get my drift.  Although all of their rings are on adjustable or elastic beaded bands, this is a piece that I can tell will last for many years to come.  In fact, pretty much every piece I handled had good quality construction and value.  In this day and age, that’s like finding $20 laying on the street.  I could have covered over half my Christmas list with less than $200, and everyone on it would have thought I’d spent double that.  The good news is there’s a shop in San Antonio, but it’s near the surely chic La Cantera Golf Course and I have no idea how to get to it.  Hmmm…dilemma.  Charming Charlie’s alone would have made the trip worth it, but then came Madeleine…

La Madeleine to be precise.  I’ll admit it.  I wasn’t impressed.  Not one bit.  I was very put off that la Madeleine turned out to be a cafeteria.  The food was good and because they had a 2 for $7.99 deal going, it was a good deal (as in cheap for that shishi shopping center).  I saw the desserts right up front and since a couple of the mini-tarts were only $1.59, I thought, “Well, I’ll try them.”  I had the rather sweet but vacant girl behind the counter box up a mini-creme brulee tart, a mini-fruit custard tart, and one slice of Sacher Torte ($3.99), and we went ahead and got our trays and had our lunch.  Like I said, I wasn’t impressed especially and I was a little put out that Miss Sweet but Vacant saw us standing there with menu’s for a very long time (the set up at the front door looked like you should wait to be seated) without saying, “Hi, can I help you?”  Instead she just watched us warily.  Finally, we just sat down assuming that the service was crap and someone would notice us seated in their station and say something.  Instead, I notice the ladies next to us had a cafeteria tray, asked her about it, and she explained that it was cafeteria style.  Like I said, Madeleine didn’t have me.  Then we headed out on the interstate and I opened the box.  I can’t say they are the finest, but they were VERY good pastries.  In the rural area we live in, that kind of thing isn’t lurking around every corner.  The raspberry glaze between the layers of chocolate torte made me exclaim; it made me groan in pleasure.  Uh yeah.  I’ll go again if I get a chance!  Besides, they had the best vegetarian choices in the area.

All in all, we had a fruitful day out on Thursday.  We talked and hopefully made just a little more headway in identifying our issues.  We had a nice lunch which turned into a fabulous evening of dessert.  And, I shopped!  I got my ring above and Christmas gifts for Bell and Martian:  a Victorian/goth choker & earring set and a wind-up summo wrestler game.  I’ll let you figure out which one got which gift.  When I came home with the summo wrestler game, I had to make sure it worked (it’s was only $5 on clearance) and Brian’s brother Jon and I started playing with it.  It could be addictive.  I had to make myself put it up.  It was awesome!

Know who else is awesome?  La Dishy!  She gave me this award, and it made my day.  It really did.  It kind of makes me want to make my own award.  Maybe I could use a sumo wrestler in it! 

The only thing is that I got caught up in my own existence and now this lovely award has made its way to pretty much everybody over there on the side.  Hmmm…what to do.  I hate to repeat even if the ones receiving it are awesome enough to get it twice!  So, I’m going to do a total cop-out and tell anyone who hasn’t gotten it yet to have at it.  Just be sure to link back to Dishy and/or myself. 

Say more

Yeah, there is some crap going on between Paladin and I.  Yeah, I know.  Surprise.  Surprise.  But, we’ve come to terms.  I got him talking.  It’s weird.  This is a man who never shuts up (sorry, hon…but you know you can keep up a conversation!) if the topic is politics or scifi or travel or the state of the world in general, and I discovered yesterday on our 3 hr. drive to Baton Rouge that he’s been holding things in.  How did that happen? 

We’ve been talking for 3 days, actually.  It started a few nights ago when I tried to open up to him about why I haven’t been rushing to the altar (the legal altar anyhow).  My supervisor, Chelsea came out for a visit last week (we’ll call her that because she could pass for Chelsea Handler ANY day…so much so that I have to stop myself from calling her that in person).  Chelsea and I got to talking about fertility issues (she can’t have any more children) and baby mama drama (she has it worse than me…if Paladin had the gall to still be helping Mull out with every little mini-tragedy for 4 yrs, it would be more than over…it would be “look who just lost his last ball” over).  She was talking about having guardianship of her neice for the first year and a half of the child’s life only to have the baby’s mother come back and take her (it’s a story I’ve seen unfold in my own family more than once…apparently, an unfit ho means jack to CPS any where in any state…as long as there’s somebody there trying to protect them, CPS ignores it until the kid is in the emergency room).  Chelsea said to me, “She was our blessing.”  It’s a phrase I’ve heard before, but for some reason, it hit me.  It made me think about what my blessing was, about who was most important to me, and about who in my life got ALL of me.  Sadly, I could only answer, Pascal. 

Paladin and I have been working on trust issues where the kids and Mull are concerned for our entire relationship.  At first, I waited it out.  I thought that with time he’d trust me to be his main supporter, his cheerleader, his blessing.  Instead, I’m just on the list.  I’ll be kind and say that I’m on the list NEXT to the children, but in truth, I feel that I’m beneath them.  I hate to be religious about it, but there’s no religion in the world that tells people to place their children above their significant other.  At best, and Paladin has said this more than once, we are supposed to be partners who then care for those children.  That’s what’s been said between the two of us, but as my post earlier this week pointed out, when we make decisions, he’s going off and ignoring them.  After a lot of talking (and he’s been saying some of this stuff for a long time and it just finally clicked for me), he explained that when we come to a decision he’s treating me as a General:  we conclude what the goal is and then he gets on the ground and adapts to the actual situation.  In other words, what I thought were decisions that we were making together was just me giving him advice.  I thought they were conclusions but they were just ideas we were brainstorming.  I called him on it.  That’s not a partnership.  That is why I haven’t trusted him on this issue (the ONLY trust issue I have with him).  When I ask him why he doesn’t trust me, he has no answer; there’s nothing he can point to.  In his words, “It’s nothing you’ve done.”  Every time this came up previously, he has taken it as me attacking the kids, as me being jealous of the kids.  I can’t say that I’ve never felt a twinge of jealousy where they are concerned but the jealousy I’ve felt was never over him; it was over being jealous that they aren’t mine too. 

The reason I haven’t been in a rush to make things legal is because I’ve seen his face when the test was negative and it brought back so many horrible memories, so much pain.  So much pain.  At the same time, I want to hurry.  I want to strap myself into the gyno’s stirrups with break neck speed!  I have felt the uncertainty of passing time every-single-day for FIVE years now.  I know what I’m in for.  I know what I’m up against.  And, I know that he isn’t up against that.  For him, this child, our child would just be another in a line.  I know he would love that child but it wouldn’t be his only child.  In his eyes, each and every one of his children are special to him in some way.  But, I see it in them: they don’t FEEL special.  Each and every one of those kids is fighting to be singled out from the herd, to know that they are special.  That’s something our child would never have to face because they will have extended family and me proving to them that they are special (yeah, I’m the crazy dog lady and I wonder if Pascal can handle it too…shut up!), and I know that there would be so much turmoil because of that.  I know from what I’ve already seen (much of it over Pascal!) that Paladin would feel displaced and that his children would be jealous even if only subconsciously.  Some of that happens even in nuclear families, and I can deal with it but I’m also not going to deny that our circumstances will make that 10 times harder.  Yes, even with all of that, I know that the second I sign the insurance forms as Mrs. Paladin, the stopwatch will start.  I’ll know that at any moment I can start trying with a simple phone call for an appointment.  And, I feel like there is jack and sh*t I can do about it now.  For the next 100 days, we are booked with Paladin’s surgeries and the kids here for the holidays.  100 days.  It’s a lifetime to wait.  It’s going to up the hormone ante by zillions for me.  For the last year, every Auntie visit has been devoid of emotion, and now it won’t be. 

Yeah, everything in our life has been dictated by his medical issues and his kids.  I won’t lie and say there isn’t some resentment about that.  I hate using that word too.  Paladin has a chip on his shoulder about “resentment”.  No, hon, I don’t blame you for that.  I’ve let it be like that.  My mother was in ICU and I put you and the kids FIRST and I’ve felt nothing but horrible guilt over it ever since.  I wasn’t there when they told my sister that my mother would probably never walk again.  I don’t get to fix that.  I don’t get to change that.  I haven’t asked to be put first.  I’ve only asked to be a team.  Maybe that needs to change.  I want to start trying the day after we sign the papers.  There.  I finally admitted it.  I know what you’ll say is, “That’s fine; I want you to have this and I want this child too.”  The truth is that I feel responsible for making this family of ours work and this will change the precarious balance we have.  It will be harder and I can’t do it all alone.  You have to show me that you can do this and that this will be your highest priority too.  Yeah, I said it.  I’m demanding that us getting pregnant be the first thing on the list.  I’m not saying I want to cancel your surgeries or cancel Christmas.  I’m saying that you need to be there pushing for this as hard as I am.  It’s going to be ugly.  It’s going to be so very ugly.  You have no idea what you’re up against.  And, no, you won’t feel it the way I will, but I need you to man-up and be completely behind me or I won’t make it through trying again.  I just don’t think I can.  I need you with me 100% here.  More than you can even imagine.  Think of it as my own personal brain tumor.

When, Paladin finally started talking yesterday he went into his usual, “Let’s just end this.”  I’m trying to get him to see that wanting to throw everything away and hide is depression and it’s been his shadow for a very long time now.  I’ve talked to him about taking a therapy session for himself each week in addition to our therapy session together.  I hope he will go through with it.  He’s not dealt with his illness, with Mull hurting him so deeply, with the loss of his life as he knew it, with his forced retirement…I could go on and on.  Basically, the last few years of his life have been hanging around his neck, and he has blinded himself to that with everything he could find.  Now, I’m here to take up some of the day-to-day stuff and he can’t find enough desperately important things to keep him from having to face up to those years.  In some ways, the denial has gone as far as it can. 

As the day went into night and we drove back toward home, Paladin explained to me how worried he was that if something happened to him during his surgeries without us being married that everything could end up in Mull’s hands (the house mainly since her name is still on the mortgage…but in reality, there’s a divorce decree saying she doesn’t get the house…he doesn’t want me to have to fight her in court though).  I didn’t know that.  I didn’t know that was on his mind for the last few weeks.  He hadn’t been pushing me toward the altar and I hadn’t wanted to bring it up because of the fear of ttc’ing again.  For two people who talk constantly, we need to say a lot more.

 

P.S.- By the way, I promise the next post will actually be fun.  I found the greatest shopping in Baton Rouge and I cannot wait to talk about it!!!  And, I very much want to give out award gifties! 

Avoidance

It’s a good thing.  There.  I said it.  I should remember to do it more often.  If you avoid the conversations, you don’t have to talk about it.  You don’t have to remember the pain.  Denial is good.

 

P.S.- I haven’t forgotten Dishy’s lovely gift.  I’m going to pre-post something for the weekend.

Long, short, ugly.

Indie: Bite me, Dad.  Bite me, Anna. (a quick nibble by each of us) Now, fire!

 

I’m guessing it was a mistake to let her sit with us while we watched the schlocky 60’s vampire flick.  She would have to pay attention for the 2 minutes of movie where the Van Helsing-esque character gets bitten and then sets his own arm on fire.  Oh well, if I can forgive her giving us her cold, I can hope that she’ll forget that 2 minutes.  I’d worry about it more but they live in a trailer with no fireplace or anything.  If Mull leaves out candles for her to stick her arm into, somebody should get their ass handed to them.  I can totally forgive her for my swollen glands and itchy throat and the snot that will soon follow.  She’s developed a fondness for kisses.  She wants to give you a dozen kisses all at once.  It’s heaven. 

Mull didn’t wait to start crap.  She got an early go of it on Thursday by once again demanding that Paladin give up custody of the children to a church friend rather than her because she was going to be working until 11pm Sunday.  Ummm, NO!  A thousand times no!  How many times does she have to be told how chain of custody works?  I guess she figured that since the agreement was finalized, Paladin would let her do whatever she wants.  He told her “ok” to shut her up because they were in the Army DEERS office and he didn’t want to start a scene.  This touched off a discussion (not quite a fight but hard feelings nonetheless) between he and I.  He intended to agree to shut her up and then take it up with her when he picked up the kids.  I hate that.  I hate that he gives her even an inch because she pushes that inch just as far as she can.  It didn’t escalate into a blow up between us and that’s got to show some progress on the therapy front.  So when Paladin picked up the kids, he pulled out the agreement and explained to her that the section she was pointing out actually meant that whoever had the kids was responsible for getting them to their activities NOT that she could send any serial killer she found to pick them up.  As usual, she made things hard when they didn’t have to be.  We just kept the kids longer than usual and took them to church ourselves.  Simple.  This could all be easier Mull.  We want to help.  Stop being a bitch.  We overlook you being a whore.  At least for the moment.  Lo and behold, Mull got off work at 6.  Did I mention that the store she works at closes at 6 on Sundays?  It’s not like they don’t post that right on the door, Mull.  If you wanted to go home and have some extra time alone with Blind Ass Idiot Boy, just send the kids things.  We’ve told you a million times that we want any extra time with them we can get.  I’m guessing that’s pretty much the definition of “ass monkey”.  *sigh*

The kids were great.  Savvy’s 9th birthday was Friday.  We promised her we’d bring treats to her Girl Scout meeting.  Paladin sat out there waiting for people to show up for half an hour before he finally tracked down the Preacher & his wife who told him it had been canceled.  Gee, and Mull didn’t call.  Odd.  Savvy, fortunately, has the attention span of a fruitfly, and was so thrilled with her Hanna Montana fest that she wasn’t upset by missing out on a birthday party at Girl Scouts.  Nearly every single thing she got was Hanna Montana.  She was so excited when she found out that because we have them on Halloween she gets to be Hanna Montana for trick-or-treat.  Mull hates Hanna Montana and won’t let her watch it or have anything Hanna Montana.  Why?  I mean, it’s annoying as hell, but the kid loves it.  Let her have this.  I got her a locking diary.  It was something she mentioned once and I kept it in mind for her birthday.  She was thrilled.  She got all hot tween stuff here and Mull got her a Barbie doll so she got little girl stuff there.  So, all the bases were covered.

Sunday was more crap (I need to find a better way to describe this little annoying stuff).  Savvy was campaigning heavily to be signed up at church to be a helper in the little kids class.  Paladin was against Savvy being baptized because she just didn’t have a clue as to what that meant, and he’d talked it over with Preacher and Mull (ok, with Mull you don’t talk…you say things and watch as she tunes you out).  They ignored him and did it anyhow.  In fact, Mull didn’t even tell him about it so that he could attend even though he’d made it clear that he wanted to be there.  That bugs me so much.  We’d have made sure that she’d gotten a beautiful white dress and I’d already been thinking about buying her a nice cross.  Instead, it was like a trip to McDonalds.  Just ok.  Well, as I’d told Paladin all along, he needn’t have worried about it.  Savvy is bored out of her freakin’ mind having to sit through the actual sermon and is starting to hate going to church.  It’s unfortunate, but I knew that would happen.  These kids see church as fun time and aren’t getting the message.  I’m betting that happens a lot in the carnival churches.  Instead of Mull cleaning up the mess she’d created, she told Savvy to get Dad to sign her up to go back into the little kids class as a helper.  So there it fell into our laps.  Paladin and I had a talk with Savvy about how she’d made a promise to God and to the pastor and to the other church members that she could handle being a full member of the church and that means attending the sermons.  In short, we had no intention of letting her out of it.  We told her she could sign up, but only after Christmas.  A few minutes later, I came into the living room and Savvy was all, “I don’t want to go to church.”  Nice try missy.  You’re going.  Paladin took them up there, and he signed her up to be a helper after talking to Preacher and the lady over the little kids and telling them about our decision.  I wasn’t happy that he’d signed her up anyhow, but according to Preacher, Savvy would be about the last person they’d let do it because they save that priviledge for teenagers.  We’ll see.  I have to say that if Savvy ends up doing it in the near future, I think that calls for a face-to-face meeting between Preacher, Mull and Paladin.  If Preacher pulls some shady crap, we will find another church.  I suspect that Mull just tells Preacher whatever she wants to get things from the church though.  A face-to-face would give Paladin a chance to set Preacher straight on the situation. 

The second situation was also church centered.  Paladin came home and grabbed me.  He was in a slight panicky looking mood.  He was definitely hyper.  I finally got him to explain what had happened with Savvy (I don’t go to the sermons because there’s a chance Mull will be there and I’d rather not have her show her ass…she would too).  Then he told me that he was shocked that all of a sudden Bell converted.  I was like, “What?”  As in, repeat that.  At the point of the sermon where they ask people who’ve felt the spirit to come forward, Bell went up and knelt before the altar.  A second or two later, Bell came past and I stopped her and said, “I hear that you found the calling.”  I started to say, “I’m happy for you.”  But she stopped me with, “Oh I just felt like going up.  I still feel the same way about religion in general.”  In the past, she wanted to join the church of the flying spaghetti monster if that gives you a clue to her leanings.  That made me want to throw up a little and I was seriously disappointed.  I told her, “You know, if you’ve really felt the spirit, you’re allowed to feel that way.”  But, nope, she was just going up for the hell of it.  Again, with the sick feeling.  That’s just so….WRONG, insulting, and a few other words too.  I told Paladin who felt better that she wasn’t actually converting but at the same time he felt as sick as I did that she had done such a thing.  I’m guessing that Sanjaya2 caught on because they didn’t leave her room all afternoon and when I sent Savvy to get them for dinner, she came back saying that Bell was crying.  Sadly, it’s just what I’ve been fearing all along.  Her only example is Mull and she is following it.  Act how you think people want you to be in order to get what you want from them. 

Therapy was yesterday afternoon and it was good.  Dr. Mark talked with us about the weekend and my lack of trust when it comes to Paladin handling Mull or the kids.  Hmmm…giving in to Mull and signing Savvy up…neither one of those was going to win him more trust from me.  It’s not that I don’t understand his position and I know he feels caught in the middle (my gut wants to yell “then get on my damned side!”…it’s not like I don’t have his or the kids best interest at heart), but I know from experience that I can trust him to give in any time they beg or scream.  That’s just the way it is.  And, I feel minimized by that.  I feel less important to him because of that.  If we have a decision in place or an attitude in place to deal with these situations and he foregoes it, it feels like a slap in the face to me.  It’s something we’re going to be working on for a long time. 

Dr. Mark focused on Paladin for most of the session.  He wants him to stop feeling so out of control in his life and to find a way to deal with retirement.  I brought up the word “depression” but I think Dr. Mark was wondering that too.  I think Paladin has had a low-grade depression going on for months now.  I know it’s coloring his thinking.  He needs to feel useful and there just isn’t enough stuff to keep him busy around here.

The best part of the session?  Paladin looked over at me and said, “I don’t know if you want to bring up the other thing or not.”  I honestly didn’t know what he was talking about.  I thought maybe it was Bell’s church incident.  NOPE.  It was sex.  Poor Dr. Mark.  LOL  I so wish I could film him during these sessions.  His expressions are priceless.  He definitely does not have a poker face!  The minute Paladin brought it up there was this flash across his face and you could so tell that he would have loved to cover his ears and go “lalalalalala”.  Dr. Mark tried to handle it delicately at first, “Is there not enough frequency or too much or…”  I saved him the trouble and put it straight.  We had a conversation the night before about a lack of experimentation in the boudoir.  I seem to have a knack for finding men who aren’t willing to push the limits of what they’re used to.  It’s sex.  It’s supposed to be fun, guys!  I’ve even gone so far as to find a sex map online and point out a few things to Paladin.  But, I’m old fashioned.  I want him to be aggressive and take control of this.  As I put it to Dr. Mark, if I have to pick out my Christmas present, wrap it, and put his name on it, then it’s just not exciting.  Dr. Mark turned to him and said, “She’s saying she wants to hang from the chandeliers.  How about you look a few things up and take her up on it?”  AMEN.

Musicians

I know a lot of people who play instruments and who like to think of themselves as musicians.  To me, it’s like being an “artist”.  In my eyes, you’re only an artist if you live for creating or make a living from it.  The people I know who play instruments do just that: play.  It’s a matter of focus.  That’s why it always impresses me when I see someone doing something that they truly are passionate about despite the expectations of others.  I get kind of a sense of that when I listen to this:

Friday’s Five Words

5 words from Karen a day early!  I’ll try to ignore the evil blonde expectations. 

Evil-  It doesn’t exist.  Strong view, I know.  But, I truly don’t believe in it.  I think “evil” gets blamed for the horrors perpetrated by man/woman that we can’t wrap our heads around.  The truth is that evil is our invention.  It’s our name for the things we do that go beyond what is allowable in our society.  It’s incredibly subjective.  I know some people point to this murderer or sadist and say, “There.  There is evil.”  But their mother never saw it.

Oh, and this is not to be confused with “ebil” which is what Pascal is when he’s being a meany-butt.  He is ebil, ebil, ebil!
Sand Castle- I guess when I think of sand castles I see blue sky and sand for miles, but since I’ve never even been to the Gulf much less the ocean, the thing I really think of is: 

Is that a face or is that a face?    I have no idea where I got that pic.  I wish I could give someone credit for it.
Expectation- A dirty word.  Purely evil.  Ooops, I don’t believe in evil.  Oh well.  Expectations lurk around every corner for me.  They come in the form of baby hopes.  They come in the form of marriage hopes.  They tend to disappoint, in short.  Not marriage, but the expectations I place on those around me.  Over the years, I’ve learned not to expect much from most people.  I still expect a lot from one person in my life.  Maybe it’s because the life we’re trying to build is the one each of us longed for all through the years before we met and that we tried to build with other people.  Mostly, I think it’s because he’s worthy of me allowing myself to have expectations of him.  I know he’ll try to come through for me.  I know the only time he’ll disappoint me is when he’s trying to make the world right for others instead of us.  That hurts a little, but it’s better than the alternative of him not trying at all.
Blonde- This word makes me want to tell a bad joke.  But, it also makes me think of Blondie’s hair: almost platinum and always falling in her eyes.  It makes me smile. 
Peer- Makes me think of college and study groups.  I hated that crap.  Try to find an actual peer anywhere.  Go on.  I dare you.  The true peers I’ve found in my life have been quite accidental, quite fortuitous.  They remind me that there are people left in the world with brains and humor.

 

This makes me think of five words I’d most like to hear everyone’s thoughts on.  I guess they’d be:  honor, security, family, meaning, and blood.  I’d love to hear every persons thoughts on those things.  I think we’d all be surprised.